I have nothing of substance to add to Georgia10's diary
about the declassification of Iraqi nuclear documents, but that's not really what this diary's about. It's about the state of my own mind, and my ongoing struggle to hear the faraway drone of reality over the relentless cacophony of spin and bullshit that surrounds me.
I work with people who have severe mental illnesses, many of whom experience persistent aural hallucinations and other distortions of thought. One of the primary obstacles to recovery that they face is the feeling that they can no longer trust their own thoughts; and while I cannot possibly understand exactly how that feels, I can't help but think that I'm getting a little taste of it now. I want to feel good about Tuesday -- I really do. All signs point to a Democratic takeover of the House, a tangible shot at the Senate, the likelihood of a Democratic wave that could make the "Republican revolution" of '94 look like a squeaker. But I cannot possibly be optimistic. I was optimistic in 2000, and I was burned badly. I was optimistic in '04, and my hopes were dashed against the rocks. I waited with anticipation the culmination of the Fitzgerald investigation, to no avail. I can't do this again. I can't trust the feeling. Emotion's no good, and logic fails me. I can't make the leap. My comfort zone has become a constant preparation for the worst.
What it comes down to is that after six years of this crap, I'm simply worn down -- and this latest revelation, despite its apparent gravity, does not help. I thought that I had seen it all, but this is so unreal that I'm having a hard time processing it. These are the people who told local police to be suspicious of people carrying World Almanacs, tapped our phones, threatened librarians, compiled abritrary and erroneous no-fly lists, and God knows what else that we aren't even aware of yet, and they post nuclear documents written in Arabic on the Internet in the hope that some wingnut in his pajamas might be able to translate them gratis? All because they fired their translators for being gay?
Holy shit. We really are through the looking glass now.
I don't expect a lot of feedback from this, but I simply had to get it off my chest, and I thought a late-night diary was the appropriate place to do it. If you feel the same way I do, feel free to comment. If you have some words of reassurance, feel free to add them as well, as they will be appreciated. If you just want to tell me how ridiculous and pathetic I am, don't bother. You won't be telling me anything that I haven't already told myself.
Meanwhile, I'll continue to hope for the best Tuesday; but I'll expect the worst. That's my comfort zone, and it's the only way I can keep my wits about me.