Coming off the heels of a recent NYT article which brought yet another violation of privacy to light, our favorite newspaper has, according to an unnamed Republican source, "...once again helped the terrorists by allowing damaging information come to public view."
In a recent article, the New York Times announced that they had secured interviews with several Republican sources close to the Bush administration, one of whom is allegedly a top advisor, and all of those interviewed revealed a closely guarded secret of Busco:
Speaking under the condition of anonymity, several advisors and other people close to the President have rock-solid proof that George W. Bush is a fucking idiot.
The article continues:
This revelation has dire implications not only to the 2006 elections, but also to the war on terror, claims political analyst Biff Whipster.
"To have [George] Bush's intelligence not only denied, but emphatically denied by several people working in the administration itself presents a difficult problem," said Whipster. "Do Republicans hoping to be re-elected or elected for the first time stand firmly behind their leader? Or do they agree that Bush is dumber than a bucket of rocks and seek to distance themselves?"
Whipster then shook his head and snorted. "I mean, the man is a God damned jackass."
This startling news seems to have already affected the upcoming elections, with Democratic candidates taking every opportunity to bring up the article while Republican candidates look at their feet, scuffing the floor and mumbling in a shameful manner.
Vice President Dick Cheney was outraged at the leak, and predicted "dire things indeed for the NYT and other unpatriotic publications.
"The NYT continues to undermine our efforts in the War on Terror. By leaking things such as illegal and privacy-invading programs and our Presidents idiocy, they embolden our enemies and ensure future attacks on US soil," said VP Cheney as he unloaded another round of birdshot into his friend's face. "There really should be limits to how much information the media can report on."
Other Republicans have also condemned the leak, most notably Tom Delay:
"The most important question here isn't 'Why is George Bush so mind-bogglingly stupid'," Delay remarked. "The most important question here is, 'How can we use this information to disenfranchise those peoples with skin a different shade than mine?"
Delay then locked his limo door as he drove passed two Latino children playing catch.
Rick Santorum speculated about the sources of these reports on Bush's bran-deadedness:
"I bet they were all queers, weren't they? Queers are destroying America. Ewww, gays!"
Allegedly, an advisor confirmed Bush's levels of idiocy with the following words:
"I mean, fuck! How dumb can one person--It's just that-- HOLY SHIT, the man is SO STUPID! ARGH!"
Shocking.
Not all Democrats have jumped onto the "Bush is a fuck-head" bandwagon, though. Joe Lieberman, running for re-election against progressive hot-shot Ned Lamont, had the following to say:
"These reports confirm nothing. It is mere speculation. However, if true, the NYT has indeed aided our terrorist enemies by revealing such damaging information."
Sen. Lieberman then snatched an 8x10 photo of Bush off his desk and began rubbing it against his chest.
With Bush's poll numbers holding steady in the low 30's, the majority of Americans are citing this as the main reason for their failing support:
"I mean, I supported the War on Terror, but this is just too much," said Spud Crowley, construction worker. "How can I continue to support the goals and policies of Bush when he's such a dimwitted meathead?"
NYT editors have all supported the article and stand by their decision to leak this news:
"We at the New York Times reaffirm our goal to reporting the truth. While it could be argued that this story does embolden terrorists, it's not really like it was a secret.
"For fuck's sake, listen to the jackass try and give a SPEECH. It's obviously he's not operating on all his cylinders."
George Bush, upon hearing the news, merely shook his head and chuckled.
"History will judge my actions and my dedication to keeping my fellow Americans safe."
Bush then spent approximately 16 minutes trying to open a door before realizing it was a "pull," not a "push."
THE ABOVE IS MEANT SOLELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES AND IN NO WAY EXPRESSES THE OPINIONS OF THE NYT. THE ARTICLE CITED IS FAKE. THE NAMES ARE ALL FAKE. THE AUTHOR...WELL, I THINK BUSH IS FUCKING STUPID. THAT MUCH IS TRUE.