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Breaking new from AP:

Rapidly thinning N. Polar Ice Endangering Christmas Town.

THE North Pole is continuing its melting for the first time in 55 million years. Researchers have found that the icecap at the top of the world has turned into a mile-wide patch of open ocean.

The melting of the pole last happened on such a scale when the Earth was going through a period of rapid warming. This year's meltdown has been linked with the greenhouse effect, where gases released by burning fossil fuels are trapping ever more heat in the atmosphere and so warming the Earth.

The melting was discovered by James McCarthy, an oceanographer and member of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), which is sponsored by the United Nations to advise governments on global warming. It coincides with official confirmation that the icecap covering Greenland is also disappearing.

Earlier research conducted by McCarthy has shown that the average summer thickness of ice at the North Pole was about 9ft. This year, however, he was able to take a ship directly to the pole and then had to float over it - because there was no ice to stand on. "It was totally unexpected," he said.

What was more unexpected was the partial destruction of Christmas Town and the drowned bodies of elves that were stacking up on ice surrounding the Pole, drowned and eaten.  Starving Polar Bears were seen advancing on groups of elves that were attempting to fend them off with giant candy canes and bits of wooden ship models.

"We had thought Santa's magic would have saved more of the elf village than it has, but apparently Santa was bending all his will towards directing teams of elves and reindeer that were fitting giant pontoons to Santa's Castle and workshops", said McCarthy.

Two Russian submaries were seen moored close by the castle, though no Russian sailors were seen.  "We don't know what the Russians are doing", said Presidential spokesman Tony Snow.  "They seem to be just sitting there."

Speculation is rife that the Russian submarines and a small group of ships nearby, including the nuclear ice-breaker NS Sevmorput and Battlecruiser Kirov may be standing by to evacuate Christmas Town in the event that it cannot be stabilized.

There has been no request for American help from Santa or any of his representatives, say Bush Administration officials.  That may be due to a falling out between Santa and Homeland Security officials after a Navy FA-18 "Hornet" tried to force Santa down over New York two Decembers ago in a case of mistaken identity.  At that time it was widely reported, though never officially confirmed, that State Department officials had received a tip that the AntiChrist would be flying into New York on Christmas in a light aircraft.

Meanwhile the Governor of Texas and the White House are fast tracking the construction of sixteen new coal fired power plants.

http://www.grist.org/...  

News of the new power plants was protested by representatives of the elves union in May in a violent display that left two toy stores in Texas in ruins, but Gov. Rick Perry is pressing ahead.  "We've got nothing against elves, but the Texas economy comes first", he said.  Some of the elves are rumored to have been transferred to Pakistan for interrogation by the CIA due to terrorist trout deaths by toy, a Paddington Bear, actually.

LINK

"MILFORD, N.H. - A teddy bear has been implicated in 2,500 deaths. Of trout, that is. State officials say a teddy bear dropped into a pool at a Fish and Game Department hatchery earlier this month clogged a drain. The clog blocked the flow of oxygen to the pool and suffocated the fish."

The Paddington Bear was wearing yellow, the color of radical elf activist everywhere. Signs have been posted, "RELEASE OF ANY TEDDY BEARS into the fish hatchery water IS NOT PERMITTED."

Representatives and family of elves have been contacted, but have not returned phone calls.

Originally posted to angrytoyrobot on Tue Sep 26, 2006 at 01:32 PM PDT.

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