Last night, I dreamed about this year's State of the Union Address.
My fellow Americans,
We have been through a lot during the past six years. We saw an unimaginable attack on the World Trade Center in New York and the Pentagon in Washington by members of Al Qaeda, and I did nothing to stop them. North Korea built nucular [sic] weapons and Iran is working to construct their own, and we have not done anything to stop them. New Orleans was destroyed by Katrina, and we did little to help the people of that once great city. We destroyed our economy by giving tax breaks to the ultra rich. And last but not least, we waged a pre-emptive war on Iraq to locate WMDs that we knew didn’t exist, and destroyed that country. We are caught in a quagmire there, and I cannot do anything to end it.
[Ted Kennedy nods head]
So my fellow Americans, it is with great personal sadness and remorse that I announce I will be resigning the presidency in two months time.
[Thunderous applause]
I am taking this action because I love my country, and don’t want to screw it up any more than I already have. I sat down with advisors last week to strategerize [sic] about how to make a smooth transition. We decided that Vice President Cheney is just as responsible for the mess that America has become and is therefore unfit to replace me.
[Cheney grimaces]
So earlier today, I asked for his resignation, and he grudgingly gave it.
[Thunderous applause]
I decided that I’m going to let my daddy finish out the remainder of my term. I told him: "I need your help daddy", and he agreed to be president for two more years.
[Nancy Pelosi sighs]
So I will appoint him V.P. and resign after his confirmation. I am hoping for a quick confirmation of my daddy in the Senate so that I can get the hell out of Washington. I will spend my remaining years clearing brush and riding my bike on my ranch in Crawford, Texas.
Sorry for all the fuckups, and may God bless the United States of America.
[Thunderous applause]