Circling Hell- Me, Cheney and the IRS

Did you ever wonder what else was in the Energy Policy Act of 2005, other than slushy deals for all of Cheney’s oil company pals? Maybe this was the year that you decided to add attic insulation or geothermal heat or solar panels or solar water heaters or something equally earth conscious to your home.  Guess what? If you did, there’s a tax credit in that bill for you, but getting information about the credit is harder than you might think.

Me? I just hit two full hours of wading through the special circle of hell that is the IRS Help Line, eternally stuck listening to Swan Lake.  I was hearing the version with that ugly duckling chasing his much cuter swan siblings through the Warner Brothers pond...

"We apologize for the delay. Your calls are answered in the order in which they are received. The next available customer service representative will be with you as soon as possible. PLEASE do NOT hang up.."

This year, I really wanted to get a jump on filing federal tax forms so I decided to be proactive in getting the forms in early and getting them done right.  The last couple of years, the IRS and I have not been good buddies, since they decided I can’t do math and they couldn’t be bothered to let me know that until months after I had mentally spent that elusive refund.

"Our representatives are still helping other customers- please continue to hold..."

BEEP, beep-beep!  HUMAN!!!

"Yes! You can direct my call! I need to know how to find a form that may still be a draft for the new Non-business Energy Property Credit, Miss Mazatozzi...Yes, I can hold..."

(More Swan Lake now...the part where the mama swan lifts the branch and discovers only bubbles...)

My tax headache started with that $300 tax rebate we got from the repugs a few years ago...was it a credit? A refund? A pain in the ass? Yes!!! That’s it- it was a royal pain in the ass.  Of course, nobody really knew what the hell to call it, but in the end the primary influence this stupid check had was to royally screw up my tax returns for the next couple of years.  You see, when you file the 1040, there’s this line where they ask you to use figures from your previous year’s tax return. So, when the IRS decides that you can’t frigging add and your tax return from the previous year gets disputed by the giant tax calculator machine thingy- your numbers aren’t any good, thus throwing off your calculations for the next year, and the next year, and the next...but I am now determined to break the vicious IRS circle jerk.

"Our representatives are still helping other customers- please continue to hold..."

(Crazy strings sawing their way through Haydn, I think- who knows?  I’m hanging up now to take another run at the first menu...)

I was very proud of myself for successfully navigating the IRS web site and discovering that they would actually mail you your tax records from previous years. But here’s the trick- if you want an actual copy of what you mailed in, they will charge you for it, and it will be the wrong thing AND it will take a long time. If you just want a copy of what you actually need, their giant tax calculator machine thingy has the numbers they used right in its hot little memory banks- and those printouts are free! Now, I’m totally thinking that I can jump right in and file in January. After successfully getting the IRS to send me the records that I needed, for free, maybe I got a little cocky.

"If you know the Publication or Form you need- Press 1"

(...we're getting something classic from Diehard now...)

In late breaking news, I can proudly announce that for Christmas I got the gift of a fully insulated attic, complete with holiday installation on Christmas Day (with no major injuries).  Even better? We saved the insulation purchase receipts, so I could claim the credit for energy efficiency improvements. Still thinking I would get ready to jump right on my tax return in a couple of weeks, I go online and start trying to find out just what I needed to do to get that credit.  

"BEEP- beep, beep!!! HUMAN!!!

"What kind of credit is it? An energy credit? Oh, the website will have that form- they get them way before we do..It’s for a business, right? It's not? Oh, that puts your question over in Advanced Tax Law- hold on"...

(...more Swan Lake again...)

But here’s where we get back to Cheney’s buddies in the energy industry. The applicable tax laws were changed as part of the gigantic and mysterious Energy Policy Act of 2005. Naturally, it takes a while for the IRS to catch up with the forms needed to process the credit, especially the piddly 10% credits that homeowners are eligible to receive. (I wonder if the Oil Industry's kickbacks- I mean- royalty credits, are still without IRS rules.) The IRS did a press release for this energy credit program early this year. That press release gave me enough clues to track down the magical Form that I need to take the credit, or so I thought.  

"Our representatives are still helping other customers- please continue to hold..."

The draft form, located through great websurfing aggravation at the IRS website, just went live in August 2006 at this linky.  Unfortunately, there’s no way to tell whether or if it’s going to be ready to use for 2006 tax filings without emailing the IRS and asking them. Since that really didn't seem practical, I thought I would just try and call the handy IRS Help Line to find out whether there was any chance of actually getting the credit I’m entitled to in time to file my taxes early in 2007, as planned.  

That’s how I got stuck in Kill the Wabbit's Classic Hits, eternally on hold in the IRS Help Line.  The bad news? The phone cord won’t reach the bathroom. Who knew I needed to be in top bladder form to make it through one frigging phone call to the IRS? Hanging up again to make a quick potty run and make popcorn...

"For our Business and Specialty Tax Line...Press 3.."

BEEP- beep, beep!!! HUMAN!!!!

"Hi, I’m looking for information about the Non-business Energy Property Credit, which is already in effect but doesn’t have a form yet."  

"OK, I’m transferring you to a tax law representative right now."

"Our representatives are still helping other customers- please continue to hold.." Beep-BEEP!! "Please wait..."

Thank god I made popcorn.

Beeeeeeppp! Beep, beep, beep-- HUMAN!!!

"Hi my name is Jennifer...Okay, I think I understand your question- which is what you should do to get the credit for 2006 if the draft form is not ready for filing. Please hold on, let me see what I can find out for you..."

So if you've stayed with me this far, here's the scoop from sweet Jennifer, the tax law specialist with the bizarrely long IRS ID number. The magical IRS Form needed to claim the credit is not ready for public release.

Says the perky Jennifer-"Until the form is ready, the credit cannot be claimed."  

Gee- ya think???

So after two hours, I learned absolutely nothing that I didn't know already. Dear, dear Jennifer suggested that I email "them" for the updated release date for the Form, which is exactly what seemed really useless to me BEFORE I spent two hours in this special little IRS circle of hell.

According to my pal Jennifer, there's no telling when the Form will be ready- maybe in time for the January 12, 2007 kick-off of the filing season, but probably not. Last tax season, there were forms delayed until March. As the polite and oh-so-informative Jennifer says "It will be ready to file by April 15, but I certainly hope it's available sooner. But I don't know when. The president just signed changes to the law on December 20, so it could be a while."

Proof positive that sometime on December 20, W stopped saluting and put down Barney the Dog just long enough to scribble his name on something that could aggravate the crap out of me (and now explains the shooting pain in my ass that I experienced last Wednesday...)

The moral of this story was supposed to be that you should all rush out and make those energy conservation improvements that you've been putting off.  But, since you've got until the end of 2007 to get those improvements into service, maybe you should wait for the magical Form 5695 to appear out of the IRS ether.

Warmly yours-
histopresto

•  Tips (and alleve for aching knees) are welcome

  It's all Cheney' fault.

  by histopresto on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 02:10:20 PM PDT

  •  Go ahead and file your return

    and then file an amended return when the form comes out.  

    by Grannus on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 02:30:54 PM PDT

    •  That's eminently practical.

      I will simply seal my receipts in a mayonnaise jar and store them in the attic, with my pretty new pink insulation. That way, it will be much harder to lose them.

      by histopresto on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 02:33:31 PM PDT

      •  Pink insulation

        is sooo last year.

        by Grannus on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 02:40:19 PM PDT

        •  I kept hearing the Psychedelic Furs up there

          Pretty in pink
          Isn't she?
          Pretty in pink
          Isn't she?

          Over and over again...it was a long afternoon.

          by histopresto on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 03:18:53 PM PDT

          •  Think about the horror

            of the IRS using that as their Muzak. :-)

            by Grannus on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 04:07:24 PM PDT

•  You need to add a poll question ...

  "Use tax preparation software"

  They provide forms, check your addition and help you keep track of refunds and credits. Rarely do I have to call the IRS and in over 30 years of doing my own taxes I have never had a problem. [knock on wood]

  Also see a refund on telephone excise taxes.

  by ohiolibrarian on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 02:29:29 PM PDT

  •  You will be glad to know...

    ...that there's a special menu item at IRS hell devoted entirely to answering questions about the telephone excise tax.  Of course, there's no telling how long you will wait, but it goes to show that they are thinking of you.

    by histopresto on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 02:31:19 PM PDT

    •  Been wondering how I was gonna claim that

      Anybody already been thru the hassle and willing to share the info?

      by UneasyOne on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 04:03:04 PM PDT

      •  There's a std deduction

        You can either take that or go through (I kid you not) 41 months of phone bills and figure out how much of the excise taxes you paid was for the long distance part of your bills. Ack!

        Linky

        by histopresto on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 04:22:30 PM PDT

        •  No thankee - but thank YOU for the info n/t

          by UneasyOne on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 04:45:20 PM PDT

•  Deadeye Dick

   m

  by erectus on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 03:15:05 PM PDT

•  the IRS

  Has had a fucking stick stuck in me for months over what they claim is $985 owed but I have proof of not owing (which is an actual letter they wrote me) but since the left arm doesn't know what the right hand is doing there, I have been unable to make it go away.

  Hours and hours on the phone with them and still no resolution. Representatives on the phone have been useless.  I've been at my wits end over it.

  by tvb on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 05:05:20 PM PDT

  •  That sounds just horrible

    How they expect people to come up with records that satisfy standards that they can't explain to you is just baffling.

    by histopresto on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 05:17:59 PM PDT

    •  even worse

      It was paid off though liens and seizures.  The total amount was much higher. I have proof that the entire lien was settled through their seizures but since I can't produce a cancelled check they won't reconcile their records.

      by tvb on Wed Dec 27, 2006 at 08:26:12 PM PDT