History is written by the winners, and its not looking good for Bush & Co. In 30 years, when he has clinched the title of "Worst President Ever" in popular memory, what might a "dramatization" of the Bush years look like? Here are some scenes that have been criticized for being "fictional composites"
OPENING SCENE: (Elderly African-American woman approaches a polling station in Florida on a rainy evening. A pasty young policeman with a confederate flag lapel pin and a bible steps in front of her.)
WOMAN: You can't stop me from voting you goddamn thug. This is a democracy, after all!
POLICEMAN: (sinister grin) The only right you have is to shut up and do what you're told.
FADE TO BLACK
OVAL OFFICE: Dick Cheney is conferencing with two men in a corner while George Bush gleefully chases Barney.
BUSH: (seizes document) ur..gent..memo...ben...layden...
de..determined..
CHENEY: George, put that down! We're very busy planning the war right now and we need a little quiet. Why don't you play in the yard?
BUSH: Look what I can do! (lights memo on fire)
CHENEY: What the? Put it down you little punk!
BUSH: (uses flame to light fart) Hahahahaha! Aw yeah thats how we do it in Texas.
ORDINARY CLASSROOM
BUSH: So everytime I say the word "goat" you take a drink. Careful kids, thats good whiskey. Might want to wait a second before you eat a pretzel though.
(man in dark suit whispers to president)
BUSH: Already? Dang, I thought that wasnt till September.
(sits deep in thought trying to recall the exact date while silently moving lips. several minutes pass)
OVAL OFFICE
CHENEY: (on phone) I know the newspapers say that the war is going badly, but you just leave that to me. I can handle the New York Times shitheads. Your job is to make sure that bombs keep going off....Well sure they oppose the war but do you think for one god damn fucking minute they would let us set up the surveillance system if we were at peace?... haha yeah well there is that too. Money makes the world go round my boy, it sure does. Hey listen, I have another call. Hello? (angry) Why are you calling me here? I told you, you'll get your fucking money towlhead, now go fuck yourself! (pages secretary) Cheryl get Congress to pass another billion or so for the war. Oh, and find out what the hell Karl is doing down there.
WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT: (Nancy Pelosi is bound and gagged with numerous torture devices attached to her)
ROVE: Now, one last time Madam Congresswoman, where is your rebel base?
PELOSI: I don't know what you're talking about.
ROVE: You may as well save yourself some pain little miss gentlewoman from San Francisco, we already know everything. You think we were tracking phone calls for the hell of it?
PELOSI: I can take what you can give.
ROVE: Very well then, you leave me no choice. (pressing button) Mike, prepare for launch
PELOSI: Wha..what are you doing?
(screen lowers with dopplar readout of the Gulf of Mexico)
ROVE: You've been a very selfish woman Nancy. You seem to care more about your own friends than a hurricane that will kill thousands of innocent people.
PELOSI: You're full of shit!
ROVE: Oh yes. Our oil industry scientists have been working on it for years. We tried to debunk global warming but instead we found something much more... powerful. And, since you won't talk, I'll just have to guess where all your liberal academics are hiding. Then guess again. Then again. Until all of the blue states are gone. Why don't we start with... New Orleans?
PELOSI: Not New Orleans! They are below sea level! They have no way of defending themselves!
ROVE: Well do you have any better ideas?
PELOSI: Its Vermont! They are in Vermont!
ROVE: Wonderful, we will take care of that later.
PELOSI: You aren't going to cancel the hurricane?
ROVE: Vermont is too small and far to the north. We need something a little more... dramatic. Besides, without New Orleans Louisiana will be Republican.
PELOSI: You bastard! You'll never get away with this!
ROVE: Who's going to stop us... Congress?
OVAL OFFICE:
SANTORUM: Christ you are calm, Dick.
CHENEY: Well, why shouldn't I be?
SANTORUM: Well, maybe YOU won't be voted out of office but if we go down next week you know you won't be long behind.
CHENEY: No, I wasn't aware
SANTORUM: Oh come on! You mean you arent worried about an investigation? Impeachment? Hell, they might execute us for some of the shit we've done.
CHENEY: Well then, I guess you'll just have to win.
SANTORUM: Yeah, maybe I'll try that. good plan. Unless you have a way of switching Pennsylvania to Diebold machines in a week I'm fucked and you know it.
CHENEY: I guess we should cancel the election then.
SANTORUM: You?... (laughs nervously)
CHENEY: How could we possibly vote in the middle of a crisis that makes 9/11 look like a national holiday?
SANTORUM: What? What crisis?
(Cheney smirks then bursts into a cackle)
SANTORUM: Why? What are you planning?
(Camera zooms out on Cheney laughing diabolically while George Bush is curled up on a couch with a bottle of Southern Comfort humming "Onward Christian Soldiers")
FINIS