If you are young, like my youngest kid, Bob Newhart was Wil Farrell's adoptive elfin dad in the movie "Elf." If you are old, like my kid's dad, Bob Newhart started out in your awareness as a brilliant stand-up comic with a deadpan delivery and a unique bit: his monologues were often one side of a telephone conversation that pointed up the absurdity of modern conventions. Three stellar examples are the janitor's call to management as King Kong climbed the Empire State Building, one of Sir Walter Raleigh's English backers listening to "Nutty Walt" explain tobacco, and Abe Lincoln's Madison Avenue PR man coaching him before the Gettysburg Address ("What'd you think of the speech, Abe? You made some changes. Like what, Abe? You changed 'four score and seven' to 'eighty seven'?! Why'd you do that, Abe?").
Picture if you will a young Bob Newhart on the current scene. Here is what he might say about Iran ...
[Answering phone] General Casey. You've got the President on the line? Hold on a sec ... [covers mouthpiece] You guys! Hit speaker on the extension, it's Nutty George! Got it on "mute"? This'll be great [Speaking into phone again] OK, put him through.
HELLO Mr. President! How are you today? Barney? Barney who? Oh, your DOG. On the Oval Office rug. Well, at home we use this stuff from 409 ...
Oh, of course, sir. Not why you called. What can we do for you? You ran. You ran? That's nice sir, great cardio ... Yes, I run too. [suppresses giggle] Oh, IRAN. The COUNTRY. Over in the Middle East. Yes, we've all heard of it. Right by Iraq. What about it sir?
You want to attack it. [rolls eyes] Well we'd be glad to give you everything you need. Send one of our boys over there right now with a field pack, M16, grenades, helmet ... Hey how about we have the motor pool trick out a Humvee for you? Presidential seal, turbo, make that baby really go ...
Oh. Sorry. You want US to attack it. Didn't get your drift at first, sir. [Grinning broadly] Well, you're the CIC sir. CIC. Commander in Chief. CIC. That's what it stands ... [shakes head] You're the BOSS, sir. So, how do you want us to go about it?
Shock and awe. Like Baghdad. Bomb the Hell out of 'em. Cruise missiles. Smart bombs. Sir, that is a wonderful idea. But, see, thing is ... [Scratches head, pauses] We, uh, we used 'em up on Iraq! Oh, yes SIR. Every one. Replace them? Well, we did. And we used them up, too. Can't get any more right now sir. All on backorder. Nope. Too soon after Christmas. [Mimes laugh, points to mouthpiece]
You see what sir? Well, did they appear normal? [Covers eyes, giggles silently] Oh, ICBMs! The missiles! Oh, yeah, those, right. [Sticks out tongue, rolls eyes up and twirls index finger next to head in "crazy" sign] Well, they're ... being washed, yeah, that's it, I mean, we have to wash them every now and then, right, because of ... aerodynamics! Dirt slows 'em down, throws them off course; you wouldn't want us to hit Kuwait, would you sir? Oh, it takes a long time. Ever seen how big they are? Well, we'll have to arrange a trip out to North Dakota for you some time, check out some silos. Bring your camera ...
Why, you're very welcome sir. Always happy to ... Oh. TANKS. Big old metal things. Sorry sir, misunderstood you. Well, thing is, the ones we have over in the area are all down right now. Yep. Damndest thing. Yes. Recall on the ignition system. Yes, we'll hurry them along but you know those Japanese suppliers. I'm guessing, six weeks, best.
OK, troops then. Couple of batallions. [Rolls eyes] It's just that, well, the troops over there are really, really busy right now, see, bringing democracy and all, so we can't really send them over the border, and with this whole "surge" thing you're talking about, well we can't put more troops in while we take the troops who are there out. Because it wouldn't do any good. [Puzzled expression] OK, sir, stay with me here: it's like when you have a bunch of apples in a basket, you take some away, put some other ones in, you don't really have more than you started with. No problem sir. It's what I'm here for.
Mr. President, I want you to know that we're flattered and all that you want us to start another war, but it's been like one thing after another here. Short on troops, on ordinance, on transports, ...
Tell you what: We'll have the Navy put in an appearance. I mean, SHIPS, yeah, great, big gray ones with the big white numbers on the side and all those pointy flags you like so much, we'll send 'em over to the Persian Gulf. Do I think what about Persia? [Listens intently and repeats] "Do I think Persia would join the New Coalition of the More Willinger?" [Exasperated sigh] Sir, Persia and Iran are the same thing. Yessir. Name change. Oh, no, not lately. Back about sixty, no, seventy years ago. Yes, you're right, "damn tricky, those Arabs." No, sir, don't worry. They can't fool us by changing it again.
Is there anything else, Mr. President? You sound disappointed ... hey, I know, how about another ride on one of our carrier fighters! I agree sir. Most fun you can have with your pants on. Tell you what. We'll send Marine One over for you right away. Pack up your flight suit. No, it's OK, we'll have a helmet here for you. I think we've got the USS Norfolk just offshore somewhere.
OK? Great! See ya there, Chief! Bye bye. [Hangs up, punches in an extension] Dave? It's "Operation Nightie Night" again. Yep. Fly him around over the water for about an hour. With nothing to look at he'll be asleep by then. We'll take him home and Laura can put him to bed. Oh, and Dave, get somebody from Intel up here. I know he's going to call back about North Korea sooner or later and I'll need some new material!