From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Hat tip to Andrew Sullivan for reviving this piece from The Onion circa December, 2002:
Flanked by key members of Congress and his administration, President Bush approved Monday a streamlined version of the Bill of Rights that pares its 10 original amendments down to a "tight, no-nonsense" six.
A Republican initiative that went unopposed by congressional Democrats, the revised Bill of Rights provides citizens with a "more manageable" set of privacy and due-process rights by eliminating four amendments and condensing and/or restructuring five others. The Second Amendment, which protects the right to keep and bear arms, was the only article left unchanged. [...]
The Fourth Amendment, which long protected citizens' homes against unreasonable search and seizure, was among the eliminated amendments. Also stricken was the Ninth Amendment, which stated that the enumeration of certain Constitutional rights does not result in the abrogation of rights not mentioned.
"Quite honestly, I could never get my head around what the Ninth Amendment meant anyway," said outgoing House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-TX), one of the leading advocates of the revised Bill of Rights. "So goodbye to that one." [...]
"Any machine, no matter how well-built, periodically needs a tune-up to keep it in good working order," Bush said. "Now that we have the bugs worked out of the ol' Constitution, she'll be purring like a kitten when Congress reconvenes in January--just in time to work on a new round of counterterrorism legislation."
The Onion people...they scare me.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Note: Due to circumstances beyond our control, the C&J uranium-enrichment workshop has been cancelled. If you happen to find a glowing mayonnaise jar near the Elm Street bus station, please drop us an email.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the midterm elections: 27
Days `til I start collecting Social Security: 8,333
Amount the RSCC raised online in September: $23,000
(Source: Americablog)
Number of years it took David Banh, 18, to earn enough credits to graduate--with a double major in physics and math--from the University of Virginia: 1
(Source: TIME)
Minimum number of Chinese censors who monitor Internet activity: 100,000
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of things in the world that are disappearing faster that Bush/Cheney bumper stickers: 0
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 154 (including 5 droughts and 4 plagues) Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you'll be walking among the heathen today.
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: When the power goes out, it's always nice to know you have a couple of backup dishwashers.
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CHEERS to carving the roast beast. The Lamont campaign gets serious in their new TV ad, "The Promise." It draws blood by taking dead aim at two of Joe Lieberman's most egregious lies. Let's see: 298 lies left...divided by 27 days...equals 11 lies per day. Keep a fire extinguisher next to the editing equipment, guys.
CHEERS to National Coming Out Day. It's a frustrating chicken-or-the-egg conundrum: Gay people need to come out so that the straight world can see that we're literally everywhere and deserve equal rights. But first the straight world needs to stop fostering conditions that make it unsafe to come out. But first gay people need to come out. But first society needs to make it safe. But first gay people need to come out. But first...I need a drink.
JEERS to Denny the Hastert. His "big announcement" yesterday morning was mercifully brief ("I didn't do it---it was everyone else!"), but the graveyard he chose as his backdrop spoke volumes. I'll say it: I'm starting to pity the fool.
CHEERS to sands through the hourglass. One month ago President Bush and his pigeon-toed sloths were exploiting 9/11 for political gain...and it almost looked like it was working. Today the American people are angrier than ever, the GOP is in tatters, and the Democrats are surging. It ain't over, but right now it feels good to see the bastards squirm.
JEERS to sands through the hourglass. I'm getting so sick of this line of "reasoning" from the Old media. It goes like this: "A dozen polls show Democrats leading Republicans by 20 points. But, of course, there's still eight seven six five four weeks to go, which is an eternity in politics---anything can happen. Of course, if the Democrats were even with, or trailing, the Republicans, the pundits would be shouting, "There's only four weeks to go, this thing is OVER. Stick a form in `em, the Democrats are done. They're hopeless." Pot...kettle.
JEERS to Cheney as usual. On Meet the Press Sunday, Bob Woodward revealed that he was on the receiving end of Dr. Death's potty mouth:
Woodward: "He called to complain that I was quoting him about the meetings with Henry Kissinger that he and the president had. I had interviewed Vice President Cheney last year a couple of times at length about material I'm gathering on the Ford administration, on-the-record interviews, but he volunteered, he said, "Oh, by the way, Henry Kissinger comes in" and he, Dick Cheney, sits down with him once a month and the president every two or three months. And Cheney was upset I was quoting him. And I said, "Look, this--on-the-record doesn't have anything to do with Ford, you volunteered that." He then used a word which I can't repeat on the air. And I said, "Look, on the record is on the record," and he hung up on me.
Tim Russert: What do you mean, he swore at you?
Woodward:He, he said what I was saying was "bull[shit]." [...] It's a metaphor for what's going on. Hang up when somebody has a different point of view or information you don't want to deal with.
It took you three books to notice that, huh, Bobby? Mind if I call you Quick Draw McGraw?
CHEERS to the sanctity of marriage. Happy Anniversary to President Bill and President Hillary Clinton (stopped yer pulse there for a second, didn't I?). According to the Weekly Standard's Big Pop-up Book of American History, they got hitched on October 11, 1975 while running from the Feds during a string of bank robberies, land grabs and assassinations of their opponents. That's amoré!
JEERS to spoilsports. Another reason to despise the way Republicans operate: As they're trying to starve the government of tens of billions of dollars in revenue by repealing the estate tax, they're also trying to "cut costs" by taking away the NCAA's tax-exempt status. Penalty: one House majority. Jerks.
CHEERS to late-night fun. On this date in 1975, Saturday Night Live aired for the first time with guest host George Carlin. Which reminds me...I wonder how Francisco Franco's doing these days.
JEERS to John McCain. The Republican maverick dwarf pony said yesterday that the crisis with North Korea is the product of what happened 10 years ago on Clinton's watch. Then he praised Herbert Hoover for winning World War II and Franklin Pierce for freeing the slaves. Get well soon, Senator. Get well soon.
GOOD LUCK, BUDDY to Ban Ki-moon He's the South Korean foreign minister who just became the new U.N. Secretary. Let's check his To-Do list for the coming week, shall we? Oh, lets...
1) Introduce self to new staff
2) Unpack things in new office
3) Bolton...swirlie
I like him! I like him!
JEERS to pigs who claim to speak for God. I had to transcribe this story by Author David Rakoff from The Daily Show last week. Remember: Robert Knight is head of the Culture and Family Institute:
"So I called up this guy named Robert Knight, [who] is the founder of the Culture and Family Institute. They always have such innocuous names---it's like, `Oh, the Basket of Puppies Foundation!' The Culture and Family Institute is an offshoot of Concerned Women For America. ... So we're talking, and finally I say, `Okay, you know that HIV is [also] transmitted by good old fashioned, red-blooded hetero[sexual] married sex?' And he says---into my telephone, knowing that he's being recorded---`Yeah, but not as much. I mean, the vagina can take a lot of punishment.'"
I bet that just cracks `em up in Knight's Sunday school class.
JEERS to moving the goalposts. Ha! Check out the evolution of Rush Limbaugh's infallible logic, which goes from Wingnut to Lunatic in two easy steps. THEN: Democrats won't take the House or the Senate; they're failures. NOW: If Democrats don't take both the House and the Senate, it'll be a huge defeat and they'll be deemed failures. Makes perfect sense...if you happen to be waiting in line for Nurse Ratched to hand out your happy pills.
CHEERS to strong women. Today is Eleanor Roosevelt's 122nd birthday. Like Hillary, she didn't confine herself to picking out White House china patterns; she served as U.S. Delegate to the United Nations...and Good Luck Margarine spokesperson. Pay your respects to the old gal here. And take comfort in knowing she could hog tie Laura Bush in a vat of Jell-O and make her squeal in 5 seconds flat.
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One Year Ago in C&J: October 11, 2005...
JEERS to the year of the disaster. In the last 12 months we've had a catastrophic tsunami that killed thousands, category 5 hurricanes that have killed thousands, and now a horrifying earthquake in Asia that has killed tens of thousands. So naturally Pat Robertson says it's all a prelude to Jesus's imminent arrival. Perhaps you could wipe that smirk off your face, Reverend, and inform our Savior that we have something on this planet called THE DOORBELL.
CHEERS to justice...the Maine way. One thing you do NOT do in Maine is steal somebody's lobsters. Well, a couple of dunderheads did just that and they got caught. Soon they'll discover that a lobster's crusher claw can exert a force of (this is true) 1,180 pounds per square inch. Hope you guys were done having kids.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the rules of pee-pee. In today's must-watch, SIMS characters reveal the secret but immutable laws of Male Restroom Etiquette (yes, violating them will lead to the end of civilization). That's why I only use the bushes.
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Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial
"I'm very comforted to know that Cheers and Jeers is not covered by Common Article 3 of the Geneva Conventions. Heh Heh Heh."
---Joe Lieberman
10/4/06
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