From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Long week. Need jokes:
"President Bush is working hard on the Iraq situation. Today he told the Iraqi people to "get governing." Then he went on to introduce his new speech writer, Larry the Cable Guy.
---Conan O'Brien
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"The election is three [less than two] weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first---a disaster they were actually prepared for."
---Bill Maher
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"Senator Joe Lieberman told a reporter he didn't know which would be better, Democratic or Republican control of Congress. Maybe it would be better if he took some time off to think about it. Like 6 years."
---Will Durst
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"Do you believe how self-destructive this Congress has become? This upcoming election is not an election, it's an intervention."
---Jay Leno
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"This Sunday is a high holy day for Republicans. It's the one day a year they get to do the thing they cherish most: go backward in time."
---Eh, I just made that up
Oh, and a special message from Rush Limbaugh: "Hey Jerry's Kids! Quit fakin' it!" Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 27, 2006
Note: Due to inebriation, the role of Bill in Portland Maine is being played today by Anthony Hopkins.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the mid-term elections: 11
Days `til Borat: 7
Amount of candy corn that will be produced this year: Over 35 million pounds
(Source: National Confectioners Association)
Number of Americans who went bowling last year: 45 million
(Source: Fortune)
Exxon's 3rd quarter profits: $10.49 Billion
Number of times Bush said "Benchmark" during his Wednesday press conference: 13
World Series: St. Louis leads Detroit 3 games to 1
And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,684
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "After making us dress up like this, we're gonna throw Timmy down the well ourselves."
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CHEERS to poll mania! Steve Singiser's "Following the Polls" series is just great. In last night's edition, we learned that, among likely voters, the Dems have a national 4-poll average lead of 15 percent. With eleven days still to go, please confine your irrational exuberance to that which can fit in this space: []. Now...back to the trenches. [Woohoo] Stop that.
JEERS to the Secretary of Defensive. Wow...who put the fire ants in Don Rumsfeld's Underoos yesterday? After threatening the press to "just back off," then telling them to "relax" because it's just a botched occupation claiming thousands of lives, the last 5 seconds of his press briefing said everything:
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Reporter: Are the people of Baghdad safer than they were six months ago?
(No audible response.)
Reporter: Thank you.
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Yeah...thanks a lot.
CHEERS to the right hand not knowing what the two left feet are doing. This headline from yesterday's New York Times says it all about the Republicans' predicament heading toward November 7th: Bush Focuses on Iraq as GOP Tries to Change Subject. Wow...the Mighty Decider is now the equivalent of the batty uncle the family tries to keep locked in the basement.
JEERS to the mind of a madman. Dick Cheney publicly confirms that, in his world, waterboarding is not only not torture, it's actually kind of fun. If you ever get an invitation to his next Splish Splash Happy Fun Backyard Carnival...trust me, take a pass.
CHEERS to Republican milestones worth celebrating. Happy Birthday, Theodore Roosevelt---148 years old today. #26 has a few words for #43:
"I think there is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head."
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"Never throughout history has a man who lived a life of ease left a name worth remembering."
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"Some men can live up to their loftiest ideals without ever going higher than a basement."
Ouch. Pay your respects here.
JEERS to flushing the new strategy down the toilet. There's a lengthy analysis in TIME magazine by Aparisim Ghosh, who suggests five steps that could be taken in Iraq to minimize the carnage. The article's conclusion sounds like it's coming from a pharmacist:
If all of these prescriptions were applied, would they make a difference? It's possible, but only if taken together. [...] Equally plausible, however, is the prospect that none of these steps will work, taken separately or together. Among independent analysts in Iraq and Washington, there is a growing skepticism about prescriptions of any kind.
Actually, maybe that's the solution: start adding Prozac and Ritalin to their water supply. Separately or together.
CHEERS to giving an old man a little slip `o the tongue. No, not Mark Foley, silly. Maine's most famous poet, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, is getting his very own postage stamp. I forget...what rhymes with Nantucket again?
CHEERS to success. Fifty years ago the number of bighorn sheep living in the west Texas mountains had dwindled to virtually zip. But efforts to bring them back have worked so well (over 800 bighorns now) that they've started issuing licenses to hunt `em. That would explain all the U-Haul vans with hairy drivers makin' a beeline for New Mexico.
JEERS to horror fables. Once upon a time there was an Emperor with no clothes. After invading a country with no provocation, destroying a budget surplus with no effort and shredding the Constitution with no conscience, he tried to build a giant wall with no money. Tragically, we have over two years before we get to say the words, THE END.
CHEERS to doctor's orders. Bill "First?" Frist, M.D. says candidates on his team should talk more about their tax cuts...in fact they should scream it from the rooftops. Kossack Bonddad says, "Bring it on:"
88.3% of the total benefits from Bush tax cuts went to people with incomes over $100,000. In addition, the total number of taxpayers who got a vast majority of the benefits represent only 12.71% of all taxpayers.
That would look great in a GOP ad, don't you think? Any more ideas, Dr. Frist? We're all ears...
JEERS to politicizing from the pulpit. CREW is suing two Kansas churches for actively campaigning to get the state's conservative attorney general re-elected. What would Jesus do? Probably join the lawsuit.
CHEERS to the New York Times. For getting it right about Wednesday's New Jersey Supreme Court decision:
New Jersey already has a civil-unions law, but it gives same-sex couples fewer rights than married couples. Same-sex couples are penalized financially, in areas like employer-provided health benefits and inheritance taxes. They are also disadvantaged socially and in practical, day-to-day ways. One of the plaintiffs in the case had trouble getting her partner into a hospital emergency room with her when she was sick.
The court required the Legislature to level the playing field in every respect but one. It said lawmakers can call relationships between partners of the same sex marriage, or something else. This page supports gay marriage, but we also know it will not be recognized instantly. New Jersey's delay is unfortunate, but at least it makes it hard for anti-gay forces in the state to mobilize against the decision. The court ruling secures important rights, and paves the way for the full equality that will no doubt come.
Hopefully before we're all dead and buried. (Take the poll)
JEERS to the Associated Press. The headline screams: "Michael J. Fox ads for Democrats spark backlash!" Holy torches and pitchforks, Batman, the villagers are storming the castle! Who might all these backlashers be??
The ads have triggered a backlash, with some criticizing them as exploitive. Conservative radio commentator Rush Limbaugh has claimed Fox was "either off his medication or acting."
A backlash of two: Rush and "Some." Take note, Pulitzer committee.
P.S. Rush in a nutshell: "Disabled people should just shut the hell up and convulse in private." And yet he keeps his job.
CHEERS to an extra hour of shuteye. Daylight Saving Time ends Sunday morning at 2am. Also, federal rules dictate that you have to take all your smoke detectors outside at 2am and test them under your neighbor's bedroom window. Trust me...there's a hefty fine if you don't.
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One Year Ago in C&J: October 27, 2005...
CHEERS to a fresh pair of stockings. Last year the Red Sox broke their 86-year losing streak. Last night the White Sox broke their 88-year losing streak, trouncing with merciless cruelty the hopelessly unprepared and outgunned Houston Astros...um...1-0. Party on, Chicago.
WHAAA??? to the headline of the day: MIERS WITHDRAWS SUPREME COURT NOMINATION. Aww...and Harriett was the coolest nominee ever! At C&J, we feel like we just lost our favorite babysitter. And now we're gonna get some wingnut who overcooks the broccoli and sends us to bed at 7. [Sigh] [10/27/06 Update: "Yes, Mr. Alito, sir, I'll polish your boots. Thank you for the bread and water, Mr. Alito, sir..."]
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And just one more...
CHEERS to things that come in tens. Like the Top 10 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Voting for Schwarzenegger:
10. "Do I feel comfortable having a governor who oils his chest?"
9. "Have I thoroughly considered Stallone, Van Damme and Seagal?"
8. "Is 'Come on, it'll be funny' a good reason to vote for someone?"
7. "Has he done enough to make California a laughingstock?"
6. "How can I be sure he'll be just as Schwarzeneggy this time around?"
5. "Can I bench-press more today than I could three years ago?"
4. "What would Predator do?"
3. "Will he cut taxes on steroids?"
2. "He won't embarrass us, will he?"
1. "Have I lost my mind?"
For anyone thinking of pulling the lever for a Republican November 8th, that would be an emphatic YES.
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Have a great weekend. Toilet paper your least-favorite Republican's trees. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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