After witnessing all the pomp and accolades afforded the late Jerry Ford, I have amended my will to include the following revised memorial/burial plans.
[Please note that I believe my time may be coming sooner than I had anticipated, given the predictions of the New Millenium's Nostradamus®, Pat Robertson. Thus the urgency of these changes to my will.]
(Read on...)
Bob Johnson's Last Will and Testament
- Pending certification that Bob is, indeed, dead (and not just faking it again, ala, "Harold and Maude"), Bob's body should be cremated in an inexpensive and convenient manner such as the use of an open fire in the backyard barbecue pit.
- A non-religious memorial service should be held near the cremation site that would include:
- minimum three kegs of a good, available micro-brew;
- an invitation list that includes Bob's friends, surviving family members, neighbors, and a few of his enemies, just for fun;
- a Bob Johnson Memorial Bike Ride to be held annually on the date of Bob's death to raise awareness for whatever disease or event that causes Bob's demise
- Uncontrollable sobbing and uproarious laughter -- sometimes both at once -- should be encouraged.
- All eulogies including inane comments, embarrassing anecdotes, tales of bad behavior, and disrespectful condemnations should be encouraged.
- Bob's ashes should be doled out in small zipper-style plastic lunch bags to all those who attend the memorial service for disposal in the chosen manner of those receiving the ashes.
- Any extra ashes that do not get distributed to attendees should be placed in a paper lunch bag (accompanied by a heaping pile of Rex's fresh "droppings"), doused with with lighter fluid and set on fire on the front stoop of the George W. Bush Presidential Library.
Addendum - January 3, 2007
- Pending the approval of Markos Moulitsas Zuniga, Bob would like his remains to lie, in-state, at Daily Kos for three days prior to cremation. During this period, friend and foe alike will be able to add their thoughts to a front-paged post memorializing Bob.
- The memorial post is required to devolve into a flame war over every controversial Daily Kos subject including:
- the respective positive and negative attributes of aspiring Democratic presidential wannabes;
- advertising on Daily Kos, including how much money kos makes, what kinds of ads are appearing, and whether some of those ads are sexist;
- Christians versus non-Christians/atheists/agnostics;
- any relevant political issue of the day (i.e., impeachment versus investigation, stolen election issues, including claims and counter-claims of the "tin-foil-hat" nature of the issues);
- the requisite Israeli-Palestinian flame war;
- personal insultfest resulting in troll-rating/troll-baiting arguments;
- classic "you-don't-pay-enough-attention-to-me-and-my-issue" postings;
- any other controversial postings certain to incite flame wars.
- After three days of lying-in-state at Daily Kos, Bob's remains will be returned to his backyard for cremation as outlined, above.
End of addendum
(I hope to receive approval from Markos on the "lying-in-state" part soon, although it is understandable if he wants me to keep it quiet lest all of you demand the same thing.)
I don't mean to be morose, but I figure if someone as politically mediocre as Gerald Ford can suddenly become one of the best Presidents in history, there is no reason why I can't be afforded the high honors of having a flamefest in my name after I'm gone.
Please take the pole so my wife will know what to expect.