From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
We've paid our dues
Time after time
We've done our sentence
But now it's our time
And bad mistakes
We've made a few
We've had our share of sand kicked in our face
But we've come through
And still we blog and blog and blog and blog and...
We are the champions my friends
And we'll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions
They're not the champions
Limbaugh's a loser
'cause we are the champions...of the world
They thought we were licked
A minority for life
But you brought passion and persistence
and everything that goes with it---I thank you all
But it's been no bed of roses
Here on the "Tubes!"
We considered it a challenge before the whole human race
To make the Republicans lose
That's why we blogged and blogged and blogged and blogged and...
Rove ain't a champion my friends
`cause we kept on fighting till the end
We are the champions
Macaca ain't a champion
Hannity's cryin'
'cause we are the champions...of the world
[Everybody!]
We are the champions my friends
And we'll bang the gavels to the end
Dean is a champion
WE are the champions
Mehlman's a loser
'cause we are the champions...
Okay, enough of that. Back to work. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 8, 2006
Note: For those of you who missed me riding my `victory donkey' naked through the streets of Portland at dawn, the DVD is now available for pre-order---only $25,000. Cash.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Veterans Day: 3
Days `til Howard Dean's birthday: 9
Number of political ads that ran between August 1 and October 15: 942,900
(Source: Nielsen Monitor-Plus)
Number of times TV talking heads asked "Is this a wave?" last night: 29,632
Number of times they said, "It's too early to say": 29,631
Average number of millimeters Michelle Malkin's eyes bulged out of their sockets every time she had to admit Democrats won big: 54.2
Mid-week Rapture Index: 156 (including 3 false prophets and one Democratic House) Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended while you're transferring your food and supplies from the house to the bomb shelter.
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Hooray...it's over.
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The Elections:
CHEERS to winning the House. Okay, now you can start measuring for the drapes. America heeded the call to throw the bums out and put the grownups back in charge by giving our team 30 pickups. First order of business: blowing the six inches of dust off the ethics manual.
P.S. Tom DeLay's Texas district turned from red to blue overnight. That's gotta hurt. We hope.
CHEERS to running the table. We held on to Maryland and New Jersey, and picked up...are you frickin' kidding me, SIX???...seats in the Senate last night, including Whitehouse (RI), Casey (PA), Brown (OH), McCaskill (MO), Webb (VA), and Tester in Montana (the last two pending possible recounts). And how cool is it to be able to say the words, "Senator Bernie Sanders??" Now get on that floor, bang that gavel, and dig into the issues that really matter. We suggest you start with flag-burning.
JEERS to Rick Santorum. I just wanted to jeer him one more time before he fades into the wingnut woodwork for awhile. You're a vicious, narrow-minded creep, sir, and you brought neither leadership nor civility to the chamber. To ease your loneliness, may we suggest a dog, man?
P.S. Pennsylvania Congressmen Curt Weldon and Don Sherwood also lost their seats yesterday. That means they'll all get to spend more time with their families. Their poor, poor families.
CHEERS to Ned Lamont. There are only three words I want to hear from him: "I'll be back."
GOOD LORD to a quote that will live in infamy. A "troubleshooter" from the Cuyahoga County, Ohio elections board, trying to get electronic machines to work at a polling place, was quoted by MSNBC.com yesterday:
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"We got five machines...one of them's got to work!"
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Thank goodness Diebold doesn't make passenger aircraft or pacemakers.
JEERS to dirty tricks. Osama was a no-show, but that didn't stop domestic terrorists of the Republican variety from trying to destroy the foundation of our democracy---y'know, that meddlesome ideal we're supposedly fighting for in Iraq---yesterday. Robo-calls, fake ballots, mass crank-calling of a voter-fraud hotline, intimidation, and one candidate (Michael Steele of Maryland) trying to convince voters he was a Democrat. Nice try, but we could tell you were lying---your lips were moving. Let the criminal investigations begin.
CHEERS to gubernatorial goodness. If the numbers hold, we appear to have secured 50 governorships (okay, so Diebold ain't so bad after all). The sweetest: Spitzer (NY), Strickland (OH), Beebe (AR), Ritter (CO), Granholm (MI), Patrick (MA)...and Chet Culver in Iowa! "Daddy, read me the bedtime story again about the wise kings and their magic redistricting powers..."
JEERS to Republicowards. When given a choice between casting either a paper or electronic ballot, closeted RNC chairman Ken Mehlman chose paper. Can't imagine why.
CHEERS to common-sense Mainers. The flawed "Taxpayers Bill of Rights" went down in flames, John Baldacci was granted a second term as governor, and Democratic Reps. Tom Allen and Michael Michaud also won (no surprise there). Meanwhile Republican "moderate" Olympia Snowe cruised to victory after going door-to-door campaigning in her swimsuit. Hey, it's lonely up here in the sticks.
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The Rest:
CHEERS to a good verdict. Coming soon for a one-time-only engagement: the Saddam Hussein Swingin' By the Neck farewell concert! With special appearance by Huey Lewis and the News! Tickets on sale now at the Civic Center box office! Be there!
JEERS to right-wing bloggers. Because of their stupidity (namely, relying on the "competence" of the Republican leadership ex-leadership), they single-handedly convinced the government to post directions for making an A-bomb on the prestigious internets. Our only hope is that the terrorists don't figure out that Cheez WhizTM works just as well as enriched uranium. That secret is stayin' in the vault, Bub.
CHEERS to another election worth celebrating. 74 years ago today, on November 8, 1932, New York Governor Franklin Roosevelt was elected president. A few verbal goodies from FDR...
"A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward."
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"The only sure bulwark of continuing liberty is a government strong enough to protect the interests of the people, and a people strong enough and well enough informed to maintain its sovereign control over the government."
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"The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much it is whether we provide enough for those who have little."
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"Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."
[Memo to self: check source on that last one.]
CHEERS good readin'. On this date in 1731, Benjamin Franklin opened the first library in the colonies, located in Philadelphia. The dedication ceremony was cut short, thanks to the colonies' first ever "3 shushes and you're out" rule.
OH, BROTHER to sands through the hourglass. 41 years ago, on November 8, 1965, Days of Our Lives (my partner, Michael's, favorite soap for over 30 of them) premiered on NBC. Which reminds me: right after I bury you alive and steal Bo's heart I'm having your baby.
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One Year Ago in C&J: November 8, 2005...
JEERS to Do-gooding for Dummies. President Bush is forcing the kiddies in his White House to take a class in "ethics". The first 30 minutes will be spent learning how to pronounce the word.
CHEERS Arbusto el Magnifico! President Bush went down south to feel the love of the South Americanians ("It's a great country"). The White House says flowers and chocolates were strewn in his path, and small children sang folk songs of appreciation. (Psst...Sir, you still have a piece of charred American flag on your shoe.)
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And just one more...
CHEERS to a job well done. Well, fellow Kossacks, this is a great day for Democrats and a terrible (and, on many levels, bizarre) one for Republicans. There's much left to be done. But for now let's all just stop what we're doing and enjoy the reason we're all here today: the Farting Preacher. Aaaaahhhh...the spoils of victory.
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Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Cheers and Jeers is where the new direction for America begins."
---Senator-elect Bob Casey (D-PA)
11/7/06
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