King George's Quagmire

London, 1796 [ROTTERS]- Lord Richard Cheney, Prime Minister to King George Dubya II assured that the insurrection in the colonies are "in the last throes", as he asked the house of Commons for an additional 67 million Pound Sterling to further prosecute the war, adding to the 487 million Pound Sterling already expanded on the War against the Americas.

To underscore the just how well the war against the insurgents are going, Lord Halliburton of Essex has been asked to hire an additional 27,000 Hessian soldiers, or what are euphemistically called "military contractors". At the same time, Admiral Donald Rumsfeld has been in the process to create a "more agile, responsive" British Navy. A key achievement of Admiral Rumsfeld's initiative has been the mothballing of HMS Victory in favor of Humvee class gunboats- they are made of balsa wood hulls and fire 3 ounce spitballs.

However, the general public has become increasingly skeptical of the official story about the war. Gone are the days when, immediately after the Boston Massacre, King George II held a grand parade on the River Thames, sporting a banner that proclaimed "Ye Miffion Accomplifhed".

Thomas Friedman, Earl of Hack, counseled patience: "I know we face some difficulties in the Colonies, but the next 6 months will a critical period, just like the last two 6 months." He then goes on proclaiming that the world is flat,  and round, at the same time.

Indeed, the continued inability of the British army to subdue the Continental rebels has destroyed the myth of British military invincibility. A fact made more painfully clear when Scotland was annexed by France last year. "We expected a bigger fight, really" said Mssr. Napoleon Bonaparte, "but it appears all their national guardsmen are literally stuck in Ithaca."

Many pundits continue to insist that a pullout will be a disaster for the Colonies- "Look at the sectionalism between the North and the South!", wrote David Brooks on the monthly Weekly Standard, "if we pull out they might end up in a Civil War!" Critics, however, contend that such development would be beyond the control of the British army and the presence of a foreign army only exacerbates the matter. A point exemplified by one Benjamin Arnold of New York, whose entire family was killed by the Virginia British loyalists during a botched raid: "You know, in other circumstances I might be pro-British and pro-Union, but at this point I say fuck 'em all!"

To further show their commitment to the war, the House of Lords have voted to give themselves another tax break, while pushing the bulk of the war costs to the middle class British subjects. When pressed about the new legislation, Count Tony Snow replied glibly: "This new law means that beggars of England will have more farthings thrown at them!"

Of course some go the extra mile. For example, Lord James Inhofe, Second Earl of Wal-Mart, has gone so far as to place a yellow ribbon on the back of his import Horse Buggy. "This baby has 6 horse-powers under its hood- sure it takes 3 haystacks per mile to run the baby, but I can afford it, I am the Second Earl of Wal-Mart!"

•  Just Saying

  Feel free to add to the story, Lady Rice? Sir Rush Limbaugh?

  by clone12 on Mon Nov 27, 2006 at 09:42:44 PM PDT

•  Ye Miffion Accomplifhed!

  Priceless.

  by rolandzebub on Mon Nov 27, 2006 at 10:07:44 PM PDT

  •  Thanks

    :-)

    by clone12 on Tue Nov 28, 2006 at 12:02:52 AM PDT

  •  Well said

    Especially now that we are all miffed about the whole thing. /snark

    by Spoc42 on Tue Nov 28, 2006 at 03:57:16 AM PDT

•  Far too clever

  to be posted so late.  I hope there are  some other night owls here.  I think, however, that you neglected to mention one positive piece of news.  The severe drain on the royal treasury for this foreign war has been successfully addressed by New York governor Sir Georgio Pataki who, even as I write, is sitting on his ship in New York harbor printing money.  He intends to flood the accursed insurgents with this fake loot as well as the blankets of smallpox victims, with the full approval of the FDA.  

  by miriam on Mon Nov 27, 2006 at 10:09:34 PM PDT

  •  My PhD Advisor

    Relates to me about this factoid about the Revolutionary War. The Brits attempted to disrupt the Colonial economy by printing counterfeits, and this prompted the Continental Congress to publish an advisory on how to spot the fake- it was a) printed on better paper and b) didn't contain mispeelings.

    by clone12 on Tue Nov 28, 2006 at 12:06:25 AM PDT

•  As the proprietor

  of ProgressiveHistorians, a community site dedicated to the intersection of history and politics, I would be honored if you would cross-post this excellent diary there.

  by Nonpartisan on Tue Nov 28, 2006 at 09:36:59 PM PDT

  •  Oops

    Didn't see this until now.

    I'll post this in a bit :-)

    by clone12 on Mon Dec 11, 2006 at 03:16:19 PM PDT

•  You left out

  Count Collin Powell, the Count of Noaccount, who swore at a meeting of the King's Privy Council that the tea dumped into Boston Harbor, though low grade, was tea nevertheless.

  Great diary. Thanks.

  by Miss Pip on Wed Nov 29, 2006 at 09:41:18 AM PDT

  •  You're Welcome :-)

    by clone12 on Mon Dec 11, 2006 at 03:14:17 PM PDT