Think you've got stress in your life? Try being secretary of state for a major world power.
So put down that power bar and step up to the plate and see how Condi stays in shape, lowers her blood pressure and tries to keep us out of war with her patented Rice Power Flow and Scheduling RegimenTM.
4:30 a.m. - rise and shine, and give God his glory, glory
4:45 a.m. - 30 minutes on the treadmill set to the "democracy on the march" setting
5:15 a.m. - have hair attached to head
a la Darth Vader's helmet
5:20 a.m. - core workout concentrating on abs, lower back, and upper conscience
6:00 a.m. - lather, rinse, repeat if necessary
6:30 a.m. - "personal fulfillment" exercise #1, in which you keep telling yourself that you're a strong, independent black woman who can make up her own mind over and over again
6:45 a.m. - arrive at office where assistant has filled your "Freedom, Inc!" coffee mug to the rim with Brim
TM (decaf only, please!)
7:00 a.m. - get lied to by a Rumsfeld senior staffer
7:20 a.m. - pass on lie to Tony Snow
7:45 a.m. - go over "Things to Misinterpret to the World" list with assistant while running in place
8:15 a.m. - yogic Pilates
8:30 a.m. - quick trip to Iran to "smooth things over" between them and China
1:45 p.m. - short nap while listening your "stories" on the TV set
2:15 p.m. - go over some briefs (or boxers!?) with "The Prez"
2:16 p.m. - thorough stretching while you sob quietly in your office with the door closed realizing we've invaded a sovereign nation without proper cause and even less oil for food
3:00 p.m. - jog 9 miles around the Washington Monument as if you're actually running from something (i.e., "from yourself")
4:15 p.m. - deceive the media in a "press conference cool-down"
5:00 p.m. - light snack of fresh fruit, yogurt and international human rights
5:20 p.m. - "personal fulfillment" exercise #2, in which you keep telling yourself that you're a strong, independent white man trapped inside the body of robot
5:50 p.m. - 3 words:
Step Class and Warfare Procurement Session!
6:45 p.m. -
Cultural and Diplomatic Attache Slide Show Presentation
7:30 p.m. - Body Pump
TM while working on your "We have no plans to invade Syria at this time yet that you know of" speech for the press corps(e)
8:15 p.m. - dinner with "S"
9:30 p.m. - Penis Pump
TM
9:35 p.m. - Nordic Track
TM while working on your "We have no plans to bomb North Korea at this time yet that you know of" speech for the press corps(e)
10:00 p.m - "personal fulfillment" exercise #3, in which you keep telling yourself that you're a strong, independent robot trapped inside the body of a black&white sexless she-man
10:20 p.m. - chamomile tea in your "If I act like I care, take my temperature!" mug
10:30 p.m. - more uncontrollable sobbing while channel surfing, finally landing on Lifetime to catch the end of
The Patty Duke Marathon
11:30 p.m. - have hair removed from head
a la Darth Vader's helmet
11:45 p.m. - 1,739 crunches
1:30 a.m. - reread "Chapter 12: It's Warmer Near the Center of the Earth" from
The Protocols Of the Learned Elders of Zion
2:45 a.m. - reread that one pre-9/11 memo about bin Laden really really really wanting to drive airplanes into American skyscrapers, and say to yourself, "Oops" and "Dang it"
3:30 a.m. - power nap
3:50 a.m. - 3 shots of vodka in your "You go, girl!" coffee mug
3:55 a.m. - feel loved briefly
4:00 a.m. - light snack of cottage cheese, muskmelon and diplomatic capital
4:30 a.m. - rise and shine, and give God his glory, glory... &c., and things of that nature