Drudge and ABC are both reporting that Santa's naughty list is 31% longer than last year, significantly longer than any year in the past 14 years, and longer than any year in the past century except for the repeal of Prohibition and the first year condoms were mass-produced. The full effect of this phenomenon is not yet known, but this development is expected to send shockwaves through the country.
The coal industry is ecstatic due to the expected increase in the demand for lumps of coal. Consequently, electricity costs have already doubled. When asked why the price of coal has skyrocketed even prior to the first delivery of a lump of coal, an anonymous industry spokesperson said "It's very complicated. Let's see if I can explain it. Anticipation of high demand gives us a half-assed excuse to jack up prices. Since our compaines basically have government-approved monopoly status, there ain't jackshit you can do about it. Any questions?"
However, the airlines are complaining that the list will result in fewer holiday travelers. As a result, they are expected to ask the government and taxpayers to bail them out with a huge surge of cash to compensate their poor, financial management skills. When asked why the government should bail out businesses while simultaneously making it more difficult for consumers to declare bankruptcy (let alone deny consumers a proportional influx of cash to pay their bills), an airline executive said "Bankruptcy is for the rich--not poor folk."
President Bush refuses to comment on the matter, but Tony Snow, the White House Press Secretary, stated "Clearly, in this time of trial, in this war, we're in a war, you know, we need a strong leader, and we're in a war, and the terrorists are sleeping in cells under each of our children's beds, and we should all be very afraid because Nancy Pelosi wants to give the South the teorrists, and in this war, we need a strong leader, and clearly, Santa is punishing America for giving in to those Democrat traitors, or perhaps Santa has turned into a Democrat sissy, but if Santa won't take up the fight, this President will, and that's why we will outlaw every unsupportive act and thought, and hopefully next year, Christmas will be OK again, but in the meantime, don't worry, just go out and buy a big-ticket item like a good, sacrificing, Patriotic American, and that will throw you into bankruptcy, and then next year, your needy kids will be happy to get a lump of coal, and...uh...yeah."
Soon-to-be Speaker Nancy Pelosi responded by saying that the House of Representatives will open 2007 by investigating why rich children in America still get more expensive gifts than poor children and whether the Bush Administration is still using CIA agents as undercover elves to intentionally alter Santa's naughty and nice intelligence data to account for personal financial status and political party affiliation.
Moreover, the FAA has unexpectedly shortened its ban on air travel around Washington, D.C. on December 24. Traditionally, the FAA protects Santa and his reindeer from 11:47-11:58pm around the D.C. area, but the FAA has shortened the timeframe this year to 11:47-11:51pm. An anonymous FAA employee stated that Santa requires less time to dump lumps of coal than he does to stuff stockings with gifts.