From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
The first woman Speaker of the House is off to a rough start, judging by the public tut-tuts from the proprietors of high society. To be fair, Madam Pelosi is still adjusting to her position, so it would only seem proper to extend a brief grace period during which such unladylike behavior as a "catfight" might be overlooked. However, such conduct is, of course, beneath the dignity of the traditionally male speakership position, and cannot long be tolerated by the American people (not to mention citizens of the world, who are watching with at least one eyebrow acock).
In the interest of making this civics "experiment" work, C&J offers a reminder that the boundaries of civility are breeched at our nation’s peril. Further, we offer Madam Pelosi some tips she would be well-advised to tuck in her ample bosom for easy reference when conducting the nation’s business:
Always...
Graciously accept gentlemanly offers of assistance.
Wear gloves on the street, at church and other formal occasions, except when eating or drinking.
When crossing the street, one must lift her dress a bit above the ankle while holding the folds of her gown together in her right hand and drawing them toward the right.
When introduced to a man a lady never offers her hand, she merely bows politely and says, "I am happy to make your acquaintance."
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Never...
Grab your hoops or lift your skirts higher than is absolutely necessary to go up stairs.
Sit with your legs crossed (except at the ankles if necessary for comfort or habit).
Lift your skirts up onto the seat of your chair when sitting down. (Wait for, or if necessary, ask for assistance when sitting down at a table or on a small light chair).
Speak in a loud, coarse voice.
(From, oddly, "The Gentleman’s Page: A Practical Guide for the 19th Century American Man")
Update: We have just been informed that the catfight between Madam Pelosi and Lady Harman took place in a vat of Jell-O. So never mind. Anyone got pics or a YouTube link??
It rubs the weekend on its skin or it gets the hose. Your West Coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There’s Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 5, 2007
Note: This hoop skirt is drivin’ me nuts.
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By the Numbers:
Days ‘til Valentine's Day: 40
Days 'til Ash Wednesday: 47
Chances that a detainee at Gitmo was ratted out by an Afghan or Pakistani citizen: 90%
Reward offered to Afghan and Pakistani citizens for every "terrorist" they rat on: $5,000
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number entries that are deleted by Wikipedia administrators every day: 100
(Source: The Washington Post via The Week magazine)
Number of gay Episcopal priests who have married their partners in England: 51
(Source: Timesonline via Andrew Sullivan)
And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,754
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Well, at least some critters know how to get along.
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CHEERS to Day 1. The House and Senate passed veto-proof legislation supporting stem cell research, alternative energy, the minimum wage, gay marriage, and health care...then impeached the president. Of course the media will act like none of it happened. Lapdogs.
CHEERS to famous firsts. Former Boston Globe columnist Tom Oliphant, speaking to Al Franken, summed up the emotional swearing in of Nancy Pelosi this way: "For an old anarchist like me, I love seeing another barrier fall." C&J welcomes the first woman Speaker, the first Muslim Congressman, the first openly-gay chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, and the first Congressman to appear nude on an album cover. Liberals are cool.
CHEERS to good advice from unlikely sources. Republican Grover Norquist---he who would like to "drown" the federal government "in the bathtub"---has a special request that I think you’ll want to honor:
For the next two years conservatives will not be able to pass any useful legislation through the House of Representatives. Memorize that sentence. Place it on your PC screensaver. Use it as your message on your answering machine. A discreet but easily accessed tattoo would be helpful.
I’ve done the first three. A few more drinks and I’ll be ready for the tattoo (on me bum!). Tomorrow I’ll skywrite it. Sunday I’ll print up T-shirts. Next week I’ll turn it into a hit Broadway musical. This is fun!
JEERS to historic parallels gone wild! Joe Lieberman (I-Party of One), spoke today at the conservative American Enterprise Institute (watch it here if you have the stomach for it). Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe he's saying the Iraq war is all Francisco Franco's fault:
There are people who have spoken of this moment in history as if it were the 30s, and there are some parallels, I fear, there. People say the war in Iraq is comparable to the Spanish Civil War, and the war in Iraq, to the larger war against Islamist terrorism, comparable to the Spanish Civil War, to the Second World War, the late 30s and the failure to grasp the growing threat of fascism in Europe until it was almost too late. The painful irony of this moment in our history, is that while in some senses it is comparable to the 1930s, it’s also already 1942. Because Pearl Harbor [9/11], in this war, has already happened.
I am giving you such a dirty look right now, Connecticut.
P.S. Oops...looks like the president just lost Oliver North. They're droppin' like flies.
JEERS to wacky weather. Tornados and thunderstorms with heavy winds are hammering the south in waves. When I went to lunch today I found a Waffle House had landed on a Hummer on Congress Street. Not that I'm complaining. Pass the butter.
CHEERS to the new blog on the block. Want to learn more about our newly-elected members of Congress? Head over to Progressive Wave, a new blog by PsiFighter37 and friends (their official launch announcement is here). It's still a work in progress, but each newbie has a succinct bio, link to their web site, and nudie pic. (Ha...made ya look.)
JEERS to rifling through our porn. Yet another sneaky "signing statement" by President Bush, this one granting himself supreme power to go through anyone's mail without a warrant. That leaves only one private thing of yours the Executive branch has no interest in touching. (And, really, you should get that looked at...)
JEERS to William Jefferson. The Democratic congressman is in deep doo-doo again. The latest infraction: violating ethics rules by writing a fundraising letter on congressional stationery (what, he couldn’t just grab a few bales of Ben Franklins from his freezer?) Time for some tough love in the cloak room, Nancy? That crowbar’s there for a reason.
CHEERS to Democratic bulldogs. Former Speaker of the House Tip O'Neill---who coined the phrase "All politics is local"---died 13 years ago today at 81. From his New York Times obituary:
To Mr. O'Neill, who spoke of the Democratic Party with near-religious fervor, the party was the one of the cities, the working people, the poor, the needy, the unemployed, the sick and the disinherited. "And no way are we ever going to let them down," he would insist.
Pay your respects here. And I don't think he’d mind if you left behind a weee snort 'o the Irish whiskey.
JEERS to all you bad, bad Americans. President Bush says the best way ordinary folks can sacrifice for our country in wartime is to go shopping. But just-released holiday retail sales figures seem to suggest that we're a nation of traitorous enemy combatants. Well, at least the weather at Guantanamo is perfect this time of year. Have thong will travel.
CHEERS to real wartime presidents. Sixty six years ago, on January 6, 1941, Franklin Roosevelt gave his famous "4 Freedoms" State of the Union speech:
"[T]here is nothing mysterious about the foundations of a healthy and strong democracy. The basic things expected by our people of their political and economic systems are simple. They are:
Equality of opportunity for youth and for others.
Jobs for those who can work.
Security for those who need it.
The ending of special privilege for the few.
The preservation of civil liberties for all.
The enjoyment of the fruits of scientific progress in a wider and constantly rising standard of living.
These are the simple, basic things that must never be lost sight of in the turmoil and unbelievable complexity of our modern world."
Read the rest here. And then give generously to a secret underground ex-president cloning lab near you.
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One Year Ago in C&J: January 5, 2006...
CHEERS to reefer madness sanity. The Rhode Island legislature has overridden the governor's veto and approved the use of medicinal marijuana (they're the 11th state to approve it). Patients who suffer from AIDS, cancer and other maladies will be allowed to grow up to 12 plants, but they'll need to get two things first: a state-issued ID card and a half gallon of Häagen-Dazs.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Keith Ellison. For penning a column yesterday that is the very essence of class:
I do not blame my critics for subscribing to a politics of scarcity and intolerance. However, I believe we all must project a new politics of generosity and inclusion. This is the vision of the diverse coalition in my Congressional district. My constituents in Minnesota elected me to fight for a new politics in which a loving nation guarantees health care for all of its people; a new politics in which executive pay may not skyrocket while workers do not have enough to care for their families. I was elected to articulate a new politics in which no one is cut out of the American dream, not immigrants, not gays, not poor people, not even a Muslim committed to serve his nation.
Now imagine a Republican who had been shit on by a member of the "noble opposition" writing something like that. I can't either.
P.S. Ellison walked up to Rep. Virgil Goode during yesterday’s festivities and shook his hand. No injuries were reported.
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Have a slam-bang Democratic majority weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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