This week, the American people finally reached their breaking point. They finally had had enough. They finally realized that their household was out of control, and that they needed to bring in someone who could do something about it.
So they called Nanny 911. You know the show: the one where the "before" picture shows a house full of screaming, out-of-control kids, no discipline, constant terror, and a feeling of hopelessness on the part of the parents as they watch their home falling apart at the hands of children who Will. Not. Behave.
Then, just when it seems the parents have reached the end of their rope, they make one final, pleading call to Nanny 911. They're looking for someone who will come in and lay down The Law, who will set boundaries, who will strike fear into the hearts of their willful, out-of-control kids, and get them to understand the meaning of the word, "NO".
(Also available at My Left Wing)
They say "No," in such a way that the unruly kids get it.
So - Republicans! Listen up! I hate to be the one to break this to you, but - meet your new nannies:
Ms. Nancy and Mr. Harry will be in charge now, and don't be surprised if you're not allowed to stay up as late as you want, and eat as much candy as you want, and run around the house screaming, and beat up on your little brothers, and destroy all the furniture.
And don't be surprised if there are a few other things you want that you won't be allowed to have:
You want Bob Gates for Secretary of Defense?
You want to appoint another radical-right justice to the Supreme Court?
You want to appoint another John Bolton as U.N. Ambassador?
You want to continue awarding contracts to corrupt, incompetent, criminal, thieving corporations doing business in Iraq? You want us to forget about all the theft, abuse and mismanagement that's already happened in Iraq?
NO and NO.
Starting to see how this works?
You want to forget about the Valerie Plame/Brewster Jennings treason?
You want us to forget how you got us into the Iraq war?
You want to cut veterans' benefits?
Getting tired of hearing, "No"?
You want to be allowed to arrest anyone you want, throw them into prison, torture them for the rest of their lives, and never tell anyone about it?
You want to be allowed to try to violate the Constitution with ridiculous "signing statements"?
You want to forget about Jack Abramoff and his 60 or so pals in Congress who robbed the American people?
You want us to forget that Alberto Gonzales lied to Congress?
You want us to forget that the tobacco company executives lied to Congress?
You want us to forget about the secret energy task force meetings?
You want to keep compromising Americans' security in favor of your cronies' profits?
Not as much fun, is it? You liked it better when you could always get your way, didn't you?
You want to give away federal lands to your cronies?
You want us to let your cronies pollute more?
You want your pals at Diebold to keep delivering elections to you?
You want unfettered media consolidation?
You want to keep enabling obscene profits for your pals in healthcare and insurance, at the expense of the vast majority of Americans?
You want to privatize Social Security?
You want to continue to subsidize the lifestyles of the absolute wealthiest Americans on the backs of this and future generations of average Americans?
This is starting to sound like Not Much Fun, isn't it, Republicans? Well, get used to it. You'll be hearing the word "NO" a lot more in the future.
Oh, sure, go ahead - you can stomp your feet and pound your fists, and scream, "Endless investigations! Endless investigations!" all you want - it's not going to change the fact that the Democrats are here to set things right in this house - the house that you have had the run of for six years, and have essentially left a ruin.
Now, this is not to say that teaching you Republican miscreants the meaning of the word "NO" is the limit to which proper governance goes. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Once your mess has been cleaned up and your atrocious behavior brought to a halt, your new Democratic nannies will have an opportunity to teach some positive lessons.
Among other things, you're going to learn how to play nice with the neighbor kids. That's right: not only do you have to stop being mean to your own brothers and sisters; you've also gotta learn how to get along with people whose culture and values might not be the same as yours.
You're also going to have to read that 9/11 Commission Report, and then do a project on it. Your project? Implement its recommendations.
You're going to learn to become accountable. You're going to learn to not spend all of your allowance, and then steal from the other kids' lunch money.
There's a bunch of other stuff you'll learn - but let's get this place cleaned up first.
See, besides being able to bring behavioral problems to a screeching halt, Über-nannies are good with a broom. First thing they do when they arrive is to clean up the mess. That may take a while, given how thoroughly you Republicans have trashed the place. What you've done to this country - and certain other parts of the world - makes you look like frat boys from hell, who've rented the place for a couple semesters and not given a rat's ass what it looks like when you give it back. The holes in the walls, the puke in the bathtub, the burn marks on the cabinets, the missing curtains - all of it will have to be put in order.
Oh, and that broom? Yeah, even though it's not something you'll see on TV or in the movies, another thing that our super-nannies are good at is smashing cockroaches with their brooms. As soon as our nannies enter a room and turn on the lights, the little vermin are scurrying every which way, looking for an exit.
Hmm, and right now? Yeah - Lots of cockroaches to smash. Lots of scurrying going on.
So - it's up to you guys: you can sulk and pout and throw a tantrum, and refuse to cooperate. Or - you can act your age, clean up the mess you made of America, work together just like big boys and girls, and help make America the country it's capable of being, and was intended to be by those really smart guys who invented it a coupla hundred years ago.
And, hey! - From now on, that bedroom door of yours stays open. No more going online to solicit Congressional pages. Unh-unh. And turn off that paper shredder.