Over at Huffington Post I saw
this little missive from Mr. Too Ugly To Appear on TV Before 11 PM:
As I watch so much of the world ask Israel for restraint in a way no other country would (Can you imagine what Bush would do if a terrorist organization took over Canada and was lobbing missiles into Montana, Maine and Illinois?) - and, by the way, does anyone ever ask Hezbollah forrestraint. you know, like, please stop firing your rockets aimed PURPOSEFULLY at civilians? - it strikes me that the world IS Mel Gibson. Most of the time, the anti-semitism is under control, but that demon lives inside and when the moon is full, or there's been enough alcohol consumed,or Israel is forced to kill people in its own defense, then it comes out.
Now, there's so much to debate here - would the world really look so fetching in a kilt or be such a God-awful director? - but I want to focus on the "if Canada were bombing us" meme.
This is far from the first time I've heard this little analogy, and I have to say I think it reveals a little bit about your psyche down there. Whether we're corrupting you with our dangerous Soviet Kanuckistani ideologies or sending terrorists to you through the porous Ontario-Vermont border, every time you send a thought our way it seems to be of the purplish-black variety. Oh, don't get me wrong, like a teenaged victim of unrequited love, we just like knowing you're thinking of us at all...
But the analogy is telling. All good analogies are, more by what they omit than by what they include. To whit:
WOLF BLITZER: ....And as a result sponges are no longer being used to plug the holes in the levies of New Orleans....This just in....this is breaking news....a huge explosion has occurred in downtown Buffalo. Reports are coming that a building in Buffalo....in Buffalo has been hit...very preliminary reports suggest that this was a bomb or....or some kind of missle.
...
BLITZER: It now seems...yes, we can now confirm that missles have hit locations in New York, Ohio and Illinois, all apparently lauched by terrorists from within Canada.
We can now confirm it as a fact: terrorists from Canada just up and attacked us.
...
BLITZER: We're joined by John Roberts from Cleveland, Ohio. John, can you describe the scene?
JOHN ROBERTS: Well, Wolf, several hours ago ten missiles landed in Cleveland, causing an unknown number of civilian casualties. Certainly, people here are scared and angry - but mostly, Wolf people are confused and surprised.
BLITZER: Why confused, John?
ROBERTS: Well, as you know Wolf, Canadian terrorists just up and attacked us. There's possible motive or explanation for why they would do so. This came out of nowhere.
...
BLITZER: We're joined by Christiane Amanpour from Toronto. Christiane, I think the question on all our minds is, why would Canadian terrorists do this? Can you provide us with a little context?
CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR: No, Wolf, I can't.
BLITZER: No?
AMANPOUR: No, sorry, there just isn't any context to provide. This attack came out of absolutely nowhere.
BLITZER: Now, Christiane, you're not just saying that to avoid sounding like you're providing an excuse for terrorism, are you?
AMANPOUR: No, Wolf. We all know an explanation isn't the same thing as an excuse. What I'm saying is, there's no possible explanation for this. There's no history or context here. There's no reason why anyone in Canada would want to attack us.
BLITZER: So, the United States isn't, say, occupying Canadian land?
AMANPOUR: No.
BLITZER: Canada hasn't been is a recent military conflict with the United States, has it?
AMANPOUR: Not since the early 19th century, Wolf. Canada and the US have been allies for the more than a century.
BLITZER: Is there a religious conflict here? Do Canadians consider themselves in league with a religious minority that we, here in the States, aren't treating particularly well?
AMANPOUR: No Wolf. The majority of Canadians are Christians. There are many Canadian expats in the States, but their biggest resentment seems to be that nobody with a Canadian accent will ever be heard to say "aboot".
BLITZER: Any long-standing economic, political or cultural issues?
AMANPOUR: Aside from the occasional tiff about softwood lumber, no, Wolf.
BLITZER: Is the Canadian population prosperous? Have they suffered any recent lengthy civil conflict which might make their society more susceptible to the lure of terrorism?
AMANPOUR: No, Blitz. Well, sorry, that's not right - the NHL strike a year back was very tough on the Canadian population, but most agree they've bounced back admirably.
BLITZER: Is overcrowding or over-population an issue?
AMANPOUR: Of course not! Canada's huge! All you need is a sturdy parka and you can have all the space you need.
BLITZER: What about the Canadian state itself? Is it stable? Is its government beholden to any hostile foreign powers?
AMANPOUR: Oh, you hear the occasional separatist flatulence out of Alberta and Quebec, but nothing serious, Wolf.
BLITZER: So, what you're saying, Christiane, is that there's no possible motivation or explanation or context you can provide to tell us why these terrorists did what they did.
AMANPOUR: That's right, Wolf. There's simply no history to report on here. Canadian terrorists just up and attacked us.
...
BLIZTER: John, you're now standing in the ruins of downtown Toronto. US air strikes have been continuing for two weeks now in an effort to root out the Canadian terrorists once and for all. There have been many civilian casualties, John, and there's growing international pressure for the US to call a ceasefire to at least allow civilians to make their way to something resembling safety. At the same time the Canadian terrorists seem unbowed. International pressure is growing, John; is there any sense that the US is going to back down?
ROBERTS: No, Wolf. You need to remember: there aren't any shades of gray in this situation. Canadian terrorists up and attacked us. And we're going to bomb the living shit out of them to make sure they never up and attack us again.
...
That sounds about right. Goodnight from the tropical heat of Toronto.