Me: Welcome back to the show, now, more of my exclusive live interview with Mr. Dick Cheney, Mr. Cheney, you'll forgive me if I refrain from addressing you as "vice president" as it's never been a title that you've particularly earned or deserved, both in technical and metaphorical senses, Mr.-uhm... well, let me just call you Dick. Dick, next question: does it hurt inside to have to be such an intense pussy on national television?
Dick: ...
Me: I mean, shit, dawg, Blitzer went after your kinfolk the other day. Even after you tried to give him the old stink eye (it probably works pretty well on that homosexual daughter of yours, huh?) But this Blitzer character (I know, I thought you guys were pals, too) had the nerve to follow up! I know if that had been me, I'd have jumped the desk and broken his nose right there. But then, I'm not the alleged vice-president. Say, does it bother you that I'd refer to her as "your homosexual daughter"?
Dick: ...
Me: I mean, shit dawg. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the homosexuals as a people; some of my best friends and lovers are full-blown gay. and certainly your daughter is an openly gay homosexual lesbian woman. it's nothing you haven't discussed before, nothing your precious wife hasn't discussed before, indeed, it certainly isn't something that your openly gay homosexual lesbian woman daughter hasn't discussed. i think she wrote a good portion of a book on the subject. Say, you wouldn't use your children to exploit some sort of political gain, only to rear up like a frightened hedgehog when someone dares to throw your nonsense back into your face? Surely you wouldn't put up with that?
Dick: ...
Me: I mean, shit, dawg. You're such a proud bastard that you couldn't take someone hounding you about personal issues, right? And I'm certain what really bothers you about your ex-friend Wolf's attack was not so much it's method but it's mode; he had no real thrust to his questions, he was clearly just trying to goad you into acting like a hyper-sensitive dick. Isn't it a good thing you didn't bite?
Dick: ...
Me: I mean, shit, dawg, you don't have time to deal with this bullshit, do you? (I feel comfortable using that word with you, since I've read transcripts from the senate floor and know you're quite the salty dog when it comes to intra-personal politics!) This cable-news small-time stuff is for your thralls and feeders, after all. Jesus, Dick, you don't even make it down to the Fox News Media Suite in the West Wing but twice a year or so. It's clear you have your own problems to deal with. So, Dick, let me ask another question... how's all of this weighing on your heart?
You don't look so good, Dick.
I think it's probably time for you to go lie down.
Dick: ... (*click*-*click*)
(Yeah, this all seemed a lot more singularly relevant when I wrote it before the fairly brilliant Daily Show monologue today. but at least it's mercifully short, and lets hope that the administration follows its suit and collapses on itself at its first possible convenience.)
(Also, hi! : D I noticed a number of cats trying to, I don't know, get me to play ball? with them. It's important to note that I'm not here to have a dialogue with you, as others on this site do it better than i'd ever want to. i literally don't read things people send me on the internet unless i'm super convinced a beautiful woman has sent it (yes, i know, this is its own form of misogyny, but that's how it goes. : D) But I do want to thank anyone, deeply, who takes the time to read... well... anything. seriously. thank you for being engaged. sorry you're not quite clever enough to be up to my speed, but... we're not actually here to sooth our own egos. much. right? <3 :D ;D )</p>