Why else would the likes of Rove, Dick Cheney, President Numbnutz, Assistant to the President For National Security Affairs Stephen Hadley, Department of Homeland Security Secretary (at least for this week) Michael Chertoff, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and David Brooks convene a secret meeting to discuss ways to thwart this expression of liberal power?
Still don't believe me? Read on for the transcript of this secret meeting, delivered to me via courier pigeon (the only method of communication not infiltrated by one of NSA's warrantless domestic spying programs) from my long-time source in the White House...
[Seated around the table in the White House Situation Room are President BUSH, Vice President CHENEY, Karl ROVE, Assistant to the President For National Security Affairs Stephen HADLEY, DHS Secretary Michael CHERTOFF, Bill O'REILLY, Sean HANNITY, Rush LIMBAUGH, Ann COULTER and, seated on ROVE's lap, David BROOKS]
[ROVE whispers in the ear of BROOKS who is seated on ROVE's lap]
BROOKS: Karl says we're all here to discuss YearlyKos and the threat it poses to our power.
CHENEY: Go fuck yourself.
BROOKS: Me? Or Karl?
CHENEY: Both of you and all of you. And YearlyKos, too.
BROOKS: Then your grammar is incorrect. That should be, "Go fuck yourselves."
O'REILLY: Someone cut that Jew York Times pinhead off. Where's my dump button?
HADLEY: Back to the subject at hand. This YearlyKos is real and it is a threat. We've been monitoring the donation page and they're getting closer to their goal of raising $25,000. And they continue to actively solicit donations from liberals, regardless of whether these liberals will even be attending the event. They're still giving. These committed liberals are coming through, donating whatever they can afford to make YearlyKos a reality.
[ROVE whispers in the ear of BROOKS who remains seated on ROVE's lap]
BROOKS: Karl says the powerful, activist agenda of this conference could threaten our majorities in November.
COULTER: I say we poison `em. All of `em.
CHENEY: God, you're hot.
COULTER: Let's go hunting again.
O'REILLY: What's that? We're you with Cheney when he blasted Whittington?
COULTER: Screw it. Cat's outta' the bag, Dick. Yeah, I was with him. We were killing everything in sight. It was an orgy of shooting and blood, a slaughter. Anything that moved. And we were flying on crystal meth. Whittington sneezed and Dick whirled around and just reacted. Pumped a shot into Harry's head.
CHENEY: It was so hot...
LIMBAUGH: I've never been hunting with the Vice President! And I absolutely LOVE to do drugs!
HANNITY: You're an embarrassment to the cause and to yourself, fatass. Shut up.
HADLEY: Come on, stay on topic. We've also been monitoring the YearlyKos registration page and they already have over 200 people signed up to go to the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas June 8 through 11.
BUSH: I love Vegas. One time when I was 27, I went to Vegas with some guys and I was so coked up, I started stripping naked on the blackjack--
[ROVE excitedly whispers into BROOKS' ear]
BROOKS: Karls says for you to shut up. Now.
BUSH: But I was just--
[ROVE excitedly whispers into BROOKS' ear again]
BROOKS: Karl says, "Shut the hell up, Village Idiot."
CHERTOFF: May I make a suggestion?
CHENEY: Incompetent fuck.
CHERTOFF: How about we declare Las Vegas a disaster area on June 6 and close down the airport so the liberals can't can get into this YearlyKos thing?
COULTER: Nah. Just shoot `em. Dick, you up for a little liberal hunting?
CHENEY: You are so hot.
O'REILLY: I'm startin' to think so, too. Ever have a falafel run down your--
COULTER: That's 'loofah', Bill.
O'REILLY: Loofah, falafel, whatever... Ever have one run down your ass crack?
BROOKS: No, but it sounds--
O'REILLY: I wasn't talkin' to you, pal.
HADLEY: Look, YearlyKos could be very big. They're expecting 1,500 liberal grassroots activists at this thing. Like I said before, the agenda includes sessions on all kinds of netroots and grassroots organizing, critical issues which are certain to come up this year and again in 2008, meetings with key Democratic leaders like Harry Reid and Brad Miller from North Carolina... This could educate and train a whole slew of liberal activists just in time for the midterms.
HANNITY: And those liberals will be hedonistic. You can bet on that. Liberals in Vegas. It'll be like one, giant amoral, Bill Clinton-a-thon with sex, drinking, partying...
BUSH: Can I go?
[ROVE whispers into BROOKS' ear]
BROOKS: Karl wants me to ask you what you think the word "hedonistic" means, Mr. President.
BUSH: Uh... Um... I remember the movie "East of Heedin."
[Room erupts in laughter]
CHENEY: Dumbfuck. Look, Chertoff, you're in charge of quashing this thing. Don't fuck this one up like you've fucked everything else up. If this YearlyKos gets off the ground, all of us could be looking at jail terms. Impeachment looms for me and dumbfuck over there.
CHERTOFF: You can count on me, sir!
LIMBAUGH: I will go on the airwaves and use my genius to perform a lacerative slicing and dicing of this liberalpalooza as only I--
HANNITY: Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
COULTER: I'd like to strip Limbaugh naked and send him scurrying off into a deep wood and then hunt him down, shoot him, skin him, and roast him on a spit over an open fire, and then eat him.
CHENEY: I am so turned on by you.
O'REILLY: My falafel is throbbing.
[ROVE whispers into BROOKS' ear]
BROOKS: Karl says that we need an all out assault on YearlyKos. So everyone do their part. We must stop the Godless liberals from donating to this liberal strategy for success. We must stop them.
COULTER: Simple. Nuke the Riviera. With a tactical nuke.
CHENEY: I'm going to tear your clothes off right here.
BUSH: I stripped naked on the blackjack table at--
ALL: Shut up.