[Updated] To All Those Who Have Felt Loss This Season

And in seasons past.

There are thousands upon thousands who have lost loved ones or whose loved ones are suffering through difficult times in their lives. For those people, the holidays bear a heavy weight; that odd dichotomy where one knows there should be joy and laughter, yet tears and sadness prevail. There are hundreds of thousands to whom Christmas and holidays are merely words - ones perhaps known in some distant time or never known at all. To all of you who find tears closer than laughter, sadness closer than joy, know that you're not alone. Know that there are others who feel your pain and loss. Others whom you may never know, but are holding you in their thoughts.

Here is wishing you strength, love, and hope that the future holds a brighter light for you and yours.

Update [2006-12-25 21:18:50 by PatsBard]:: I want to thank all those who have read, recommended, and shared their stories today. There is a quote that says "sorrow shared is lessened". I can say for myself today that that is true. You all have made today much easier to bear and I thank you from the depths of my heart. I only hope that some measure of that comfort found its way to you as well.

•  Just a small diary today to share a few thoughts

  Peace and love to all.

  by PatsBard on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:17:04 AM PDT

  •  Dear PatsBard........

    I know this is an especially hard Christmas for you for a number of reasons.  I've had those kind of Christmases, too.  I know the tightness in the chest, the watching the clock; just wanting it to be over and go away.  My thoughts are with you today - we can hold virtual hands while watch the clock turn ever so slowly.  I will leave you with this and hope it helps:

    Time is too slow for those who wait
    too swift for those who fear
    too long for those who grieve
    too short for those who rejoice
    but for those who love
    time is eternity

    {{{HUGS}}}

    by Cronesense on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:25:11 AM PDT

    •  Super poem, Cronesense!

      Thank you for that!

      And hugs to you, too!

      by BeninSC on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:27:26 AM PDT

  •  Peace and love to you, PatsBard!

    Happy holidays to you and yours! And may 2007 be safe and happy for you!

    by BeninSC on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:26:35 AM PDT

  •  And to you, PatsBard

    May you find a few gleaming moments of peace today that warm your spirit and help to clear the path. If you were nearby, I'd bring you a hot cup of tea and a hug.  

    by bumblebums on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:27:07 AM PDT

  •  Thanks ..

    This is our first Christmas without my mom, who passed in September after a long, ugly decline due to Alzheimer's disease. My dad came down to our house along with my wife's parents, and it's helped us all deal with the loss.

    One thing that helped us a lot was a gift that Dad brought for me. Right after I was born (in 1957) he bought a Bell and Howell 8mm movie camera so he could record my early years. It only lasted a year before it broke, but he shot a thousand feet or so of film while it lasted and managed to preserve about 400 feet of that. He had an online outfit convert it to DVD video and that DVD was my gift. It was great seeing Mom as a young woman .. she always had a tendency to stick out her tongue at us, and we could see that she had that tendency even as a 20 year old girl :) Getting to see the family back then, including both sets of grandparents (also now gone) was great, and helped us to celebrate her life instead of mourning her death.

    Best wished to you, PatsBard, and to everyone else in my Dkos family

    by zeke7237 on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 09:30:52 AM PDT

    •  The best Christmas present.

      How wonderful for your mother to be honored in such a way, to be able to laugh and smile upon her child on Christmas once again through those movies. She must be proud.

      by kck on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 09:59:46 AM PDT

    •  it also says a lot about your dad!

      a very caring parent indeed!

      by stodghie on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 11:43:52 AM PDT

    •  You know, have been thinking of having some film

      converted. This tells me its very very worth it.

      Thank you so much. Deeply appreciated.

      by AllisonInSeattle on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 04:19:42 PM PDT

  •  What a lovely diary PB!

    I hope you can find some comfort in your memories, though the first Christmas is the hardest of all, the absence looms largest...

    It gets better slowly but it's always hard. A grief counselor once told me that "you can't get away from grief, you can't go around it, you have to put on hip boots and wade through it, and eventually you get to the other side."

    I don't know if that sounds trite but the image of putting on hip boots has always helped me to "go through it". I wish you peace in the New Year, PB!

    by vcmvo2 on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 09:50:10 AM PDT

    •  One of the good things about grief

      Is that is comes in waves.  Just when you think you really can't stand the pain anymore, it subsides a bit.  But it really is hard when the lump in your thoat is so huge you can't swallow, and you feel pain radiating from every cell in your body, and the smile that took so much work to force, seems so obvious to you, but no one else seems to notice.

      I've always loved all kinds of music, but after my son died, I noticed I didn't enjoy music any more.  All of it seemed either irrevelant, annoying, or even sacrilegious.  Then one night I turned on the radio, flipped around the dial, and landed on a blues station.  For the first time I understood the blues.  It is music for sad people.  Music so sad people can celebrate life too.  What a gift.    

      by opinionated on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 02:02:16 PM PDT

      •  Agree re waves. A friend told me that years ago

        She said when she was completely sure she was over having her father gone, there came another wave.

        I was glad to be forewarned, and in my experience, that is exactly true.

        by AllisonInSeattle on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 04:21:04 PM PDT

      •  Music is the one thing

        that comforts me. I reconnect with my Dad when I hear Nat King Cole because my father adored him and played him all the time. Even the obscure jazz tunes that he played before he became a well-known vocalist. It was always in the background. After he passed away, I suddenly heard "Autumn Leaves" playing on a radio & I was transfixed. You're exactly right because the wave of grief that hit me almost overwhelmed me. Then I realized I hungered for that connection. I began playing Nat King Cole regularly after that and found I was able to enjoy it. I'm kind of young to always be listening to Nat King Cole & I do get some quizzical glances...

        I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son...

        by vcmvo2 on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 04:41:38 PM PDT

•  When losing a loved one ...

  ... each season has such resonance, each holiday, each birthday, the first year is so difficult.  It doesn't help that here in America death is considered as something we don't talk about, something unnatural.  When losing a loved one the hardest thing, I think, is seeing how life doesn't stop for a moment for the living, there is no break in the rush of life, it seems horrible somehow.

  And so each season we have to live, that first year especially, without our loved one, oh it is hard, we have to remake our world entirely, and no one around us, it seems, can see what we see.

  I join my wish to yours, PatsBard, that all who have lost someone this year find consolation and strength.

  by Nightprowlkitty on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:24:58 AM PDT

  •  Agreed, Npk, that first year

    Seems an unbroken series of "firsts," of things always shared before, and now, no more. But the true unbrokenness resides in our hearts, in our love, and in the hearts of those who have moved into a purer realm of love.

    Thank you for your fine comment, Nightprowlkitty.

    by BeninSC on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:29:33 AM PDT

  •  If I had to die

    in 2001 I'd have wanted it to be in the 9/11 horror so my family wouldn't have to go through just what you describe

    When losing a loved one the hardest thing, I think, is seeing how life doesn't stop for a moment for the living, there is no break in the rush of life, it seems horrible somehow.

    The world acted then the way it always feels like it should when we lose a loved one. Everything halted for a while. TV didn't go on with the usual emtertainment, sports were halted, the country mourned.
    They didn't miss their loved one any less, the world just seemed more aligned with the grief.

    Look how many newly grieving there are noweven from just the deaths in Iraq in the last month. The world doesn't stop to grieve along.

    Every day so many have heart breaking loss, every day. We might read about some in the news, a shooting or accident, some outbreak. We couldn't bear to grieve everything that brings grief to someone somewhere or we would only grieve, yet to those who have lost the world going on seems so unreal.

    My nephew and his wife had twins in mid-November, much wanted and so loved. They came very early. Zacahary died on Thanksgiving. His sister Avery Grace died on Christmas Eve. Their hearts are broken but life goes on as life must go on.

    This diary is lovely, includes them and all who grieve in

    Here is wishing you strength, love, and hope that the future holds a brighter light for you and yours.

    Thirty years ago yesterday my son's father died and so I think especially of grieving children and the ache of the parents who can not console them.

    Though more unimaginable is the grieving parents who had life turned out of order as they grieve their child.

    Yet life goes on as life must go on.

    by joynow on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 10:05:43 AM PDT

    •  Unbelievably difficult for your nephew and neice

      My goodness. Difficult to imagine.

      by AllisonInSeattle on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 04:26:19 PM PDT

  •  The second year is no easier

    at least not for me.

    He was my partner, my lover, the father of my children and my best friend.

    And this morning, the kitten who grew into his special, sweet, gentle cat died. And the pain crashes over my soul once again.

    It's not always easy to put one foot in front of the other, but I do because I have no choice.

    May we all find peace.

    by witchamakallit on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 04:14:12 PM PDT

    •  Wow. I'm so sorry

      Strangely enough, AllisonInSeattle's cat died today too (way down at the bottom of the diary). Maybe they're playing together somewhere....

      by PatsBard on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 04:22:15 PM PDT

    •  My goodness, my cat just

      died. Within the last hour. The last thing I expected to see was someone else saying the same thing.

      by AllisonInSeattle on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 04:24:07 PM PDT

      •  Hugs to you AllisonInSeattle

        We picked her out from they myraid of kittens at our local animal shelter in 1997. She had a special kinship from the very start with my husband.

        During the 5+ years he fought an extremely rare cancer she was his gentle companion. I like to think she's giften him with her presence this Christmas.

        by witchamakallit on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 05:01:58 PM PDT

        •  I have to tell you,

          I figured if I adopted a dysfunctional cat (obese), (muttering to self all the way through the paperwork), and he started dying 3 weeks later... It must be about allowing him to die in an atmosphere of love.

          The vet said one option was taking him back to be euthanized by the Humane Society. Didn't seem right. But at the last, I really had a hard time of it. Last night he started hallucinating, and growling at me. Then he started seizures. I got to hold him through two. Wasn't there when he went, but had been quite recently.
          --

          I totally agree with you about your kitty going to comfort your husband again. Now a "match made in heaven", is complete.

          by AllisonInSeattle on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:55:56 PM PDT

      •  Thinking of you, Allison.

        They don't have to be with us long to take up residence in our hearts. My beloved cat, 19, is reaching the end of her time, so I am feeling this very intensely, myself.

        Some may say they are "only" animals, but the purity of their love makes that irrelevant. Please take good care of yourself in this time.

        by BeninSC on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:37:35 PM PDT

        •  Thanks so very much

          Not to be too realistic about it, but now have to dig the grave. And follow through with that. I do think that helps with the grief.

          Your kind words are appreciated. I know you will comfort your cat till the last, and find a way to make it through.

          by AllisonInSeattle on Tue Dec 26, 2006 at 01:43:46 PM PDT

    •  No, not easier ...

      ... at all.  And I am so sorry for your loss.

      There is no time limit for grief, and it is cruel for anyone to say there is.

      I wish you peace as well, witchamakallit, and consolation in your grief.

      by Nightprowlkitty on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 06:09:18 PM PDT

    •  My Mom asked my cat, before her death,

      To watch out for me. My Mom died in 2000, and this little being has been with me, and looking out for me, for 19 years. She is still with me, but very weak, and it seems every day is a gift.

      I can well understand the power of the connection your cat represented.

      Peace to you, witcha.

      by BeninSC on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:40:31 PM PDT

      •  oh, that is sweet...

        now you take care of and watch over each other.

        Bless you, Ben.

        by Pandoras Box on Tue Dec 26, 2006 at 06:10:49 AM PDT

  •  There's something to be learned

    from the Jewish tradition of commemorating Yarzheit, that is, the anniversary of the death of a loved one.  It truly takes a full turn of the seasons to begin to put such a loss into perspective.

    by marykk on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 04:17:45 PM PDT

    •  hunh...I never knew about this

      yes, I think we push the rituals of death away too quickly sometimes...

      by Pandoras Box on Tue Dec 26, 2006 at 06:12:10 AM PDT

•  .

  

  by melvin on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:27:10 AM PDT

•  Santa'snot just for humans.....

  

  by PatsBard on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:38:34 AM PDT

  •  heh

    you said snot... made me smile...

    by paddykraska on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:23:45 AM PDT

    •  So much for my serious diary, eh?

      ;)

      It made me smile too. Of all the typos...... <laughing>

      by PatsBard on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:35:13 AM PDT

      •  always take smiles and laughter

        where and when you find them!

        love to you patsbard- and to all.

        the sadness never goes away - so i learned to redirect the energy - if someone is asking for change, i give as much as i can to watch the surprise and smile from someone who has no hope.

        if i have no money, i give smiles and best wishes for brighter days.

        i spend quit time alone listening to christmas carols and singing at the top of my lungs - remembering olden days when we did this together.

        but most of all, i spend time remembering - and laughing at memories of christmas that was, accepting that christmas that is and will come can be a little warmer through those memories.

        by edrie on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 09:30:28 AM PDT

  •  Oh, P'sB...

    Your big guy on the right looks SO much like our sweet friend, Flats.  He was 16 years old and we lost him a little over a month ago.

    A couple of weeks before we lost Flats, we unexpectedly found that we had a new family member - Eli, the dachsund puppy.  Eli's unplanned arrival was providential. The jingle of his tags, and his demand to be included in every single minute of our lives, has added joy to what otherwise would have been a sad and deafening silence in our home.

    by 417els on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 11:10:41 AM PDT

    •  That's one of the reasons we bought Chi Chi

      (the Corgi). Butch is getting on up there in age. I think Chi Chi helps keep him young - well, now that we got her to stop nipping at his ankles in a vain attempt at herding him. LOL

      We found him outside a restaurant with a bad case of demodectic mange (recurring, unfortunately - we just try to keep it under control). The vet estimated him at 2 yrs old then, so he's about 13 now. Best dog we've ever had...we call him the Old Gentleman.

      by PatsBard on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 11:19:20 AM PDT

•  The holidays are always bittersweet

  because loss cannot be separated from life itself.

  I've been active for many years in my local community hospice and each year we have an event called "Light Up a Life," which allows families who are grieving to memorialize their loved ones before the holidays.  We usually have it just after Thanksgiving.  It seems to help with the healing and allow families to move into the holidays without feeling so abandoned.

  It's tough, but you are not alone.  Many blessings to you.

  by Radiowalla on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:43:34 AM PDT

•  Each season...

  ..after a loss can become an opportunity to create new memories to help put loss into perspective; the loss and its pain never goes away, but seasoned with additions, the holiday season becomes more of a celebration.
   Blessings of the season to you, PatsBard - and may 2007 bring you health and progress.

  by drchelo on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:43:45 AM PDT

•  *

  

  ```
  peace
  
  

  by peace voter on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:50:06 AM PDT

•  My loss took place several years ago

  I recommend Compassionate Friends for anyone who has lost a child (including through miscarriage). They have helped me through many a Sad Season. I always try to balance this time with a tear and a smile:

  ...I would not have the tears that sadness makes
  to flow from my every part turn into laughter.
  I would that my life remain a tear and a smile.

  ...A tear to unite me with those of broken heart;
  a smile to be a sign of my joy in existence...

  I want the hunger for love and beauty to be in the
  depths of my spirit, for I have seen those who are
  satisfied the most wretched of people.
  I have heard the sigh of those in yearning and longing,
  and it is sweeter than the sweetest melody.

  Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)

  by SisTwo on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:03:07 AM PDT

  •  Love

    I lost my baby son Lucas shortly before Christmas in 1993. The loss has been alive in me ever since and will always.

    This Christmas I celebrated with 3 beautiful, healthy little sisters, now 3, 4, and 5,  adopted from an unexpected, unsought, emergency foster care placement, shortly before Christmas 3 years ago. I frequently wonder how we came to be a family... I am humbled, undeserving, and devoted to them. Had my son lived on these girls, my daughters now, surely would not be here, and they would not be together. We were the only couple able to take all 3.

    With all of the preparations and excitment, I hadn't thought of Lucas today until this thread...I'm so thankful that I had the unusual ability to say, "Yes" to these beautiful girls, to flow somehow forward in love, and to honor Lucas in this way.

    Thanks folks.  

    by kck on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 10:17:35 AM PDT

    •  KCK

      as an adoptive parent, I'll let you in on a little secret.  It takes as long as it takes, but everybody gets the right ones. That doesn't mean there won't be challenges, but your ability to say "yes" to someone else has opened a whole new series of doors for you.

      by marykk on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 04:21:41 PM PDT

      •  Thank you for the encouragement.

        Yes, I never thought about before but it is a series of doors, you're right. Thanks.

        by kck on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:45:06 PM PDT

        •  Drop a line any time

          I'm happy to offer a kind word where I can.

          by marykk on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 09:10:59 PM PDT

  •  I'd recommend "The Christmas Box."

    It's a beautiful book. There are three in the storyline now, but that's the first and stands alone well. (Actually, they all seem to, but the first is the best.)

    Never, never brave me, nor my fury tempt:
      Downy wings, but wroth they beat;
    Tempest even in reason's seat.

    by GreyHawk on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 10:24:22 PM PDT

•  peace

  the firsts are so hard, and  the anniversaries.  This is my first Christmas since my 13 yr old son passed.  I miss him with every fiber of my being.

  Last Christmas was the first without my mom, she loved Christmas so much.  It will never be the same without her.

  5 years ago, the first without my husband, who died at age 41.  

  Sometimes it is really hard to see all of those around you living as if everything is great, when you are aching.

  Time is the only thing that helps, but the pain is never very far away.

  Peace to everyone who is missing someone special...

  by whitewidow on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:06:07 AM PDT

  •  I just said a prayer for you. nt

    by St Louis Woman on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:31:44 AM PDT

    •  thank you n/t

      by whitewidow on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 09:07:09 AM PDT

      •  Thank you,

        ww.

        My loss seems minor, compared to yours.

        If I need help in the future, I can go back to this, and maybe gain strength from your strength.

        by bigjacbigjacbigjac on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 02:46:42 PM PDT

  •  God bless you, whitewidow.

    I'll be praying for you all day, that you feel his arms holding you. Amen.

    by kck on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 10:21:17 AM PDT

  •  be gentle with yourself

    It's hard to lose people so close -- and so close together. My mom had lost both parents and a son within 3 years, before she was 45. It takes a while to build new memories and the old are so bittersweet. Bless you and take good care of yourself.

    by musicsleuth on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 01:52:38 PM PDT

•  Peace, PatsBard. And warm wishes for the

  New Year and the new Congress. Glad to see that Santa was good to your pooches. He visited my pooties too.

  by blue jersey mom on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:07:02 AM PDT

•  this one helps me sometimes

  When I am dead
  Cry for me a little
  Think of me sometimes
  But not too much.
  Think of me now and again
  As I was in life
  At some moments it's pleasant to recall
  But not for long.
  Leave me in peace
  And I shall leave you in peace
  And while you live
  Let your thoughts be with the living.

  Traditional Native American Prayer

  by whitewidow on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:09:05 AM PDT

•  Yesterday was the third anniversary

  of my brother unexpectedly dying.
   I used to get all slap happy and decorate, but not any more. Maybe again someday, but not yet.

   I wish everyone the spirit of the season, all year long. Enjoy those you love every day, give of yourself and your spirit every day. Not just 1 1/2 days a year.

  by paddykraska on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:22:23 AM PDT

  •  I'm so sorry for you.

    My brother lives in the same town as you and has been missing 7 weeks (see below).

    The local cops have been pretty worthless.  Have you seen it in the Tribune or on TV?

    by hoosierspud on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 07:16:21 PM PDT

•  Thanks patsbard. My family had a rough year.

  I lost my sister last February to liver disease. And this past November 22 my Dad died - he was eighty seven and lived a long and full life, but he had to go on my Mom's 85th birthday, the day before Thanksgiving. I do think losing my sister was a tremendous blow to my Dad. It was the hardest thing I've ever done telling him and my Mom that my Sis was gone. This is our first Christmas without them. Just a few minutes ago, as the morning of gifts and breakfast was winding down, I thought, "Gosh I really miss my Daddy." And of course, I'll never get over the loss on my dear sister.

  To all of you mourning loved ones on this day, my heart grieves with you. Love and pleasant memories for us all!

  by semiot on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:29:27 AM PDT

  •  I empathize

    That year my dad had died in June, my mom was hit with a bad stroke and then my brother died.

    Christmas morning my little brother and I had to go to the rehab facility where my mom was all dressed up and ready to go to my brother who dieds' house for Christmas, and tell her. It was surreal. Still is.

    by paddykraska on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:45:04 AM PDT

    •  Part of a song

      that's spoken to me since my mom died.

      The Pretenders, Hymn to Her

      AND SHE WILL ALWAYS CARRY ON
      SOMETHING IS LOST
      BUT SOMETHING IS FOUND
      THEY WILL KEEP ON SPEAKING HER NAME
      SOME THINGS CHANGE
      SOME STAY THE SAME

      Not sure of the context, but when you throw in Chrissie singing acapella, well it's just incredible.

      by paddykraska on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 09:36:41 AM PDT

  •  My Dad

    went on my Mom's birthday as well.  5 years ago.  and I still miss him.  Peace.

    by marykk on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 04:23:37 PM PDT

•  PB, I don't know the circumstances of your loss

  but I am truly sorry .

  I appreciate this diary--it is important to remember people who are grieving during the holiday season.  My son died on Election Day in November in 1998.  I clearly remember Christmas day that year was the worst day that I have ever lived through--worse even than the day he was taken from me since our bodies seem to numb us with adrenaline in those situations.

  I've never told anyone this (now I'm telling a hundred thousand people!) but now every Christmas, I write a note to people that I know who lost a loved one during the year and speak directly about their loss in the note.  It's one of the ways that I've tried to create positive outcomes from the loss of my boy.

  Okay--here's something funny.  You think you're over these losses and yesterday morning I was headed to Target to buy some last minute gifts, I was hungry and got into the drive-thru at McDonald's.  While sitting there I burst into tears--completely unexpected!  I scolded myself--good God, get over it blah blah.  And then thought, I am crying because I'm about to eat McDonald's!!!

  by St Louis Woman on Mon Dec 25, 2006 at 08:40:25 AM PDT

  •  My oldest brother and sister died on Sept 19th