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October 21, 2006

SAN FRANCISCO, CA (AP)—The City's orthodox gay Castro District was rocked late Friday by stunning allegations that one of its leading lights has in fact long been living a sordid, "double life" on the opposite coast.

Internet and phone records, as well as Capitol parking stubs, NSA wiretap transcripts, and certain hair samples from communal baths in the Rayburn Building, were provided to the Associated Press by an anonymous source. The evidence overwhelmingly suggests that Big Gay Al, a well-known spokesman for the queer movement, has been serving clandestinely as a member of Congress since 1996.

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Typical of the nebulously damning material provided by the source was the following internet chat exchange, deemed "quite possibly authentic" by our font-kerning experts:

Bga69: I want to see you

Lobbyist: Like i said not til feb...then we go to dinner with karl at signatures

Bga69: and then what happens

Lobbyist: we eat...we drink...who knows...hang out...draft industry-approved language to slip into the conference reconciliation

Bga69: and? my freezers empty, you know, lots of space in there ideal for green, rectangular stacks of...

Lobbyist: I dunno

Bga69: dunno what?

Lobbyist: hmmm I have the feeling that you are fishing not sure what I would be comfortable with...we'll see

Mr. Hubert Shagpole

Neighbor and close friend Hugh Shagpole tried to reconcile the lurid allegations with the man he'd known so intimately.

"You'd never have suspected it to look at him—Al was basically your run-of-the-mill, easy-going queen, the kind you might run into anywhere...his rhinestone jodhpurs were just as tight, his voice just as lilting, and his wrist every bit as limp as the next pink-tinged American metrosexual," lamented a bemused Shagpole.

"So, for me to accept that he would consort with those types of people...these lobbyists and p-p-political power brokers—that all this time he's been hunkering down in some sleazy Capitol office, starting wars, gutting entitlements, "marking up bills", funneling earmarks to suspicious "nature" shows on PBS, or playing golf with fashion-inhibited oil barons in identical drab ties and's totally surreal.

Now, this may be the kind of lifestyle that some pickup-driving, cornstalk-chewing, salt-of-the-earth farming enclave in Nebraska would salute...but regular, jus'plain Americans out here in San Francisco are scratching their groins trying to understand how the Big "A" fell so far into civic-minded depravity, and so quickly.

I mean, can you think of a more colossal, shameful, and destructive waste of energy than holding a seat in this Congress? Name one thing they've done that hasn't poisoned the future for our children! The Congressional agenda is literally killing America, and decent folks have got to rise up and put a stop to it."

DC political insiders, interviewed at last night's 50th Annual Sally Quinn fête honoring the David Broder Fourth Estate Political Non-Aggression Pact, reacted with trademark unflappable indifference to the news, saying the allegations were "vicious and overblown", and part of an all-too-common trend toward shrill, indecorous speech among the partisan rabble.

"Anyway, people here in Washington hesitate to make too much out of a thing like that—I mean, Big Al's been 'out' locally for years," said one well-connected Congressional aide, who asked not to be identified. "Besides, he's done the right thing by renouncing his orientation immediately and looking for scapegoats...that should help his image tremendously."
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Former DC lobbyist Abe Jackamoff concurred, saying,

"It's often the case with these guys, that they live in kind of a "glass closet" here in town. Everyone here knows Al's an elected official, but there's a kind of a—gentleman's agreement not to discuss it in the national press, where word might get back to his home district that he is in fact representing them."
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"Well, I don't believe a word of it, huffed Lynne Cheney, Accidental Vice-President of PFLRD (Parents, Family and Friends of Latent Republicans and Democrats). "Big Gay Al's been a proud, upstanding member of the American queer community for years, and was in fact the inspiration for several of my early, uhh, novels.

So whoever would spread such sick innuendos about him, is not a good—and of course, I am speaking here as a complete tool, and a pretty indignant tool—this is not a good man. What a cheap and tawdry political trick!"

Despite their long-standing avowed hostility toward all forms of democratic government, gay leaders privately admit that the thorny wedge issue of public service has repeatedly thrust itself long and deep into their community.

"In ze '90s, it vass ze American military who infiltrated our wanks and embarrassed us with that brilliantly cynical 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' business," declared San Francisco Homo-Jugend's Unterbumsen-Führer and Haupt-Leichtloafer Uli Kunkel, as he knotted his lavender cravat.
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"Now it iss the Legislative Branch's turn to be making with the same funny stuff. Look around, ver-effah you go--at ze horticulture klub, ze opera, a ciffil union ceremony, or eefen your Freitag afternoon Mincing-und-Svishing class--chances are, you're no more than 15 meters avay from a Hill staffer, a Senator, a county drains commissioner oder zwei. Zey may not be obvious, but zey are definitely val-kink amonk us and spreadink zeir sinister agenda. "

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Indeed, even the bedrock bestiality and NAMBLA communities of the heartland seem dangerously susceptible to the Washington taint in recent months, as evidenced by the twin plights of Mark Foley (R-Bacardi & Loose Priests), a well-known Casanova among DC's not-quite-men, and Rick Santorum (R-Barnyard), leading public proponent of "man-on-dog sex". Both men were also recently revealed as compulsive, recidivist legislators, as an appalled nation looked on in disbelief.

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Elsewhere across the country, reactions ranged from disillusionment to outrage. South Park, Colorado teen and former FingerBang front-man Eric Cartman mused,

"Even though he was such a flamer and all, me and Artemis Clyde Frog always thought, y'know, he's kewl, I had, y'know, major respect for his Big Gay Authoritah...but, Congress? Man, this changes everything. I'm sending back that stupid Antonio Banderas blow-up doll, and I am never thinking another gay thought as long as I live. Thanks to Big Gay Al, I've lost my faith in homosexuality. Screw you guys—I'm going home!"
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Former independent security consultant Walt Sobchak was more indignant:
"I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck, so that—SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNIE!—so that this political whore, this fucking strumpet, could shack up in a DC townhouse and sell his favors all over town! If there's one thing I learned in 'Nam—"
"C'mon, face it, Walter," interjected an unidentified long-haired man as he gamely attempted to lead Sobchak in the direction of a rusted, mint-green Plymouth Fury, "this doesn't have anything to do with Vietnam."

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Back in San Francisco, The Right Rev. "Stud" Whelps, pastor of Our Lady of Subtle Remonstrance Anathemabaptist Church in Topinka, KS, and proprietor of, led a group picketing Big Al's hastily convened press conference. The Rev. Whelps vowed "Divine retribution" at the hands of "God and his faithful followers."

"Make no mistake—God hates press conferences...and sexuality...and political expression. Me and my chanting mob are gonna hound this guy to his grave. We'll be quite honored to serve as his personal escort all the way to Hades...or Hardee's, or until we spot a funeral we'd like to crash."

Big Al himself, who fled sheepishly towards a waiting limo, clad in a [relatively] toned-down mauve robe, would not take reporters' questions, but issued the following statement on Saturday morning:

Gosh-golly, I know I've really let everybody down. It all started during a tour of the White House when Nancy Reagan mistook me for her shoulder-pad consultant and shook my hand very warmly. Her scabrous touch opened the door to all kinds of deviant political fantasies.

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Effective immediately, I will be resigning my commission as a card-carrying homosexual and cloistering myself at a College Republican frat house where I will undergo political aversion therapy"rehabilitation" with the help of taped back-episodes of "C-Span II, Electric Boogaloo: The Smoot-Hawley Hearings" and plenty of Demon Rum.

I know none of what I've just said here makes even a shred of sense, but the main point here is that this Washington DC "lifestyle choice" wasn't my fault; it was someone else's fault. Do you think I elected myself??? And that's an important point to keep in mind--because if the ability to blame others for your own shortcomings isn't American, than I don't know what is! Anyway, until this furor dies down I'll be doing something pointless and inscrutable that will keep me well away from the cameras during Gay Pride Week.

Don't you dare cry for me, San Francisco!


Originally posted to turbonium on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 03:34 AM PDT.


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Comment Preferences

  •  I'm not gay. Pinky swear! (6+ / 0-)

    Thank you for the laugh. You thilly thing.

    The GOP IS Daffy: "It's mine, understand? Mine, all mine! Get back down there! Down down down! Go go go! Mine mine mine! Mwahahaha!" --Bill in ME

    by rhetoricus on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 03:42:59 AM PDT

  •  A Frequently Overlooked Aspect of Satire (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    turbonium, Plutonium Page, sobermom
    Is it should be funny...

    There are no hereditary kings in America and no powers not created by the Constitution.

    by The Baculum King on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 03:47:13 AM PDT

    •  Not necessarily. (6+ / 0-)

      I suspect "funny" as a requirement came with the advent of advertising: customers (advertisers) are rather wary of truth, which is one of the prime ingredients of a satire.  A population quick to discern truth from pretense is not one the advertiser seeks.  The selling of pamphlets (magazines) required entertaining, and therefore not just well-meant and well-thought and well-written truthful pieces, but something light and easy.  "Funny" in this sense was a mercantile requirement of publishing, but not of writing, and certainly not of satire.  Perhaps it was naturalyl subsumed by "satire" until the two became inextricably mixed -- in a society in which mercantile pressures are often assumed to be normal, this confusion would be expected.  A Modest Proposal: For Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick was not, and is not, funny, though it remains the greatest example of the genre satire:  that which ridicules prevalent vices or follies.  While not funny, this diary is a fine example of sustained satire.

      Bush/Republican legacy: Abu Ghraib, Gitmo, Cheney's Dirty War, Black Sites, AnalPlugs&Bodybags, Rendition, Torture, Waterboards, Murder, the Disappeared.

      by Yellow Canary on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 04:47:06 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Which is more confusing, (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:

        this diary, or this comment?

        Big Jack Kelly, the Smartest Guy in the World, the Arrogant Autodidact, the Sage Amongst His Books, the Seeker of Truth who Found It.

        by bigjacbigjacbigjac on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 04:50:26 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      •  Satire Without Humor (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        turbonium, Yellow Canary
        Is like sex without a partner: technically possible but much less satisfying.

        There are no hereditary kings in America and no powers not created by the Constitution.

        by The Baculum King on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 04:59:28 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  "Love me, Jeffrey!" (5+ / 0-)

          I'd never have expected such erudition as Yellow C.'s in defense of my claim to satirical legitimacy, albeit humorless.  I was ready to concede and fall back to "irony" or even the unpreposessing "snark"

          Stil...nary a grin for Friday-afternoon Mincing & Swishing classes...or Nancy's personal shoulder-pad valet?  This is either a tough crowd, an insufficiently intoxicated crowd ;-), or simply one preoccupied with the coming election, the stakes of which are admittedly all too grave...

          Government sucks. Vote for us and we'll prove it. --Republican Party Platform

          by turbonium on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 05:10:57 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  Nancy's shoulder pad valet was deftly ... (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            turbonium, 4thepeople

            ... played and I would have smiled but for the limitations of my horny projecting mouthparts.  To the penis-bone king I would say this:  the response to humor and the response to satire are different emotions, allied, yes, but as importantly different as the goals of their creators, as different as entertaining and teaching, or, yes, as masturbation and love-making.  In your Bacular comparison this difference is improperly rated (except, in fact, among the most enthusiastic Onanists):  one is not a diminutive shadow of the other.  The best satire is not at all funny -- it is deadly serious, producing a laughter more expressive of nervousness than humor.

            Bush/Republican legacy: Abu Ghraib, Gitmo, Cheney's Dirty War, Black Sites, AnalPlugs&Bodybags, Rendition, Torture, Waterboards, Murder, the Disappeared.

            by Yellow Canary on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 05:34:17 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

  •  The dude abides (6+ / 0-)

    I was all for the Republicans last time, but when the President came to my house his dog pissed on the rug.  That rug made the room, man.

  •  "Big Gay Al"... Phooey! (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    turbonium, Timoteo

    Here in Idaho, we've got BIG GAY (Senator) LARRY (Craig)!
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    Tilting at windmills, with the proper armor and enough firepower, can be a productive effort.

    by Serephin on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 05:25:04 AM PDT

  •  I think that little girl has it wrong (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    turbonium, 4thepeople

    God hates the ROYALS, not America.

    Here's the proof!

  •  You mean it ISN'T funny? (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    turbonium, 4thepeople

    I thought it was hysterical! "Stud Whelps"???

    "Truth never damages a cause that is just."~~~Mohandas K. Gandhi

    by LynneK on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 05:38:42 AM PDT

  •  First-class snark, as far as I'm concerned. (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    Absolutley surgical deconstruction.

    Mom? Dad? I'm gay.

    That's nice, dear.

    And I'm running for office.

    Not as long as you're in this family! How dare you? How am I going to explain this to your grandfather? Nobody in our family has ever been a politician! Harold, he's your son. Taaalk to him!

    Left. Because it's right.

    by 4thepeople on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 05:45:41 AM PDT

  •  Heh (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    This is "heh" funny, and well-constructed. Perfect for a 9 a.m. Saturday kinda mood.

    the blue sea seethes with reason

    by howth of murph on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 06:05:01 AM PDT

  •  Whhoooa . like, dude (0+ / 0-)

    you know I, ah, followed that link an all that ya had in here, dude and you know like nothin happened, dude. And I was all like Dude!WTF?!   Cause I mean like I was stuck in there dude with like these German like Nihilist GAY DUDES, dude. Like, like for HOURS.

    It was ri.dic.ulous. There was this dude like , turbonium, man in there crackin jokes and shit.

    So I asks him like dude where'd ya get a name like turbonium, dude??

    And HE SAAYS "Well Jimmy, its like takin' "turgid" and "boner", hence "turbonium", and taking it to an entirely new level, then ass ramming it to "The  Man" , the very coitus of which can

    "...repeatedly thrust itself long and deep into their community."

    And I say like "WHOAA , dude, I mean like...."

    And he's like jokingly reaching for baby oil, and he says :
    "Allow me to hit your "BACK BUTTON"
    and Poof, here I am. Whoao DUUUDE.

    WIN ELECTIONS or Buy Guns.

    by Robert Davies on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 04:43:36 PM PDT

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