22 WAYS TO BE A GOOD DEMOCRAT IN 2006

I received the following guidance for Democrats in an email recently. I thought the Republicans could use some guidance in return and wrote some credos for them.

More on the flip...

22 WAYS TO BE A GOOD DEMOCRAT IN 2006

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison & A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that a bigger government is a better government.

22. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22 WAYS TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN IN 2006

1. You have to be for killing convicts, but against a woman's right to terminate her pregnancy at any time.

2. You have to believe that government should keep their hands off business so they can enjoy prosperity.

3. You have to believe that putting guns in the hands of all Americans will make Americans more secure and that we should nuke China and North Korea before they nuke us.

4. You have to believe that the Federal government should make starving artists get a job.

5. You have to believe that global warming is no threat to us as long as we can produce our own air conditioning even though nature can't.

6. You have to believe that the Federal government should stand for liberty and equality for all, unless you're a homo.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is God's justice in action.

8. You have to believe that teachers who can't teach 4th-graders belong in public schools where children learn about sex from each other.

9. You have to believe that hunters care a lot about nature, otherwise there would be nothing to shoot, and environmentalists are a pain in the ass.

10. You have to believe that compassion and encouragement are for pussies.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ and we should all be required to see it.

12. You have to believe the NRA is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is bad because it supports the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too high, and ATM fees are just right.

14. You have to believe that women who fought for women's rights don't even belong in an American history book.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are a fair measure of a colored person's ability to compete in a white man's world.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton represents everything you're against.

17. You have to believe that socialism is bad because it forces you to help people who won't help themselves.

18. You have to believe conservatives always tell the truth, and lying about a sex offense is worse than lying about reasons for launching a pre-emptive war.

19. You have to believe that homosexuals and transvestites should stay indoors, while manger scenes on government property at Christmas should not bother anyone, no matter what your religion.

20. You have to believe that illegal Republican Party funding by corporate "donations" is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that a smaller government is a better government and that a smaller government means spending a $3 trillion surplus and then creating a $4 trillion deficit.

22. You have to believe that this message came from the pervasive, liberal media.

•  To be a good Republican...

  ...you got to believe:

  1. A women's right to chose is a sin. A corporation forcing her to have an abortion is just what Jesus would do.

  2. Government's are careless with your money, but Halliburton misplacing $8.8 billion in Iraq is good business.

  3. Running the government on $ borrowed from Red China is a great way to make us more secure.

  4. $2 trillion eventual war costs can be balanced by cutting NPR funding.

  5. The environment is a plot. And even if global warming happens, we can just get in our private jets and move to Mars.

  6. If the government doesn't define marriage, your wife is going to run off with your secretary.

  And on and on.

  by daulton on Sat Jan 14, 2006 at 07:48:08 PM PDT

•  Republicans

  • Believe that teenagers' hormones evaporate if they have had abstinence-only education.
    
  • Think government should stay out of your personal business, unless you are a fertile female.
    
  • Think evolution is bunk, but panic at the thought of a virus evolving.  
    
  • Think we shouldn't teach scientists how to look at evolving viruses, but they want science to save them (via pharmaceutial companies).
    
  • Think pharmaceutical companies have senior citizen's best interests at heart.
    

  Oh, there are so many.....

  by mem from somerville on Sat Jan 14, 2006 at 07:54:08 PM PDT

•  Convicts?

  You have to be for killing convicts, but against a woman's right to terminate her pregnancy at any time.

  Not only convicts: try innocent children and their civilian parents in Iraq.  That is the level of the rethugs sickness.    

  by tri on Sat Jan 14, 2006 at 08:13:28 PM PDT

•  what a crock of crap

  there are a few of us that like capitalism. you need to pick up your volvo-liberal button!!

  by concernedinnm on Sat Jan 14, 2006 at 08:42:55 PM PDT

•  basically

  Basically if you want to be a good republican in 2006, you must remain the scared little pussy you were in 2005, and be willing to give away all your freedoms in order for big nanny government to protect from the big bad terrorist boogeyman.

  by threecents on Sat Jan 14, 2006 at 09:30:03 PM PDT

•  In Defense of Hunters

  You have to believe that hunters care a lot about nature, otherwise there would be nothing to shoot...

  I'm not sure what you mean by this... The hunters I've known are sincerely in favor of protecting the environment. The do in fact care a lot about nature. Their motives might be selfish -- yeah, they like to shoot things (though some hunters will argue that they are helping the animals via population control) -- but the hunters I've known tend to be outdoorsy even when they aren't hunting. Campers, hikers, and cross-country skiers are almost always protective of the environment, in my experience.

  The thing is, environmentalism is such a nebulous thing. Given three environmentalists and a few square miles of undeveloped land, you'll easily get three different opinions: (1) leave the land forever wild, (2) cut down trees and build a wind farm, and (3) build trails for ATVs and hunters. I'm not sure who is "right", honestly.

  by georgenh on Sat Jan 14, 2006 at 09:40:02 PM PDT

  •  Which brings up...

    ..."Sportmen for Bush." I never understood that. Here in Ohio, you are advised to eat no more than one fish a week, no matter where you caught it. And children under 4, and pregnant women, no fish at all. "Sportsmen" for bush are going to end up with nothing to hunt but rats and roaches.

    by daulton on Sat Jan 14, 2006 at 11:14:40 PM PDT

•  To be a good Republican

  • You need to believe that government should get out of people's business, but should regulate sexuality within an inch of its life.
    
  • You need to accept that torture for profit on a movie screen is a threat to our culture, but torture for profit in real life is necessary for America's security.
    
  • You need to believe that a protester that disagrees with the war is a greater threat to our national security than a political operative who reveals the names of undercover CIA agents for political gain.
    
  • You need to believe that taxes are worse for the economy than going into unsustainable debt.
    
  • You need to believe that the President has complete authority to break the law, unless they lie about a blowjob.
    
  • You need to believe that environmental regulations aren't necessary, even to keep the deer you hunt from being killed off by cyanide in the water.
    
  • You need to believe that supporting our troops means not asking why the troops don't have adequate gear, or why their pay and benefits got cut.

  by maxomai on Sat Jan 14, 2006 at 09:56:36 PM PDT