There are many scientists that subscribe to the theory that we are part of an Open Multiverse, complete with infinite other universes. There may be infinite copies of us with various tweaks here and there.
So I suppose in one of those universes a George W. Bush addressed a nation by promptly humping a goat on live TV! Much the horror and glee of a nation at war...he may also have given the following speech:
" Good evening. Tonight in Iraq, the armed forces of the United States are engaged in a struggle that has been a fiasco. The new strategy I outline tonight will change America's course in Iraq, and help us succeed in the fight against terror.
When I addressed you just over a year ago, nearly 12 million Iraqis had cast their ballots for a unified and democratic nation. I thought we were making progress. Everybody around me told me we were making progress...generals, Secretary Rice, Secretary Rumsfeld, and Dick. You see, I do not like bad news. Never have. Growing up it was always Dad this, Dad that...Jeb this and Jeb that. Now that I am President (a TWO TERMER, take that Dad!) I can decide not to get bad news and decide not to even inquire about any bad news...it makes a leader look weak to go looking for bad news, or even possible bad news.
So why are we in Iraq? Well, it was the usual momentum decision. So many people had different agendas and reasons, but they all pointed to invading Iraq. Ahmed Chalbi wanted to become King of Persia. So he tricked the Israelis...err I mean Neocons here, and in Israel into thinking he would make nice and pipe oil their way...if only Saddam could be taken out. Dick wanted to help out his old company Haliburton. Plus with all his illnesses and medications, his personaliity has changed. He is paranoid and delusional and does not like facts on the ground. Karl wanted to make me a big time war President. I really admired how Old Lady Thatcher pulled it off in the Falklands. If I could get that kind of juice, I could ram thru any domestic agenda I could dream of. Don wanted to prove his new war theories and punk Colin. Me? I just wanted to kick some ass. Anyhow, I did think Saddam might have WMD. Didn't matter really. We all thought it was good cover to invade. Besides, go in, get a democracy going, get out...EASY! Turns out, that if we had only waited a couple of years, Iraq would have probably crumbled under the weight of its own corruption all by itself.
So I have decided to make some changes. As we all know, I am not really up the task of being a bona fide President, So I will need some help...bigtime. I have asked for and received the resignation of Vice President Cheney. I have asked Colin Powell to help serve his counry yet again. This time we will not make him sit at the kid's cardtable during meetings. I will recommend him to the Senate as our new VP. He has agreed so that he can begin to restore his image and reputation. After caving time after time in the past, he has promised to be more than a good soldier. I have asked for and received the resignation of Secretary of State Rice. She is smart and hard working and in over her head. I have asked Jimmy Baker to replace her. That way, he will not have to go thru Condi to get the message to me. He knows who to pay off and how in the region.
Oil producing states have agreed to ramp up production so that oil prices drop and Iran and the economy there goes to shit. That is the best leverage we have. I think if we are smart and apply the right incentives and disincentives the Ayatollahs will not go the noo-q-ler route. I will dispatch Vice President Powell to Tehran as soon as he is confirmed.
I have ask for 20,000 extra troops be sent to Iraq. Over the next few weeks, our troops will redeploy in Iraq doing fewer patrols, more training, more embedding, and setting up some serious border security. We need to keep out nutjobs from Iran, and Syria...and Jordan. (you hear me Abdullah?) We will keep a couple of large bases. But Iraqi troops will patrol more and more. It could get ugly, but our choices are limited.
We will welcome all former army members and former Baathist goverment officials back with open arms. Jerry Bremer really fucked that one up. We are trying to make it right, we had no idea he thought he was king.
The Iraqi government will have to sort out a sectarian truce between Sunni, Shia, Kurd, Arab, Persian etc etc etc. We will meet in the Green Zone next week, nobody leaves until a truce is signed. Jimmy Baker will lead this effort.
For every month of 100 or fewer attacks (counting ALL attacks carried out and foiled), we will send a brigade home. One more incentive...if along with fewer than 100 attacks there are zero US soldiers killed in action for 2 consecutive months, we will leave a base. If there are no soldiers KIA from now until the end of the year, we pull out all together. We will turn over bases to the Iraqi army and redeploy to Kuwait, Saudi Arabia and eventually home. If none of these incentives are met...we leave by election day 2008 and you are on your own.
So Iraq...it is all up to you now. You can get us out sooner and less bloody...or later. Your choice.
The central front in the war on terror has moved back to Afghanistan. NATO troop levels will be increased, including more American troops. Once that country can fend off the Taliban, we will pull out there...but we will keep an eye on you!
Thank you and good night."
Now, this was mainly a mental exercise. I have no idea if any of the actions listed above will actually work. But from my perspective they seem plausible.