Welcome to the last workweek before the holidays, Kossacks. Many of us will be working right up through Friday, maybe even late, to wrap up some important projects. Don't bother. You can slack off completely the next two weeks by looking to a paragon of modern management, the leader of the free world himself, George W. Bush.
People have been asking why bush is waiting until January to release his new "plan" for Iraq. My theory was stalling for more favorable PR timing, a la "You don't release a new product in August." But now that it's Monday, and Christmas is only a week away, it became much clearer to me. In most workplaces around the country pretty much nothing is going to get done this week, because for many people a week-long holiday is coming up, and then the end of the year. January seems like a good time to start things up again, so why bother with wrapping up any loose ends now, at the end of December?
I guarantee that's what your office-mates are thinking. Just look around. So if you're still working on something, like a chump, I'll tell you how to take a cue from our president and make your life easier and happier this week...
After all, who could be a better model for professional success than the most powerful man in the world? He's the guy who is unarguably at the top of the heap. He's the CEO President, remember? And bosses are always suckers for those management books about how to run things just like some big-name CEO. Just tell your boss that you're studying the leadership behaviors of our glorious president. Let's look at those in a little more detail, shall we?
Maybe you have some kind of report sitting on your desk about urgent new directions your organization needs to take in 2007. Well, the president has been there, done that. Right now he's got a report from a team of hotshot consultants that shows his marquee project is in deep weeds, and it has 79 difficult recommendations that ask for implementation soon. Does he let that get him down? Absolutely not! It's been sitting there on his desk for over two weeks, and he hasn't done a damn thing about it. How does he do it? Here's how.
First, bitch about the report. Tell everyone you have a problem with some of the key recommendations, and even some of the key premises, and you'll have a response with your ideas next week. Obviously, there are one or two things that are complete non-starters. Especially that part about talking to those two organizations you can't stand, that's not going to happen, even if you originally said you'd do it if the consultants said so. And that new effort that needs to get underway before December 31? You can just ignore that. Nobody's going to be around anyway. And make sure it's not just you bitching either, get your friends involved. Get them saying this report is just loser talk, it's not sufficiently success-oriented. Get your buddy from the overseas unit to declare that these consultants are going about it all wrong. Quickly grab a few recommendations from the report and find fault with them, but don't drop that as a list, keep them on hand to complain about one at a time whenever someone asks. That way it looks like you're really looking into things and keep identifying more problems. Then, when next week comes you have an excuse for not presenting your response - you've found so many problems it's going to take until January to straighten it all out.
Oh, but don't make it look like you're completely rejecting the thing, you're just considering "all the viewpoints." You'd do well to grab the guy who worked on that report who's known as a major suck-up, and say, "Let me get Bob over here, I'll work with him." If there's any actual work to be done, you can probably talk Bob into doing it, and make sure he comes up with answers you like to boot.
Or, maybe you have a year-end performance appraisal you have to complete, like many people do. Well, screw that. Look at how Bush is handling this on the Iraq thing. Do you hear him talking about objectives? How to measure progress, or align his efforts with benefits for the organization? Of course you don't. For that matter, the ISG report doesn't do this either. And these are all people at the top of the game! Point out to your boss that if your company is still looking at outdated ideas like objectives and metrics, they're way behind the way they do things in Washington.
OK, but what if your company is in trouble, and you have the shareholders breathing down your neck? Relax. Do you see Dubya sweatin' it after the American People voted his party out of control of Congress? No way. Just keep on doing things the same way, and don't listen to anybody who doesn't agree with doing it your way. That's the way to keep plugging along on your own terms. That makes you look like a Decider. Heck, you probably deserve a promotion.
Now, what should you do to actually look busy for the rest of the week? Spend time visiting your friends. Tell everyone these are crucial people you have to consult with before starting anything new. Of course these are the same people who have your back, that's the whole point. And guess what? They won't be doing much of anything before the holidays either, so you're helping them keep their boss of their back too. In reality, you're just going to spend your time socializing, but that's what the holidays are all about, right?
Back at your office, get a few like-minded co-workers and start holding some kind of intense-looking meetings. Say you're having a tag-up, or a pow-wow so that everyone can get up to speed on stuff. But remember, whether you actually talk about work in these things or not, it's crucial that you limit them to only 45 minutes. Per day, preferably. After all, if that the pace the President adopts, with the best minds in the country at his disposal, it must be that this has been shown by numerous studies to be the most effective time period for these kinds of intense heads-together activities.
All of this helps you spend plenty of your time planning and attending lots of holiday parties. If you do it right, you'll have a full schedule from the beginning of December right up through Christmas, and then everyone's off until New Year's anyway. And remember: nobody can argue with a holiday party, so whatever you're doing in this regard effectively trumps all other work.
Well Kossacks, I hope this helps everyone have a happy and very stress-free holiday season for the next two weeks. And remember to tell management that you owe all these charming leader-like behaviors to George W. Bush. They'll eat it up.
Unless your boss is a Democrat, of course. Then you might have to get some actual work done.