Don't say I never did anything anything for ya.
Now, I know 2, perhaps even 3 people on the planet have been absolutely dying of curiosity wondering, "What in the world is Fox News up to with its conservative Daily Show ripoff, The 1/2 Hour News Hour that premieres this Sunday? Will it be as funny as the now cancelled hit show Yes, Dear?"
The answer is yes, by the way, but that's not a compliment. My apologies to all you Anthony Clark fans.
I was doing a little dumpster diving behind Fox News headquarters in NYC the other day, looking for some of Sean Hannity's dicarded S&M gear and research files on Anna Nicole Smith to decorate my place. Instead, I found...(more)
A TRANSCRIPT FOR THE 1/2 HOUR NEWS HOUR!
After I finished puking (estimated time: 12 hours), I decided to trascribe the whole thing here. This way, you'll never have to actually watch the show, because I've done all the hard work.
Be warned, guys. It's funny. Damn funny. I've got a bad feeling Jon Stewart will be up for a little old fashioned self-immolation, which a little birdie told me is the most painful way to commit suicide. Without further ado, get ready to set your eyeballs on stunned and your laughing glands on confused, because here it is.
DUDE WHO'S HOSTING THE SHOW OR WHATEVER: Barack Hussein Obama of the Democrat Party announced in Springfield, Illinois, his intention to seek the presidency of the United States. If you change the "b" in Obama to an "s" what does that spell? You guessed it: Ahmadinejad.
GIRL WHO SITS NEXT TO HIM ON THE SHOW: The Democrat-occupied...er, controlled House passed a non-binding resolution to abandon our troops today. But cheer up Republicans, we've got non-binding resolutions of our own. Like Habeas Corpus! (Holds for applause)
AUDIENCE: (crickets)
D.W.H.T.S.O.W.: In this week's Ironee Filez(tm), a screening of Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth was cancelled in Missouri this week due to a massive snowstorm.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: How is that ironic? Global warming doesn't mean it'll never snow again in 2007! Don't you know anything?
G.W.S.N.T.H.O.T.S.: Looks like Richard "Shoebomber" Reid's getting a new roommate!
(Armed Tusken Warriors (yes, from Star Wars) wrestle the audience member out of the taping)
G.W.S.N.T.H.O.T.S.: We're introducing a new feature tonight, a complete original called This 7 Days In The Diety! Tonight's segment will be co-hosted by Jerry Falwell and a poster at Little Green Footballs with the handle BaldEagleNeverADhimmi. Hit that button.
The blue screen stops on an image of Jesus.
JERRY FALWELL: I have nothing but reverence for My Savior. May my personal interpretation of his affirmative-action-is-the-devil philsophy (Matthew 12:1 "It's reverse racism, dammit!") replace the 1st Amendment.
The blue screen stops on an image of an Islamic Crescent.
LITTLE GREEN FOOTBALLS POSTER BALDEAGLENEVERADHIMMI: There's nothing funny about Islam.
D.W.H.T.S.O.W.: (whispering) Read the joke off the cue card! Dennis Miller wrote it!
LGF Poster: No. The Koran was written by the Devil. Death before Dhimmitude.
D.W.H.T.S.O.W.: Er. Ya. Anyway, John Edwards was going to announce his bid for the White House in New Orleans, but saw an ambulance and started chasing it! When asked to comment, Edwards said "If you elect me, I'll guarantee The United States of AfghaniMexistan within months!"
AUDIENCE: (Silence)
D.W.H.T.S.O.W.: Thank you! And our interview guest this evening is Michelle Malkin, famous for her incomprehensible blog that no one reads! Michelle, get out here!
MICHELLE MALKIN: It's a pleasure to be here.
D.W.H.T.S.O.W.: Michelle, let's get straight to it. Would you agree that the Democrat Party is the 5th column of murderous jihadis, what with their championing of affordable health care and gay rights?
MICHELLE: Yes.
D.W.H.T.S.O.W.: That's our show! Stay tuned for an hour long special of Geraldo Rivera sleeping under a bridge while mumbling out troop locations!