Dear President Bush:
I am not sure you know how to read, but perhaps one of your staff can summarize my thoughts onto a 3x5 notecard and read them to you. Or should I make them rhyme a la Dr. Seuss and illustate them with cartoon images?
I am packing my suitcase right now, to go to Detroit. It's a 39 minute flight and I have to go for 2 days a week for the next 4 weeks. That's 8 flights in 4 weeks, under Elmo-level terror threat.
Its hard to believe that the innocent-looking toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, and contact solution I just packed are a threat to my safety, the safety of the plane, and our very way of life in America, land of the free and home of the brave.
I want you to know how angry I am that I must check my luggage due to my goddamn TOOTHPASTE. For fuck's sake, as Richard Clarke said, it took us 4 years to defeat Hitler and yet in 5 years you couldn't round up and take care of Bin Ladin? I could go into WHY you didn't catch him - there are many reasons I am sure... we went to Iraq, Condi Rice was shoe shopping, you're incompetant - but to be honest, I don't care.
The point is, I am checking a suitcase because of my dangerous toothpaste. I must repeat this inconvenience 8 times, for a total of less than 7 hours in the air. Terrorists haven't even fucking heard of Wisconsin and I can assure you they would take little interest in the teensy puddle jumper I am going on that will barely be in the air long enough to hijack anyway. This particular plot consisted of British citizens. In Great Britain. I know damn well that I am actually checking my toothpaste to scare me into voting Republican this November.
But why else am I angry? Because your "war or terror" ain't effective. This isn't me, the weak cut-and-run liberal, beseeching you to coddle terrorists. There is no weakness in what I propose you should have done from the day you took office and onward.
First of all - before I advocate anything that doesn't involve violence - Clinton tried to assassinate Bin Ladin and you should have been on that from Day 1. You weren't. Clinton did intelligence and stopped several plots, all the while keeping things quiet enough that the American people were not alarmed. You should have done that too.
But second of all - you need to stop creating more terrorists. My toothpaste is dangerous because you use words like "crusade" and say things like "bring it on." Here are some important points you need to understand:
All people are equal, even the brown ones. They like to have jobs and earn money to buy things like food and shelter and clothing. When they don't, it's very frustrating and they start looking for solutions. Sometimes they come up with some bad ideas (al Qaeda), unless you help them find better ideas (college, starting small businesses, growing local economies).
You might not understand this because you've never wondered where your next meal would come from, or how you might provide for Jenna and Barbara. I don't quite understand because I don't have children and I've never been hungry either, but I had six months of my life where I was quite poor, and let me tell you, my judgment wasn't always great during those six months. Poverty and desperation takes an emotional toll on people. If you want them to make positive choices to raise themselves out of their situation without bombing your airplanes, you should help them do so.
Going back to the idea that all people are equal, if you look for a way to actually help people in the developing world, they are intelligent enough that they will recognize your help and they can start small businesses to enrich their communities and support their families. They will probably be so busy doing that that they won't have time to bother trying to dodge your airport security laws.
Now, if you want to help the people of the Middle East, you need to stop exploiting them for oil. I recommend energy independence. America can raise CAFE standards, increase efficiency in air conditioners, lawn mowers, and other appliances, increase use of wind, solar, and biomass energy, and with relatively little effort, you will no longer need Middle Eastern oil.
You could have put all of this into motion five years ago when you realized the urgency. I believe I wrote you then and requested you do so. You are the most powerful man in the world (although undoubtedly not the most bright) and I am sure you could have achieved anything you put your mind to by now. But you didn't. So I can't take my fucking toothpaste on the airplane.
For whatever fat lot of good it does (and not much good apparently), I want you to know that I am extremely, extremely angry.
Sincerely,
OrangeClouds115
P.S. To my fellow Kossack air travelers: The idea I've heard is that everyone pools together their toiletries into 1 suitcase and you just check that. The rest goes on carry-on like normal. I'm not sure the experiences everyone else has had but I've had my luggage lost far too many times to want to check it ever again. My plan in life is to NEVER, EVER have to wander around Athens going underwear shopping while jetlagged EVER EVER again.