Yeah, it may sound callous, and maybe it makes me a big, giant sphincter, but here's my `I am' diary: more than anything, I'm just bored. It's hot as balls here in Providence, it's a freakin' Tuesday, the case I'm briefing sucks like the star attraction in a Tuscaloosa whorehouse, Hollywood is so bankrupt for ideas that it thought "Little Man" would make money, society is so bankrupt for entertainment that "Little Man" actually did make money, and frankly, I think I'm wearing yesterday's socks. It's hard to tell, being that it's 95 degrees and therefore all of my clothing is sticking to me like the gooey remains of a fly on a flyswatter. However, I do seem to recall my having blue socks on yesterday, and I'm over here with blue friggin' socks today. It's suspicious, is all. Normally this is where I'd say "but I digress," but in order to digress, one must first have a point, and the discriminating reader will see I haven't gotten there yet. But here I go:
-I'm bored with it all. I'm sick of reading "I am" diaries, for at least two reasons: first, because it implies that one group's particular situation/subtext/whatever permits it to act irrationally, and second, because no American Jew, Muslim, Christian, etc. can tell me what it's really like to be an Israeli Jew, Palestinian Muslim, Lebanese Christian, etc., and even if they could, I wouldn't get it. I'm not stupid, mind you. Alright, I'm a little on the stupid side. If stupid was ugly, I'd be at about Betty White level. Better than Bea Arthur, not as good as them freaky Rue McClanahan folks. Point being, I'm not gonna get it, and you can't make me, though we'll both try. And knock it off with the parodies. I am the walrus was funny, and Pastordan could write goth midget porn and I'd enjoy it. But as for you, knock it off. It's played.
-And I'm bored with the Arab/Israeli conversation. There's no answer to the questions. Israel has to respond, or it emboldens its enemies (who are also our enemies) by appearing weak. But if there's a response out there that will actually stabilize the situation, they haven't hit on it yet, and over the course of the last 50 years, they've tried just about everything. So, to hell with it. The bombing will stop at some point in the next few weeks, and then at some point in the next few years, it will start up again.
-I'm bored with bad media coverage. Bush saying the s-word was the lead story on cnn.com for 6 hours yesterday. I mean, six hours. 3 U.S. soldiers were killed in Iraq on Monday, but that didn't even make the cnn top headlines. But an American president saying the s-word, that deserves six hours of attention. Good thing he didn't really foul up and drop an "oh, shit raping penguin fucker, I dropped my buttered roll" on us, or it'd be the Dreyfuss Affair meets O.J.
In a totally unrelated story, the AP managed to repeat itself in the course of four sentences, for no apparent reason:
"Humpback whales are listed as endangered species in the United States. About 12,000 humpbacks are estimated to live in the North Atlantic, with 900 feeding seasonally off the Northeast coast of the U.S., according to the center.
Entanglements are a leading cause of whale deaths. Boat strikes are also a threat to humpback whales, which are an endangered species."
I'm taking a wild stab, but are humpbacks maybe endangered? I'm thinking they're endangered. I know it doesn't much matter. It's a human interest story, after all. But I gotta say, writing about whales seems way more fun than briefing a sucky case, so if you can't do your job right, maybe I can have it? I mean, write for a living? It's only been, oh, my dream since I was 12. But whatever.
-I'm bored with baseball. The Sox lose 4 out of 5, they're bums. Then they win 3 out of 4, they're going to the Series. Wake me in September. Oh, and with Wakefield now out, it's official: the Boston Red Sox starting lineup have more casualties than the Confederates did at Fort Sumter. They've had to reach so far down on the farm, Sunday's starter is a zygote. Just a wee little sperm sitting up there. Fine, I don't care.
-I'm bored with the Big Dig news. Everyone who's surprised it's a massive cluster fuck, raise your hand.
-I'm bored with Britney Spears. She just won an apology from the National Equirer, which said its story about her marriage being on the rocks was untrue. Let's face it, this is just a ripeness issue. If this marriage is going to last until death, one of them better develop advanced cancer right quick.
-I'm bored with my own list. Give me some of yours. What's got you filled with angst, ennui, etc. on this random Tuesday? Have a go.