Hello All:
While taking my nightly constitutional around my humble abode this evening, I started to ponder about the potential Republican presidential candidate, and which one would best serve our plans for domination of the political arena for years, if not decades, to come.
"Easy!" thought I. "The old white guy!"
"Stupid! They are ALL old white guys!"
After pummeling my alter ego into a coma, I sat down to watch Olbermann and give serious thought to the matter. I believe that any of the top four Democratic challengers (Clinton, Obama, Edwards, and Richardson) are more than capable of kicking some Republican ass. The old quote from Huey Long has been kicking around in my head. You know, the one where he claimed that the only way he would lose the election was "to get caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy".
If the situation in Iraq does not improve, and if we are still there in '08, the only way we lose is if Richardson gets caught filming Clinton in bed...
With Obama and Edwards.
Granted, all of them have flaws. I know by now that there is no such thing as a perfect candidate. Clinton has Iraq around her neck, too. Edwards can come off as smarmy. Richardson is too unknown, and Obama is going to get hammered on the experience issue.
But they are all beauty queens compared to the people that the GOP will roll out. (Especially Hillary. She gave the commencement speech at the University of Illinois in '94, and I've gotta say, I like me a president with good legs. Rowr.) What I want, and what both America and the Republican Party desrves, is the kind of ass-hammering that will set their agenda back forty years, by which time I will be most likely either be happily pushing up daisies, or living off-planet.
So let's take a gander, shall we?
- McCain
Why we should fear him: Some people think that he is a rebel, unaware that Karl Rove stole his mojo years ago and is holding it captive in an underground bunker in Biloxi, Mississippi. Appeals to grumpy, sleepy, old white men. War-captive hero. Press likes him because he gives out free pencils during interviews.
Why we should giggle: Even HRC has more credibility on Iraq than he does. As addicted to troop escalations as I am to pork steak, baseball, and on-line porn. Liable to doze off during second presidential debate. Does not have presidential hair. Does not appeal to Republican base (population: 17) because he has never driven a company into bankruptcy.
- Giuliani
Why we should fear him: Not competely nuts on social issues. Only Republican to not wet his or her pants on September 11. Believes that responsibility of government is to actually govern. Comes from state with lots of electoral votes (like THAT matters). Has foreign name.
Why we should giggle: Not completely nuts on social issues. Right-wing Republicans more likely to vote for Ronald Reagan than Giuliani. Has at least one ex-wife who would like to set him on fire in public. Loses copies of important election secrets. Comes from New York.
- Brownback
Why we should fear him: Will rally Republican base (population: 17). Has double-play combination of Jesus, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit on his side. The dead will rise from the grave to vote for him (kind of like Mayor Daley). Friendly looks belie lack of soul (not the eternal kind, the mojo kind).
Why we should giggle: Categorically insane on social issues. Doesn't even try to hide his right-wing stand on abortion and gay rights. Will lose 75%+ of independent voters. Comes from boring, flat state. A real man would tell the president to STFU about Iraq.
Obviously, the full field has not been set. But if one thing is certain, it is this: The field of Republican hopefuls is very shallow. What has that party come to when George Allen (George Allen!!) was being seriously discussed as a legitimate contender before Webb booted him in November?
I welcome your comments.