Bush shakes hands with Iraqi Prime Minister Miki al-Browni
Amman, Jordan (Rotters) - Iraqi prime minister, Miki al-Browni stated on Thursday that forces would be in place by July of next year to weather whatever storm of civil war might take place. He praised his own administration for a system of economic levies that they have put in place that should be able to withstand the ravages of even a category five civil war. He pledged also to work towards a "grateful exit for US troops.
Al-Browni met with President Bush to iron out difficulties between the two countries, and perhaps stave off projected shortcomings in support to guard against the storm of war.
"Part of the Prime Minister's frustrations is that he doesn't have the fools necessary to try to take care of those who break the law," stated the president. "we talked today about delegating authority to the Prime Minister, so that he can do what we expect him to do."
Al-Browni insisted that adequate levies were in place in Iraq to hold off a predicted flood of terrorists during a Category 5 civil war
"We agreed on the importance of speeding up the availability of temporary housing for the millions of refugees now in Iraq, and those that might occur with a possible category five civil war," Bush said. "We also pledged forensic support to help the government with identification of the recent increase in bodies found floating in the Tigris and Euphrates."
"He's the right man for the job in Iraq," concluded Bush, "I think you're doing a heck of a job al-Browni."
In a related story, the State Department today released its forcasts for civil wars for the coming year, predicting that it would be a busy season, with over nine named wars. They denied that conditions would likely be in place for war formation in and around Iraq.
THE WEEK IN REVIEW!
12/01/06 Fox News Announces Saturday Morning Cartoon Show for Kids
Fox News' new cartoon character Loofah Bill Liar Pants
New York, NY (Faux News) - Fox news today announced that it was releasing a new cartoon show, which would primarily be directed towards acquiring children as new viewers. Sources stated that the new show would also be recruited into its efforts in their ongoing war on Christmas.
The animated cartoon show will feature the voice of none other than their flagship star Bill O'Reilly as the abrasive "Loofah Bill Liar Pants". Loofah Bill is a curmudgeonly bathroom exfoliatatory accessory who is frequently mistaken for a fried Middle Eastern delicacy. Fox hopes he will be able to indoctrinate children very early into their own peculiar brand of thinking and discourse. Loofah Bill will educate children in the finer arts of prevarication and distortion for fun and profit.
"We really do think we have a winner here," said a Fox News spokesperson. "Coming in the Christmas season, we're looking to make a bundle off the merchandising alone. The first toy we'll be selling is a fully functional "Loofah Bill" doll that should appeal to Democrats and Republicans alike... who wouldn't really appreciate having Loofah Bill to scratch around your privates in the shower."
Fox also stated that as a promotional they would also be including a free copy of O.J. Simpson's book, "If I did It" for those ordering a Loofah Bill for Christmas. "We figure that we've got both the shower and bathroom reading covered."
11/30/06 Jong Il Challenges Bush over Ipods and Segways
Bush to face off with Jong Il over nuclear weapons and Segways?
Pyongyang, North Korea (APE) - Dictator Kim Jong Il today issued a rebuttal and challenge to the Bush administration over its proposed banning of luxury goods and technologies to North Korea that included Ipods, Segways, and fine Cognac. Jong Il issued a statement claiming that President Bush and America were no longer capable of responsibly maintaining and possessing advanced nuclear technologies. He further claimed that Bush and America were incapable of stewarding and using technologies such as the Segway and the I-Pod that they sought to ban from North Korea.
In a heated challenge, Jong Il concluded that he would be willing to face the president in a one-on-one competition with the winner having their way over the nuclear weapon issue. Jong Il proposed that the two should stand off on a prescribed course using Segways and I-Pods. After downing three shots of cognac in rapid succession, the two would attempt to navigate the course on Segways with I-Pods blaring their bootlegged music of choice. The winner would then hold sway over the nuclear proliferation issue.
The White House scoffed at what it called an obvious swipe at the president's abilities, but did not rule out what it thought could possibly be a potential solution. "We have long maintained that the key to the North Korea Issue is multiparty involvement," stated White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. "Perhaps If Kim were to allow others into the race, such as Vladimir Putin, and Hu Jintao, there may be something worth exploring."
Early this morning, President Bush was seen on the south lawn of the White House practicing on the new four wheel prototype Segway Centaur, which is reportedly more stable and easier to handle than its two wheeled cousin. The White House insisted that the president was not injured during the session.
11/29/06 Bush Eases Travel Restrictions on Elbonians
President Bush seen with Elbonian president Bog Oozemuck
Mudd, Elbonia (Rotters) - US President George W. Bush yesterday announced that he would work with Congress and international partners to modify the US visa waiver program. Speaking in the nation's capital of Mudd, this was widely viewed as a concession to the former communist country of Elbonia , a long-standing US ally and a member of the original "coalition of the willing" which supported the invasion of Iraq.
"It's a way to make sure that nations like Elbonia qualify more quickly for the program, and put to good use this country's resources in the ongoing civil w... er... peacekeeping efforts in Iraq." stated Bush.
Elbonia currently maintains a force of five soldiers in Iraq, and has threatened recently to withdraw completely by the end of the year after the loss last year of one of its soldiers. Private Viagra Cialis was killed while off-duty in a makeshift mud bath in Baghdad as the mud suddenly solidified in the arid environment, instantly trapping and suffocating him.
Elbonia is an impoverished former Soviet bloc nation, whose main natural resource is an abundance of mud, the quality of which is known worldwide and prized by spas for its natural rejuvenating qualities. Elbonians are considered experts in the handling and cleaning up of mud, and the White House stated that their continued cooperation and contributions would be crucial in America's ongoing attempts to extricate itself from simultaneous quagmires in Iraq and Afghanistan.
11/27/06 Cheney Makes Surprise Thanksgiving/Hunting Visit to Iraq after Departing Saudi Arabia
Vice President Dick Cheney hunting along the Green Zone in Baghdad
Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - The White House today announced that Vice President Dick Cheney indeed had made a surprise detour visit to Baghdad in support of the troops on the way home from his diplomatic mission this weekend to Saudi Arabia. In a hurried visit, bristling with security, the vice president reportedly presented the troops with the administration's traditional poly-propylene turkey and engaged in some hunting along the Green Zone bordering Sadr City.
"It was a real trifecta for the vice president," stated White House spokesperson Tony Snow. "He was able to do some brass knuckle diplomacy, demonstrate the administration's commitment to the brave US peacekeeping forces in the Civil War in Iraq, and indulge in one of his favorite passions... all in the same trip."
The White House refused to confirm rumors claiming that Mr. Cheney had indeed killed over 50 insurgents and terrorists within the course of two hours. They also vehemently denied reports that surfaced from local authorities that the vice president's kills were as a result of the release of detained suspects from all over Iraq who had been brought in and forcibly released. All bodies were reportedly turned over to local authorities for observation of Muslim burial customs, but the vice president reportedly had some personal effects from each bagged and fresh frozen for shipment back to the US, where he planned to give them as Christmas presents to friends and relatives.
Mr. Cheney joked briefly with the reporter pool, as he climbed aboard Air Force 2 for his return to the United States. "How can you tell the difference between a terrorist and an insurgent?" asked a reporter. "That's a good question," chuckled the vice president. "It's pretty easy, really... terrorists run and insurgents generally stay put... you don't have to lead them as much."