The White House released today the President's full schedule for the 5th anniversary of the September 11th attacks, including a public reading of "My Pet Goat," saying "The President wanted to commemorate the day by doing what he did five years ago."
White House spokesman Tony Snow told members of the press, "The President will begin his day by reading 'My Pet Goat,' followed by ten minutes of silence in which he will just sit and look uncomfortable. He will then be rushed to Air Force One where he will fly around all day escorted by fighter jets, trying to figure out how to blame the terrorist attacks on Saddam."
Snow also released that several weeks ago Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice delivered a commemorative copy of the daily briefing "Bin Laden determined to attack inside US." This document remained unread by the President, for "historical accuracy's sake," and also due to the president being distracted by a copy of "Curious George and the Dirty Bomb," which First Lady Laura Bush claimed he "devoured right before bedtime, right after having his juice cup."
When asked if "My Pet Goat" would count toward the President's reading total by a fawning, incompetent press corps, Snow replied, "Of course. How do you think he's read 60 books this year? He's already counted The Cat in the Hat twice and Goodnight Moon three times. The 'Shakespeares' he read were actually comic books we use to help illiterate youth. He also counted reading Moby Dick by saying he listened to the book on tape; he actually just listened to the song Moby Dick by Led Zeppelin. However, he is really interested in Camus, but we can't dissuade the President that listening to Killing an Arab by the Cure over and over again is not the same as reading The Stranger."
Editor's note: For full disclosure, Press Secretary Snow repeatedly used air quotes whenever referring to the words read, interested, and president.