Last year was the first time I indulged in a little crystal-ball gazing in an effort to figure out what 2006 would bring. With the aid of the faithful Feline-American who shares my home I offered up 21 predictions.
My success rate was a mere 57%. This year I am working without Fitz’s help, so I guess my list of predictions contained below will allow readers to determine who the real brains of the operation are.
- Dreamgirls will be a big winner at this years Academy Awards. Sadly, Snakes on a Plane will be shunned by Oscar voters.
- Ellen DeGeneres will be put under a microscope by social conservatives when she serves as host for the Oscars. Critics will seize upon every opportunity to claim that the event is a) too gay, b) not patriotic enough and c) not funny enough.
- The President will return to his tried- and true-package of talking points when delivering his State of the Union message. The general rule for extricating one’s self from a hole is to stop digging; the President seems bound and determined to try and get a bigger shovel.
- Conservatives will be sweating bullets as the new Democratic majority takes its seat in the House and Senate. They will be expecting a flurry of investigations because they think liberals are every bit as petty and vindictive as they are.
- CBS will launch a new reality series, Who wants to be a Prime-Time News Anchor? Katie Couric will be described as lacking the gravities of her male counterparts.
- In other media news the behavior of commentators Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly will grow increasingly erratic as their audience dwindles. The chief beneficiary will be O’Reilly’s nemesis, Keith Olbermann of MSNBC.
- The most controversial part of Super Bowl XLI will be the ads accompanying the broadcast. Critics will once again bemoan the spots’ poor taste.
- Victims of Hurricane Katrina will continue to wait for the type of assistance George Bush promised back in 2005.
- Having discovered that Snow jobs can’t sway public opinion, the White House will be forced to find another right-winger to fill the spot of Press Secretary.
- Evangelical Ted Haggard will once again come into the public spotlight when he claims to have been healed of his sexual orientation. Shortly thereafter yet another illicit affair will become public.
- An ailing Fidel Castro will finally succumb to old age. Will there be democratic elections in Cuba? Close but no cigar.
- PC users upgrading to Microsoft Vista will encounter multiple previously undiscovered bugs. Macintosh users will politely snicker.
- Octogenarian Pontiff Benedict XVI will suffer another heart attack this year. Liberal Roman Catholics dismayed by the Pope’s efforts to return the church to the bad old days before Vatican II will be astonished to discover that the church leader actually has a heart.
- A major meteorological event will lend more evidence to concerns about global warming. Conservatives will continue to insist that Tropical Depressions in Iceland are no reason for alarm.
- The birth of Mary Cheney’s baby will result in many conservatives tripping over their tongues as they try to explain how a lesbian mom can still be a conservative Republican in good standing.
- Encouraged by the successful strategy of starting the Christmas shopping season early, retailers will try to attempt to explain why the season should start with Labor Day.
- The minimum wage will finally be increased due to action from the Democratic majority in the House and Senate. When the economy rebounds Karl Rove will find a way to let the administration take credit.
- Vexed by failures to negate the teaching of evolution, conservative Christian groups will begin praying that pro-evolutionist be swallowed whole by the sea serpents that dwell at the edges of the flat earth.
- Lindsey Lohan will eclipse Brittney Spears record of shortest time of marital bliss with a 19-minute union that ends with a text message to her betrothed reading "Screw U."
- The epitaph on James Brown’s tombstone will finally read "I don’t feel so good."