The Pineapple. What fruit more invokes thoughts of tropical rain forests teeming with wild orchids, toucans and towering palms? Just think of a pineapple and you are transported to the creaking deck of a pirate ship with the ocean breeze wafting through your long and tangled hair, a parrot on your shoulder, while on the distant shore the glowing eyes of a jaguar peer at you through the snarled jungle vines. Far off in the distance the twittering call of the Quetzal arouses in your soul the smoldering desire to once more thrust into the mysterious bosom of the jungle in search of that perfect gold which is the pineapple.
Come follow me below the Tropic of Cancer.
Do you know how to grow a pineapple at home? I didn’t either until just now when I Googled it. But now I am the expert.
To stay true to my diaries of the past, I will present for you a long series of block quotes from other people’s work completely devoid of any new or original content of my own. However, to make it appear to be something more than just an exercise in cut and paste, under each block I will clumsily paraphrase what the original author has already clearly stated. Interspersed will be huge leaps of logic, scatological attacks, manufactured controversy and obscure references that will be Lost on anyone who has not read The Third Policeman. You know, all the stuff of a good diary.
Before we begin our in-depth discussion on how to root a pineapple at home, let me present this article from USA TODAY to underscore just how vital this issue is.
Del Monte said it was no longer economically feasible to grow pineapple in Hawaii because it can be produced for less in other parts of the world.
...
Fred Galdones, president of International Longshore and Warehouse Union Local 142, said about the 700 pineapple workers who will lose their jobs. Galdones said he was also concerned with the future of the two remaining pineapple companies in Hawaii, Dole Food Hawaii and Maui Pineapple Co.
From the web page Sprouting a pineapple at home this is the way to grow a pineapple at home
· Select a healthy pineapple at the store. A healthy pineapple will be one that has a top that still looks green, and that is not moldy or dried up. Try pulling a small leaf out of the center of the pineapple. If it comes out easily, its probably better to move onto a different pineapple.
· Cut the leaves of the pineapple off just above where the stem comes out of the top of the pineapple. Do not leave any of the fruity part of the pineapple on the stem.
· Pull off the outer leaves of the pineapple stem leaving 4-6 big leaves near the center of the pineapple, and whatever small leaves are hidden inside.
· Set the shoot aside for a couple days so that it will harden off, and be less susceptible to rot.
· Put the shoot in some water about 1/2 inch deep. (The water should not touch the leaves.) I prefer to use pint canning jars.
· Set the shoot in a bright spot out of direct sunlight for a few weeks while roots develope.
· After roots have developed, transplant to a pot or garden spot containing soil that drains well. In northern climates, pineapples will freeze if not brought indoors for the winter.
· Pineapples prefer bright locations
So, we can see from this that growing a pineapple at home is not that hard. You just kind of lop off the top, let it sit around for a while and then put it some water. But note the "4-6 big leaves" part because it will become especially controversially later. Also, what exactly does ‘a couple days’ really mean? According to Pineapple:
First of all you need to buy a pineapple because it takes one to grow one. The easiest way to grow the plant is to cut off the crown (the leafy top). Strip a few of the basal leaves from the crown. Turn it upside down and let it dry for about a week so that the cut end and the leaf scars can harden before planting.
Plant the crown in an 8-inch porous pot using a good light garden soil with a 30% blend of organic matter. Tamp the soil firmly around the base of the crown and try not to get any soil in the leaves. You should fertilize the pineapple when planted and every two or three months thereafter with a good household plant food.
This is essentially the same method as the first, but no water is used. The pineapple crown is put directly into the dirt. In this version ‘a couple of days’ becomes ‘about a week’. Still pretty vague. According to this author you only need to strip off a ‘few of the basal leaves ‘. Can you feel the controversy growing? Well, perhaps Welcome to my page on pineapples! can clear things up for us.
When you buy a pineapple from the store, cut the green top off, and carefully trim off ALL of the fruit. Then peel off about 1/2 inch of the green leaves on the bottom. You can let the top dry for a few days, or, like I do, put it in a coffee mug of water. I use a coffee mug because the leaves of the pineapple (I guess that is the correct term) will suspend it with the bottom of the plant about halfway into the mug. Keep the mug filled with water, and the pineapple should start rooting. After the plant has a good mass of roots, I plant them. You can start them in a small pot, or you can start them in a pot that will be large enough for them to grow to full sized in (about 18 inches across and the same deep).
Here we peel off ‘about ½ inch’ of the leaves and the drying time is described as ‘a few days’. But this version sounds so much like the first that I suspect that this writer is the first person’s John Divney.
Finally I present John Atlee.
To grow a pineapple select a mature fresh fruit from your local grocery store or market. Grab hold of the entire top set of leaves. Twist hard and it will come out with a bit of stalk. (If the top has been cut off you will need to remove all of the excess fruit flesh. I do not recommend cutting with a knife. Just twist out the top as best you can. Otherwise it will only rot and may kill the whole plant.) Let the leafed stalk dry out for about 5 days. This will seal off any excess openings for disease and decay. Remove about 15-20 of the lower leaves by pulling them downward. They will come off in sort of a spiral fashion. The idea is to bare the stalk. You may notice some roots forming at the base of some of the leaves. These are important so try not to damage them.
At this point I often let the stalk dry for another couple of days but it is not absolutely necessary. I also lightly dust the small roots with a common commercial rooting compound containing a mild fungicide. The most common reason for failure, at this point, is when the stalk is planted it rots rather than roots. Anything you can do to prevent this will be of value.
John advocates twisting the top off rather than cutting it, in fact he say to avoid using a knife altogether. He avoids ‘a couple of days’ and ‘a few days’ and clearly states 5 days, but then hedges his bet by adding ‘another couple of days’. The leaf removal controversy only gets worse with John advocating removing ’15-20 of the lower leaves’. I will not go so far as to call John the de Selby of rooting pineapples at home, but for me he makes the most sense.
In the end, just as two one-legged men tied together can run faster than either can un-tethered, I feel we should combine the approaches above to reach a consensus. But, it is not my decision to make and it is not one that should be made lightly. 700 jobs are already gone, 10,000 more lay in the balance, and the experts cannot even reach a consensus on how to root a pineapple at home! If something is not done fast, the art of growing pineapples will be lost to America’s farmers and the jobs will never return. This is a subject that needs to be brought up in congress at the earliest possible date. Come January will Pelosi empanel a special committee to investigate pineapple growing in America, or will she cave to the DLC and Clintonians who perhaps feel the subject is too controversial so close to 2008 presidential elections? I fear the later.
Sometimes it makes me want to just bash them all with my bicycle pump.