SAN FRANCISCO, CA (AP)—The City's orthodox gay Castro District was rocked late Friday by stunning allegations that one of its leading lights has in fact long been living a sordid, "double life" on the opposite coast. Internet and phone records, as well as Capitol parking stubs, NSA wiretap transcripts, and certain hair samples from communal baths in the Rayburn Building, were provided to the Associated Press by an anonymous source. The evidence overwhelmingly suggests that Big Gay Al, a well-known spokesman for the queer movement, has been serving clandestinely as a member of Congress since 1996.
Internet and phone records, as well as Capitol parking stubs, NSA wiretap transcripts, and certain hair samples from communal baths in the Rayburn Building, were provided to the Associated Press by an anonymous source. The evidence overwhelmingly suggests that Big Gay Al, a well-known spokesman for the queer movement, has been serving clandestinely as a member of Congress since 1996.
Typical of the nebulously damning material provided by the source was the following internet chat exchange, deemed "quite possibly authentic" by our font-kerning experts:
Bga69: I want to see you
Lobbyist: Like i said not til feb...then we go to dinner with karl at signatures
Bga69: and then what happens
Lobbyist: we eat...we drink...who knows...hang out...draft industry-approved language to slip into the conference reconciliation
Bga69: and? my freezers empty, you know, lots of space in there ideal for green, rectangular stacks of...
Lobbyist: I dunno
Bga69: dunno what?
Lobbyist: hmmm I have the feeling that you are fishing here...im not sure what I would be comfortable with...we'll see
Neighbor and close friend Hugh Shagpole tried to reconcile the lurid allegations with the man he'd known so intimately.
"You'd never have suspected it to look at him—Al was basically your run-of-the-mill, easy-going queen, the kind you might run into anywhere...his rhinestone jodhpurs were just as tight, his voice just as lilting, and his wrist every bit as limp as the next pink-tinged American metrosexual," lamented a bemused Shagpole.
"So, for me to accept that he would consort with those types of people...these lobbyists and p-p-political power brokers—that all this time he's been hunkering down in some sleazy Capitol office, starting wars, gutting entitlements, "marking up bills", funneling earmarks to suspicious "nature" shows on PBS, or playing golf with fashion-inhibited oil barons in identical drab ties and blazers...it's totally surreal.
Now, this may be the kind of lifestyle that some pickup-driving, cornstalk-chewing, salt-of-the-earth farming enclave in Nebraska would salute...but regular, jus'plain Americans out here in San Francisco are scratching their groins trying to understand how the Big "A" fell so far into civic-minded depravity, and so quickly.
I mean, can you think of a more colossal, shameful, and destructive waste of energy than holding a seat in this Congress? Name one thing they've done that hasn't poisoned the future for our children! The Congressional agenda is literally killing America, and decent folks have got to rise up and put a stop to it."
DC political insiders, interviewed at last night's 50th Annual Sally Quinn fête honoring the David Broder Fourth Estate Political Non-Aggression Pact, reacted with trademark unflappable indifference to the news, saying the allegations were "vicious and overblown", and part of an all-too-common trend toward shrill, indecorous speech among the partisan rabble.
"Anyway, people here in Washington hesitate to make too much out of a thing like that—I mean, Big Al's been 'out' locally for years," said one well-connected Congressional aide, who asked not to be identified. "Besides, he's done the right thing by renouncing his orientation immediately and looking for scapegoats...that should help his image tremendously."
Former DC lobbyist Abe Jackamoff concurred, saying,
"It's often the case with these guys, that they live in kind of a "glass closet" here in town. Everyone here knows Al's an elected official, but there's a kind of a—gentleman's agreement not to discuss it in the national press, where word might get back to his home district that he is in fact representing them."
"Well, I don't believe a word of it, huffed Lynne Cheney, Accidental Vice-President of PFLRD (Parents, Family and Friends of Latent Republicans and Democrats). "Big Gay Al's been a proud, upstanding member of the American queer community for years, and was in fact the inspiration for several of my early, uhh, novels.
So whoever would spread such sick innuendos about him, is not a good—and of course, I am speaking here as a complete tool, and a pretty indignant tool—this is not a good man. What a cheap and tawdry political trick!"
Despite their long-standing avowed hostility toward all forms of democratic government, gay leaders privately admit that the thorny wedge issue of public service has repeatedly thrust itself long and deep into their community.
"In ze '90s, it vass ze American military who infiltrated our wanks and embarrassed us with that brilliantly cynical 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' business," declared San Francisco Homo-Jugend's Unterbumsen-Führer and Haupt-Leichtloafer Uli Kunkel, as he knotted his lavender cravat.
"Now it iss the Legislative Branch's turn to be making with the same funny stuff. Look around, ver-effah you go--at ze horticulture klub, ze opera, a ciffil union ceremony, or eefen your Freitag afternoon Mincing-und-Svishing class--chances are, you're no more than 15 meters avay from a Hill staffer, a Senator, a county drains commissioner oder zwei. Zey may not be obvious, but zey are definitely val-kink amonk us and spreadink zeir sinister agenda. "
Indeed, even the bedrock bestiality and NAMBLA communities of the heartland seem dangerously susceptible to the Washington taint in recent months, as evidenced by the twin plights of Mark Foley (R-Bacardi & Loose Priests), a well-known Casanova among DC's not-quite-men, and Rick Santorum (R-Barnyard), leading public proponent of "man-on-dog sex". Both men were also recently revealed as compulsive, recidivist legislators, as an appalled nation looked on in disbelief.
"Even though he was such a flamer and all, me and Artemis Clyde Frog always thought, y'know, he's kewl, I had, y'know, major respect for his Big Gay Authoritah...but, Congress? Man, this changes everything. I'm sending back that stupid Antonio Banderas blow-up doll, and I am never thinking another gay thought as long as I live. Thanks to Big Gay Al, I've lost my faith in homosexuality. Screw you guys—I'm going home!"
Former independent security consultant Walt Sobchak was more indignant:
"I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck, so that—SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNIE!—so that this political whore, this fucking strumpet, could shack up in a DC townhouse and sell his favors all over town! If there's one thing I learned in 'Nam—""C'mon, face it, Walter," interjected an unidentified long-haired man as he gamely attempted to lead Sobchak in the direction of a rusted, mint-green Plymouth Fury, "this doesn't have anything to do with Vietnam."
Back in San Francisco, The Right Rev. "Stud" Whelps, pastor of Our Lady of Subtle Remonstrance Anathemabaptist Church in Topinka, KS, and proprietor of www.godhatesjustabouteverything.org, led a group picketing Big Al's hastily convened press conference. The Rev. Whelps vowed "Divine retribution" at the hands of "God and his faithful followers."
"Make no mistake—God hates press conferences...and sexuality...and political expression. Me and my chanting mob are gonna hound this guy to his grave. We'll be quite honored to serve as his personal escort all the way to Hades...or Hardee's, or until we spot a funeral we'd like to crash."
Big Al himself, who fled sheepishly towards a waiting limo, clad in a [relatively] toned-down mauve robe, would not take reporters' questions, but issued the following statement on Saturday morning:
Gosh-golly, I know I've really let everybody down. It all started during a tour of the White House when Nancy Reagan mistook me for her shoulder-pad consultant and shook my hand very warmly. Her scabrous touch opened the door to all kinds of deviant political fantasies.
Effective immediately, I will be resigning my commission as a card-carrying homosexual and cloistering myself at a College Republican frat house where I will undergo
political aversion therapy"rehabilitation" with the help of taped back-episodes of "C-Span II, Electric Boogaloo: The Smoot-Hawley Hearings" and plenty of Demon Rum.
I know none of what I've just said here makes even a shred of sense, but the main point here is that this Washington DC "lifestyle choice" wasn't my fault; it was someone else's fault. Do you think I elected myself??? And that's an important point to keep in mind--because if the ability to blame others for your own shortcomings isn't American, than I don't know what is! Anyway, until this furor dies down I'll be doing something pointless and inscrutable that will keep me well away from the cameras during Gay Pride Week.
Don't you dare cry for me, San Francisco!
BIG GAY AL