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[]  The plane carrying Condoleezza Rice was delayed landing in Baghdad due to hostile ground fire.   Seems a couple of our lads whose tour of duty was extended decided that real bullets for the secretary's usual 21-gun salute would be in order... [] Foley's lawyer told reporters that his client is a long-time alcoholic. "Grossly insulting to legitimate alcholics," said Hyman Bloomberg, spokesman for Mel Gibson...  [] Tennessee Titans defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth stomped on Dallas Cowboy center Andre Gurode's face, inflicting wounds requiring thirty sutures to close. And to make matters worse, he was clearly offsides...  [] Despite being winless since 1995, Patrick McEnroe has been signed to coach the US Davis Cup team for another two years.   Kind of like hiring Rumsfeld to teach Anti-Insurgency Warfare at West Point...  [] Rice claims she "doesn't remember" a pre-9/11 al Qaida warning from the CIA.  And, as a demonstration of her good faith, she's checked herself into lapse of memory rehab... Hey, if you're enjoying this, there's much more on on t'other side!

[] The late Sonny Bono and his wife, Mary, worked closely with Congressman Foley to boost ties between Republicans and the Hollywood community. But they could come up with only one convert----Michael Jackson...  [] Little Rock, Arkansas officials have replaced "City of Roses" with "The Rock" as the city's official nickname. Trading names with Alcatraz, now known as "Rose Island."...  [] Catholic Supreme Court justices Roberts, Scalia, Kennedy and Thomas attended a "Red Mass" at the Cathedral of St. Matthew the Apostle in Washington.   The "red" in red mass symbolizes the blood splattered about when they slice the balls off of the Separation of of Church and State doctrine...[] The President and First Lady hosted a black tie gala to launch the National Book Festival. Anytime Bush is in the same room with a book it merits a black tie gala...  [] Congress has okayed a bill to construct a 700-mile-long fence along the US-Mexican border.  With a 1,300-mile-wide gate...  [] The Sons of Confederate Veterans have objected to Sen. Mark Allen admitting that he failed to grasp that the Confederate flag could be offensive to minorities.  Offensive? Just because they use it to line birdcages?...  [] A West Point cadet has been convicted of rape----the first since women were admitted in 1976. Duty... Honor... Country... DNA...  [] Two Palm Beach FL priests embezzled $8.6 million from St. Vincent Ferrer Catholic church to pay gambling debts. In the padres' defense, you can't molest underage one-armed bandits...  [] Pope tells Castle Gondolfo audience that "the Church does not force anyone to accept the message of the gospel." He was in town to excommunicate Madonna...  [] Al-Zawahari accuses Bush of being a "deceitful liar" and the pope of launching another Crusade.  And both were elected by ballots that had to be burned afterwards...  [] Barbara Walters turned 76 last week. In her honor, Bush signed a proclamation allowing her to torture Star Jones.
[] Eighty-three military recruiters have been charged with sexually abusing potential recruits, some as young as 16. The majority are members of the 104th Kobe Bryant Reconnaissance Regiment, Jerry Lee Lewis Honor Brigade.  [] While the US was losing the Ryder Cup, American tennis players were being eliminated from the Davis Cup by Russia.   On a more positive note, US athletes still leads the world in spousal abuse...  [] The National Association of Evangelicals has launched "Muslim Prayer Forums" in which Christians will ask God to help Muslims accept Jesus.   Allah isn't used to granting favors to Christians, but, hey----this just might work...  [] A French newspaper printed a report that Osama bin Laden died of typhoid fever in September.   While waiting for his Afghanistan war veteran's medical benefits...

For complete coverage of events as they unfold, go to
Bob Mills is the author of "Hope Writer:  My Life Inside Bob Hope's Comedy Factory" available online at:

Originally posted to Jokesmith on Fri Oct 06, 2006 at 02:57 PM PDT.

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