(for immediate release)
Schedule for the American Conservative Union Tribute To House Republican Leader Tom DeLay
LOCATION: Capitol Hilton
COST:
$250 Individual Ticket
$2000 Table
$10,000 Member, Host Committee
$100,000 You Want That Frickin' Energy Bill Passed, Sparky? `Nuff Said.
7:30 "TOM WHO? No-Host Bar Reception Photo Op Avoidance Opportunity.
Photographer will circulate. Those who wish to avoid being photographed with the Hammer in a "Grab N' Grin" that can be used in 2006 Demo attack ad must hand Mr. Delay an envelope with $2500 in used, non-sequential 20 dollar bills (NO CHECKS PLEASE)
8 p.m. - INVOCATION - James Dobson will attempt to give corpse of Terry Schiavo (SUBJECT TO AVAILABILITY) mouth to mouth resuscitation, then condemn all Democrats to murdering her in cold blood. Followed by some stuff about Jesus and Tom Delay being very, very similar (carbon-based, opposable thumbs...???)
8:10 p.m. - Dinner (Catered by Wal-Mart Employee Cafeterias)
8:20 p.m. - SPEAKERS (LIST NOT AVAILABLE - SPONSORS OF TRIBUTE EMPHASIZE THAT EXTENDED COMPARISONS OF DELAY TO RONALD REAGAN, THOMAS JEFFERSON, STONEWALL JACKSON AND JESUS CHRIST THE MARTYR DO NOT CONNOTE ENDORSEMENT)
9 p.m. - "2 Minute Hate" Subject: Hillary Clinton
9:02 - Announcement of Formation of "Tom Delay Rehabilitation Through Expensive, Therapeutic Golfing Vacations in Scotland PAC" (TDRTETGUPAC). NOTE - Attendees will not be allowed to leave the room before a voluntary contribution of $5,000 or more)
9:10 - SPEECH BY MISTER DELAY - Text not available. Mr. Delay is expected to reveal the details of the conspiracy to halt his role in creating the inevitable American Conservative Free-Market Christian Theocratic Paradise - a conspiracy composed of heathen atheistic infidel Democrats, anal-sex loving Hollywood Satanists, "Evil-Lution" embracing pointy-headed nihilist Communist academics, and Hillary Clinton-loving Wiccan lesbian occult covens.
9:30 - RAPTURE UPDATE - The Right Reverend Chan Chandler of the recently purged East Waynesville Democrat-Free Church of A Punitive, Unforgiving, Merciless God O' Love announces the exact time and date of the Rapture.
9:45 - House "Ethics Schmethics" Committee to Award Mr. Delay first ever "Free Pass for Life" Platinum Immaculate Infallibility Card.
10 p.m. - "GRAFTAPALOOZA" GOODY BAGS HANDED OUT - The Sponsors of this event wish to state from the outset that they have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER how those sold gold Rolex watches (coughHalliburtoncough) got into these bags. The keys to the Cadillac Escalades, on the other hand, were contributed to the fine folks at ExxonMobil. OxyContin Sampler Packs Courtesy Rush Limbaugh
10:30 POST-BANQUET FUN - WELCOME TO JACK ABRAMOFF'S "HONEST INJUN" SLOTS O' FUN CASINO PARTY! Sponsored (without their knowledge) by the "Frickin' Morons" of the Coushatta Nation of Louisiana