Once upon a time, there was Secretary named Condi. She wasn't the kind of secretary who took dictation, made coffee, or sat on the boss's lap (that we know of). She was a different type of secretary. She was Secretary of State. That meant she was in charge of coordinating American diplomacy.
Diplomacy is a very difficult job because it often requires dealing with people you simply can't stand. That is why the best diplomats are people who play well with others. Secretary Condi wanted to show the senators that she did that extra well.
Because Secretary Condi was in charge of carrying out American diplomacy, she would sometimes be asked to report her progress to Congress. Congress is a bunch of people who get elected to represent everyone else. Part of their job is to check on the other branches of government to see if they are being successful or if they need help making good choices. Today's story is about Secretary Condi's visit to Congress. Everyone was smiling and polite -- at first...
Secretary Condi started the day by visiting the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. That made sense because senators interested in Foreign Relations sometimes want to know about America's diplomacy. Lucky for them Secretary Condi was available.
Secretary Condi listened intently to their questions. Being a good listener is important if you want to be a diplomat. Some people say a lot of the world's problems would be avoided if some people learned to listen better. Remember that story about Furious George? He didn't listen very well, did he? Anybody remember what happened?
Don't shout out...raise your hands. Cindy, want to tell us what happened when Furious George didn't listen? That's right! It didn't go well at all! That's what happens when you behave...what's the word?
No... that's a bad word. We don't use that word. The word I was looking for was "unilaterally."
Anyway, back to our story. Secretary Condi was determined not to make that mistake (again). So she put on her listening ears and gave the senators her undivided attention. She was very serious because she wanted them to see that she wanted to be successful.
It wasn't long before the senators started to let Secretary Condi know they were not very happy. Apparently, things were not going as well as they had been led to believe. Secretary Condi knew they were right, but even though she was having unhappy thoughts she knew it was important for her to keep her listening ears on and not to say anything rude because they were giving constructive criticism.
Secretary Condi also wanted to show the senators that she was a good turn-taker. So she didn't interrupt them. She waited for her turn to give her side of the story. When her turn came, she started to calmly explain how everyone was doing everything in the world to make good choices. The real problem was newspapers just don't like to print good news.
Unfortunately, the senators were having a hard time reconciling her words with her actions. Does anyone remember what we call it when your words and actions don't match up? John? No..."lying" is very harsh.... Teddy? That's right! She was making contradictory statements. Do you like it when people make contradictory statements? Of course not. Well the senators didn't like it either.
Secretary Condi was no fool. She knew they weren't buying her story. But she didn't want them to think she didn't buy it either. So she tried to avoid answering their questions by talking about how complicated everything was. That didn't go over too well. Instead of coming off as sophisticated, she came off as patronizing. Senators don't like it when people patronize them and ...I'm sorry, Jack...you have a question? Ok...ok...good question.... You're right. Senators like it if you patronize them, but only if that means you are supporting them. Being patronizing is not quite the same as patronizing. It's complicated. How about we come back to that later?
Now where was I? Oh yeah,the senators didn't like the way she was explaining stuff, so they started to interrupt poor Secretary Condi. They even made fun of her. One senator said it was easy for Secretary Condi to make empty promises because at the end of the day, she wouldn't pay any direct consequences for her decisions. Secretary Condi didn't like hearing that and tried to defend herself. Things got pretty heated there. Some even think it got a bit personal, which it did.
Secretary Condi was working really hard to keep her cool. She knew that if she wanted congress to keep writing checks for her adventures, she had to show them she was capable of making good choices. But the veins in her head were throbbing so hard you could see them ten yards away. When Secretary Condi got mad, she didn't get red in the face. She didn't sweat. Nope. The only way you knew Mt. Saint Condi was going to blow was by watching the way those lines in her forehead started beading up like a bunch of moray eels trapped in a net.
Things were already starting to get ugly when someone in the back of the room decided they had to share their feelings with everyone else. Well, he didn't actually say anything because you are not allowed to speak out during these public hearings if you are in the audience. That's right Newt, just like in class, you don't get to yell stuff out unless you are being called on. Well, here's what he did. He held a sign up in the air that said, "Still Lying." Yes. That's right. I know, we aren't supposed to use that kind of language. But sometimes, sad to say, people really do lie. I agree it wasn't a nice thing to do, but the senators saw the sign and they started to giggle. Now Secretary Condi didn't know about the sign so she thought they were giggling at her. Which they were, but not because of what she was saying. Somewhere about this time, her happy face took a vacation.
One of the senators was a vet. No, Ricky... not that kind of vet. Doctors that work with animals are veterinarians. The senator was a veteran. That is someone who has served in the military. Yes, Ricky? That's an interesting question. I suppose you could have veteran veterinarians, but this senator was just a regular veteran. Actually he was what we call a "combat veteran" which means he had been involved in combat. Because he had been in combat, he knew a thing or two about the bad choices people make when they have no good choices left. He'd seen people make terrible choices. The amazing thing is he lived to tell the tale. He knew how lucky he was. That's why one thing he took real serious was his responsibility to make sure other people didn't make those bad choices.
Listening to Secretary Condi made him extremely unhappy. He told Secretary Condi that not only was she making bad choices, but she was making some of the worst choices that anyone had made in over thirty years. Yes, Paris, that is a long time...yes...that's older than MTV and CNN. So I guess those must be some really bad choices. In any event, that's when Secretary Condi lost it. She started screaming. And spitting. And cussing.
She sprang up onto the table and challenged the senators to an Iron Cage Death Match right there on C-SPAN. It was downright scary. Grown men were running for the doors. She was crouching down ready to lunge when Capitol Hill Security rushed her. One of the officers caught her in mid air and tried to grapple her to the ground. A second officer threw a net over her while a third shot her full of tranquilizer darts. A fourth officer was slashed trying to keep her gnashing teeth away from the throats of his comrades. She fought like a woman possessed until the drugs kicked in. It's amazing no one was killed.
The attack caught everyone by surprise. Nobody had planned on taking down a rabid Secretary. It had never happened in more than 200 years. Everyone was shook up. No one was thinking clearly. Maybe that is why they decided to ship her overseas instead of institutionalizing her or putting her out of her misery. For some reason everyone agreed that if we let her scare people over there, we wouldn't be scared by her over here. Unfortunately, as Furious George learned last week, things don't always work out as planned....
Next Week:
Are those chickens coming home to roost, or are we trapped in a Hitchcock horror film?