At this point, Christmas will be ignored as far as I'm concerned. I know a lot of people would think I'm being a big wimp, but I am and that's that.
A few weeks ago, my husband and I decided to put to sleep our mini schnauzer of 16-1/2 years. He had been in very bad health for years, muscle-wasted, mostly blind/deaf, but with meds he managed to get around and even do a little bouncy bounce through the yard from time to time. But then, he just started to go down down. I made him some special chicken and rice and he liked that, but he was just withering away. I made the call, really ... I have been the one to clip, bathe, take to the vet, clean teeth, give meds, clip toenails. In other words, I had always taken care of my little Rupert and I felt that it was time to do the right thing by him and let him rest. We did. He left behind his Westie buddy, also 16-1/2 years old, but much healthier in action and appearance and a 9 year toy schauzer that we "inherited" in 2000 from my mother in law.
But then .... this past week, the toy schnauzer - Greta - was sicky ... and I tended and fed special food, syringed fluids into her mouth, and decided that she just wasn't on the mend so took her to the vet Thursday. Her kidneys were failing. A BUN count of 25 is normal and hers was 225, a very toxic baby girl. She's been on IVs for 2 days hoping to kick-start her kidneys but today, the count is still 200. We decided to give her the weekend with continued IVs.
I asked the vet if I could spend some time with her and they let me have a little room. She just wasn't interested in seeing me. At first I thought she was just mad at me, but finally remembered that dogs just like to be left alone when they're sick. I kissed her and petted her, but she was just so miserable. The vet said she was not in pain, but just sick all over tired. One website described renal failure as feeling like the worst hangover of your life which makes sense - all the toxins that the kidneys usually remove are building up. The vet said she may die this weekend. I've told my husband if there's no improvement by Monday, I think we should put her to sleep.
I keep seeing her little face. She's always been such a love bug, cuddler, girl doggie who at 8 lbs would crawl up on my shoulder, curl up, and snooze. I'm prepared, mostly, for losing my Westie, but this loss has got me so down.
It's ridiculous when I think of people who have loved ones sick and on their death beds, kids that are missing or found dead, children who are off in some god-forsaken country fighting strangers and for strangers who don't care about their welfare; people who are attending court watching some creep who killed their loved one sit there all shaved and clean denying his deed even though his DNA is everywhere, or worse yet, sitting there with a loved one who killed someone else's love.
And I'm beside myself with grief over my little dog. I even prayed and I hardly ever pray any more because I've come to realize that everything that I've been taught from my youth is a question now. Is there life after death? Is there a God? If there is a God, is he really like what the Bible describes, or are all those words from man's mind - minds that are concerned about controlling others behaviors? Is this God who supposedly created all of creation going to send people to eternal damnation because they haven't managed to "believe" in someone they can't see, hear, touch, feel ... and they have questioned his very existence, so OFF they go to hell? And according to the Bible, this is the God who made man and then planted him in a place where he was tempted by someone else allowed to be there ... but the kicker, EVERY single person who was born from those two are condemned to separation. Is this fair? Or can I believe that there is a message in the Bible, that can be found among all the other man-made stuff, that God is there, that he does love, and that no one will go to hell, that everyone when they die are instantly changed because they see that they are loved just as they are and when loved, respond with the same unconditional love.
I hope that there is a God ... and I hope he takes care of my little Greta tonight and lets her kidneys start working so she can start to feel better ... or sleep the eternal sleep. She's been such a good little friend ....
If I've done wrong by writing this on this site, please just let me know and I'll delete. I expect no comments ... just wanted to put my pain in writing. The whiskey is beginning to kick in now. Think I'll have another.