From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
C&J regrets not having reported on the winners of the 2006 Bulwer Lytton fiction contest until now:
Winner: Historical Fiction
While Hector and the heroes of Troy trembled behind the ramparts as cowboys below the walls raced up and down the beach, six-guns blazing and cries of "yee-hah!" filling the air, other cowboys across the sea were laboring gamely but in vain to throw a palisade around Wichita, Kansas, thereby adding veracity to the old homily of history that it is easier to cow a fortified city than to fortify a cow city.
---Christopher Backeberg, South Africa
Winner: Romance
Despite the vast differences in their ages, ethnicity, and religious upbringing, the sexual chemistry between Roberto and Heather was the most amazing he had ever experienced; and for the entirety of the Labor Day weekend they had sex like monkeys on espresso, not those monkeys in the zoo that fling their feces at you, but more like the monkeys in the wild that have those giant red butts, and access to an espresso machine.
---Dennis Barry, Dothan, AL
And the Grand Prize winner:
Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.
---Jim Guigli, CA
The rest are here. No, madam, this has nothing to do with politics. But it's Friday and if you can't stray from the beaten path on a Friday, then good day to you. I said GOOD DAY, madam!
Cheers and Jeers starts in There’s Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 9, 2007
Note: Don't forget that today is National Do Everything With Your Other Hand Day. Yes...everything.
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By the Numbers:
Days ‘til Ash Wednesday: 12
Days 'til Reno 911: Miami: 14
Rate at which thieves steal cars in the U.S.: 1 every 25½ seconds
Models that are stolen more frequently than the '91 Honda Accord: 0
(Source: Money magazine via The Week)
Number of state legislators in New Hampshire: 424
Number of states with more legislators than NH: 0
And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,789
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: What the Middle East would look like if animals took over the peace process.
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CHEERS to saying what needs to be said. Memo from the Chairman of the Joint Frickin' Chiefs of Staff to all the right-wing idiots who claim that debating the Iraq war hurts troop morale and/or emboldens our enemies: "There's no doubt in my mind that the dialogue here in Washington strengthens our democracy. Period." Ya hear that? "Period." Game, set, match.
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Anna Nicole Smith has died! Catch 24-hour exploitation of this minor celebrity's demise on CNN!
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JEERS to wobbly-kneed civil servants. Diplomats and foreign service officials at the State Department are hiding under their desks and in broom closets to avoid going to Iraq. This despite the fact that their boss, Condi Rice, insists it's the last bulwark against total enslavement of the human race by invaders from Mars. Not meaning to meddle in official government business, Madam Secretary, but maybe if you slip a little sleepy drug into the cafeteria coffee and have a cargo plane standing by...?
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BREAKING: Anna Nicole Smith has died! Catch 24-hour mega-hype on MSNBC!
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JEERS to the lemon of the sea. In a first-of-its-kind experiment, the military and General Dynamics worked in the same building to create a spiffy new amphibious vehicle. Let's check in on their taxpayer-funded progress, shall we?
After 10 years and $1.7 billion, this is what the Marines Corps got for its investment in a new amphibious vehicle: A craft that breaks down about an average of once every 4 1/2 hours, leaks and sometimes veers off course. [...]
The amphibious vehicle, which can be launched from a ship and then driven on land, is so unreliable that the Pentagon is ditching plans to begin building the first of more than 1,000 and wants to start over with seven new prototypes, which will take nearly two years to deliver, at a cost of $22 million each.
The price tag: nearly two billion dollars. But at least General Dynamics only got an $80 million bonus for their work. That'll teach 'em.
CHEERS to Laura Bush. Now hold on a second before you throw tomatoes at me. She and the White House curator have just restored the Lincoln Bedroom to the way it looked when Honest Abe used it as his office. I figure she needed a place to get away from her husband---he keeps deciding in his sleep.
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Anna Nicole Smith is dead and the Democrat Party did it! Catch 24-hour coverage on FOX News!
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CHEERS to Tippeca...ca...cachoo! Happy 224th birthday to "#9" William Henry "Tippecanoe" Harrison. He yammered on for 105 minutes during his inaugural address without an overcoat, caught a cold, and died 32 days later. Pay your respects to the silly blockhead here.
P.S. Gesundheit.
CHEERS to global learning. Holy geothermalwillickers! Every school district is turning green:
Children will be put on the front line of the battle to save the planet under radical proposals to shake up the way that geography is taught in schools.
[F]or the first time, issues such as climate change and global warming are at the heart of the school timetable. Pupils will also be taught to understand their responsibilities as consumers---and weigh up whether they should avoid travel by air to reduce CO2 emissions and shun food produce imported from the other side of the world because of its impact on pollution.
"Children have a dual role as consumers and influencers," [the Education Secretary] said. "Educating them about the impact of getting an extra pair of trainers for fashion's sake is as important as the pressure they put on their parents not to buy a gas-guzzling family car."
Oh, silly me...that's in Great Britain. You Yankee youngsters, don't forget to pick up your ExxonMobil L'il Guzzler Brain Chip™ during recess.
JEERS to bad Feith. In a story which we'll file under "Duh!", the Washington Post---via a leaked copy of an Inspector General's report---discovers that the former undersecretary of Defense "manipulated bad intelligence" to create a phony Saddam-al Qaeda link while whipping up support for the Iraq war. But, says the IG, Douglas Feith did nothing illegal. Memo to the president: could you change your plans just a tad and courier his Medal of Freedom out to the 12th green? He's having a terrific round.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of the One-Word Answer Man. Neo-conservative and all-around wrong-guy Bill Kristol asks:
Do Democrats worry that Bush's new strategy might actually work? Or, even if it doesn't, that Republicans might not be penalized politically for supporting one last try for victory?
No.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers...
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to strapping one on. Twenty years ago tomorrow---during Reagan's reign---Surgeon General C. Everett Koop endorsed television advertising for condoms to help curb the spread of AIDS. Today's Surgeon General---y'know, whatsizzname---is locked in a White House closet.
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Anna Nicole Smith has died! Catch 24-hour Nancy Grace orgasm on Headline News!
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JEERS lying liars in my own backyard (via Turn Maine Blue). Mainers have a legendary reputation for plain talk and honesty. So it's a stain on our heritage when Joe Lieberman's bestest friend in the whole world, Senator Susan Collins breaks the biggest of promises to her constituents, as she does in this letter (among other places):
I am proud of the accomplishments I have made during my first term, and I hope to have the opportunity to serve the people of Maine in the Senate for another six years. I intend to serve only two terms as I indicated in the Sanford forum six years ago.
Again, thank you for contacting me. I appreciate having the benefit of your views.
Sincerely,
Susan Collins
And I'll appreciate having the benefit of voting your kiester out in two years, liar. (You'll make a terrific greeter at Wal-Mart.)
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Anna Nicole Smith dies! Markets tank! Catch 24-hour coverage on CNBC!
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CHEERS to 1/300th notes. On this date in 1992, Thomas School of Germany became the fastest yodeler alive, delivering 22 tones and 15 falsettos in 1 second. They're still trying to pull his uvula out of his sinus cavity.
JEERS to buying your way into her heart. Says here that men will spend an average of $156 this Valentine's Day on their sweeties, while the average woman will spend $85. Why the disparity? According to Pepper Schwartz, creator of the compatibility test at perfectmatch.com, it's because "[H]e's playing catch-up. He's thinking, 'I've got to do something extra special on Valentine's Day because I forgot so many things the rest of the year---like her birthday.'" And with that I'll step aside and let y'all duke it out.
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One Year Ago in C&J: February 9, 2006...
CHEERS to Barack Obama. He now has a shiny new Grammy Award for his Senate office desk. John McCain...does not.
JEERS to that rich Ivy League bamboozler. Oh, what a surprise. President Bush secretly inserted his Social Security-gutting scheme into his budget proposal. It doesn't take long to find it. Just follow the stench to page 321.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to a throne with a view (via Boing Boing). Question: what comes with a Philips 20-inch LCD TV and Star Wars DVD, Xbox 360 gaming system, Philips DVD player, Gateway EMachine laptop computer with fully articulated "robot" arm, iPod with stereo docking station, Tivo recorder, Avanti refrigerator with beer tap, stocked with drinks and snacks, Magazine rack and subscriptions to Sports Illustrated, ESPN and GQ, Bike pedal exerciser and a cup warmer/cooler?
Answer: the pimped-out john that Roto-Rooter's giving away. And I will fight you to the death for it.
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Have a great weekend. Go outside and work on your metal pole licking skills. Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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