Many of us fear what might happen if Dick Cheney ever became President. What is often overlooked is the day that Mr. Cheney was made Acting President, which is not the same thing as George Bush acting as a president.
Since the adoption of the 25th Amendment, only twice has a President handed over the reins of the country to the Vice President, and both times a George Bush was involved, and a colonoscopy was the reason.
The first time the 25th Amendment was invoked was 13 July 1985, when President Ronald Reagan transfered power to his Vice President, George H. W. Bush. Reagan was about to undergo surgery to remove a precancerous tumor discovered during a colonoscopy performed the previous day. Acting President Bush served for just under eight hours, an honest day's work. This would prove good training for his first and only term as the 41st President of the USA.
The second time the US Government witnessed the transfer of power occurred on 29 June 2002, when President George W. Bush underwent a colonoscopy under light sedation, and Vice President Richard Bruce Cheney was named Acting President. Cheney served from 7:09 a.m. to 9:24 a.m. Little is known about the events of that two hour and fifteen minute period, but through the Freedom of Information Act, I have uncovered a log kept by Acting President Cheney that details his actions that morning.
What follows is the complete transcript of his handwritten notes:
07:04 What is taking him so long?
07:09 Finally, I occupy the highest office in the land. I know I don't have long, so I need to get right down to business.
07:15 Emergency meeting called with Rumsfeld to discuss plans to invade Iran. He felt we did not have sufficient time to launch a successful invasion of Iran. He suggests we wait until 43 requires full anesthetic. I gently suggest we sabotage 43's bike so he has an "accident" requiring surgery. Rumsfeld departs.
07:20 I wish I had Rumsfeld's hair. Damn, it's a glorious head of hair.
07:25 Call placed to Senator McCain. No answer. Left voicemail, signed off as Acting President. If I could, I'd laugh.
07:40 Seated in the Oval Office at The Desk. I discover a document in the top left drawer, photos of world leaders with names spelled phonetically, arrows pointing to their countries, also spelled phonetically.
07:42 Nintendo Gameboy found in the same drawer. I take it.
07:49 Check stock portfolio online. Not happy with Halliburton performance. Call Rumsfeld to prod him about Iran. He still won't budge. Damn him and his hair. During Ford Administration, had to tolerate his jokes about my comb-over.
08:01 Intern asks if I want some coffee. Tell her no, but can't help but think about whether 42 would have hit on her. Still can't get over his taste in women.
08:25 Got lost reading the NY Post. Why it's here, I don't know. Damn fine paper. That Murdoch does things right.
08:37 Take a call from Powell. He asks me what Rumsfeld's up to. I feign ignorance. He warns me to not get itchy while 43 is out. I tell him to go to hell.
08:42 Powell calls back. I swear he's sobbing. Insists I take it back. I hang up. If I could, I'd laugh hard.
08:49 Time for a stroll through the White House. Time to enjoy this while I have it.
08:52 Run into Condi. No wonder she's still single.
09:03 Spending a private moment in the Rose Garden. I hate flowers.
09:11 Have to lay off the bran muffins. That was a rough one.
09:14 I'm told that 43 is coming around. Damn it.
09:24 It's over. 43 has sent the letter. I'm back to VP. Consider calling Rumsfeld to stop the bike op, but decide to let him run with it.
09:27 43 called. Knows about the bike. Rumsfeld ratted me out. Bastard.