What's up, Doc?
[A]s Iraq descends into civil war and becomes a new training ground for international terrorists, cargo coming into our country still isn't being inspected. While the Party of Bush scrambles to write its latest talking points calling anyone who opposes them "al Qaeda types", nuclear materials sit unguarded in the former Soviet Union.
While the administration organizes lawyers to try to salvage its illegal domestic spying program, Osama bin Laden continues to remain free roaming around northwest Pakistan making videotapes five years after the tragic events of September 11th. [...]
People have had enough. This administration cannot be trusted with our security. Democrats are going to reclaim American leadership with a tough, smart plan to transform failed policies in Iraq, the Middle East and around the world.
We will double the size of Special Forces to destroy Osama Bin Laden and terrorist networks like al Qaeda. We will implement the bipartisan 9/11 Commission proposal to secure America's borders and ports and screen every container. And we will fully man, train, and equip our National Guard and our police, firefighters and other first responders.
When it comes to national security, the Republicans have not led. We will.
---Gov. Howard Dean, M.D. [via email]
P.S. We are spending $8 billion a month in Iraq. That's $2 billion each week, $267 million each day, or $11 million each hour. For what we spend in three weeks, we could make needed improvements in order to properly secure our public transportation systems. For what we spend in five days, we could put radiation detectors in all of our ports. And for two days in Iraq, we could screen all air cargo.
Crazy loon---if he keeps this up he'll get us all...um, back on track??
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Note: Whoever left their cello in the C&J bathroom stall can pick it up at the Lost & Found desk between 9 and 2. Please bring proof of ID. And a towel.
By the Numbers:
Days `til Halloween: 68
Days `til the Apple Pumpkin Festival in Livermore Falls: 37
Rise in average Maine single-family home price 2001-2002: +15.14%
Rise in average Maine single-family home price in the first 6 months of 2006: +2.91%
(Source: Maine Real Estate Information System via Maine Sunday Telegram)
Percentage of Americans polled who could name two U.S. Supreme Court Justices: 24%
Percentage who could name two of Snow White's seven dwarfs: 77%
Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "Oh, how typical. Blame the fart on the turtle. Ha frickin' ha..."
CHEERS to the union of a man and a...union. This is so great---not only did the UAW endorse Ned Lamont (D-CT), but Bob Madore gave Joe Lieberman (CFL-CT) a good tongue-lashing (story and video here):
"Our problem with Joe Lieberman is as follows: we think he is a very selfish individual. We think he is only out for himself. ... In 1989, the UAW was the only organization in the labor movement that endorsed Joe Lieberman. And if people recall that far back, when Joe Lieberman won, he turned to [former Senator Lowell] Weicker and said, `you should walk away and let us run this campaign.' Well I don't forget. Joe Lieberman, you should walk away and...protect the party of democracy!"
Wait, it gets better...
"You can ask for all the funds [from] the Bloombergs in New York that want to fund your campaign [and] the Republican party that is gloating over the fact that you're running as an independent. [But] instilling in everyone in the Republican party to get out there and vote is a bunch of B.S.!"
Don't ya hate it when they hold back?
CHEERS to the new Kossack on the block: Democrat whippersnapper Jean Hay Bright has accepted a very tough assignment up here in Maine: unseating not-so-moderate Republican Senator Olympia Snowe. A couple nights ago she posted a diary about Judge Taylor's NSA ruling, and we hope to hear more from her soon. Tick Tick Tick... Where is she??!
JEERS to involuntary servitude. Oh, you kids are gonna love this. ABC News is reporting that the military may soon have to bring back the draft so we can continue turning corners in Iraq. For all the young Republican "hawks" out there who watch our troops get blown up from the comfort of their dens, that can only mean one thing: there's gonna be a major run on Patriot Pampies. Oops, too late...shelves are already bare.
JEERS to Hair on Fire: The Prequel. On this date in 1814, British forces attacked and torched Washington, D.C. during the War of 1812. The 8/24 Commission Report concluded that President Madison should have heeded the PDB titled: "King George III Determined to Strike Inside U.S."
CHEERS to eternal vigilance. Last week at O'Hare International Airport, a suspicious passenger was detained for questioning. A search of his luggage revealed a device that could quickly turn any ordinary penis into a deadly bludgeon. We hear the TSA officials who thwarted the plot were pumped up for days.
NICE TRY to stealing our bedtime stories. Hotel chains are now being targeted by 13 ultra-conservative Christian groups. In their righteous crosshairs: in-room pay-per-view porn flicks. Here's why they don't have a, um, prayer of succeeding:
By some estimates, adult movies are available in roughly 40 percent of the nation's hotels, representing more than 1.5 million rooms. Industry analysts suggest that these adult offerings generate 60 percent to 80 percent of total in-room entertainment revenue---several hundred million dollars a year.
The Greenback vs. the Good Book? No contest. Ch'Ching!
P.S. A quick reminder: fifty percent of fundamentalist Christian men---and 20 percent of their women---are addicted to porn. "God Bless You and please enjoy your stay (IF ya know what I mean...)"
CHEERS to holding our fire. I can't say I disagree with former Treasury Secretary Robert Reich when he says that a new Democratic-led House shouldn't become mired in a bunch of nasty investigations:
[Y]ou and your colleagues have spent the last six years whining and complaining. That was understandable. There was ample reason, and you didn't have the power to do otherwise. But do that when you do have some power, and you'll confirm the Republican message that Democrats are pessimistic Eeyores, obsessed with what's wrong with America and clueless about what to do or how to fix it.
Here's a better way to go. Use the two years instead to lay the groundwork for a new Democratic agenda. Bring in expert witnesses. Put new ideas on the table. Frame the central issues boldly. Don't get caught up in arid policy-wonkdom.
Our one exception: a commission to investigate war profiteering. Make the bastards pay.
JEERS to your Great Visual Analogy of the day. If a political campaign is like a car, this is what happens when that car calls a dark-skinned native Virginian "Macaca." (Ouch---too bad the driver didn't have an asshole airbag.)
[GONG! GONG!! DrubbaDrubbaDrubba... GONG!!!]
This is a FOX News REALLY LOUD UPDATE!
In a shocking move that no one could have anticipated, relatives of John Karr are now selling the movie and book rights to his story. The family says it has received two offers so far, one from the makers of the Airplane and Naked Gun movies, and the other from Ann Coulter, who plans to write a book accusing liberals of turning Karr into a victim to which conservatives "cannot respond."
Remember, if it feels slimy...it's FOX News. Our next REALLY LOUD UPDATE in 30 seconds...now back to Cheers and Jeers...
[GONG! GONG!! DrubbaDrubbaDrubba... GONG!!!]
CHEERS to the Spud Stud. On August 24, 1853, chef George Crum made the first potato chips (originally called "Saratoga Chips") after a fussy customer complained his potatoes weren't sliced thin enough. And there's no Crum Monument on the Mall in Washington D.C. because...?
JEERS to John McCain. The latest: he totally lied by suggesting that Ned Lamont wants to pull all of our troops out of Iraq immediately. Funny thing about mavericks...they spend most of their time dropping horseshit all over the place.
One Year Ago in C&J: August 24, 2005...
CHEERS to happy war stories. Even though Marine Sgt. Peter Boucher is stationed in Iraq, he got to witness the birth of his baby girl live via webcast. Mom and kid are reportedly doing just fine. But you know things are tough in the Green Zone when the troops' most requested rerun on Armed Forces Television stars a placenta.
JEERS to getting it wrong...again. So, to recap: Axis-of-Evil member Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction even though we swore they did. Now it turns out that Axis-of-Evil member Iran doesn't have bomb-grade uranium, either, even though we swore they did. Coming soon: satellite photos reveal Axis-of-Evil member North Korea is really just a large petting zoo.
And just one more...
Top Ten Signs Osama Bin Laden Is In Love With You:
10. He carved your initials in an infidel
9. Always gets the camel washed and waxed before he picks you up
8. Never forgets to release an Al-Jazeera video on your birthday
7. You say you enjoy Barry Manilow---next day he sends you Barry Manilow's ear
6. Orders 1 goat milk, 2 straws
5. Says only thing hotter than your body is his scorching hatred for the Zionists
4. Get a romantic greeting card that reads, "You jihad me at 'Hello'"
3. He lets you call him "Ossie"
2. New intelligence reports put his whereabouts at Zales
1. He says every time he thinks of you, there's an uprising in his pants
Floor's open... What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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