The most frightening coming out announcement ever made happened Friday, after the revered financial guru, Suze Orman, outed herself to Deborah Solomon in an interview for Sunday’s New York Times Magazine.
Far more troubling than Britney’s haircut, was the Britneyesque comment Orman made which, itself, translated into global headlines. Not long ago, Ms. Spears told a legion of fans of a certain generation that she was a virgin, and thousands of young, gullible girls believed her.
From SFGate:
This week, Orman made a similar claim: "I’m a 55 year old virgin."
My initial reaction was genuine shock at the thought of such an under-used vagina. But does that make her a lesbian, I wondered.
After reading the article in question, I was left more bewildered than before. In the article, Orman does indeed come out as gay, acknowledging a seven year relationship with K.T. aka Kathy Travis. But in the same article, Orman still claims to be a virgin.
We all know that many, perhaps most, long-term relationships (and yes, seven years is pretty long-term in my books) sometimes do become sexless, leading to unhappiness, affairs or the sad realization that masturbation is as good as its ever going to get, but what about the beginning of a relationship?
In other words, are Suze and Kathy in a platonic relationship or does Orman not consider anything other than the penetration of an actual penis into a vagina sex? Not even Bill Clinton was that evasive.
At first, Orman told the New York Times that she was "in a relationship with life," in a sort of Clay Aiken-like denial, usually reserved for the likes of Ryan Seacrest or Ricky Martin. When Solomon pressed on, only then did Orman actually come out, announcing her apparently sexless, seven-year relationship with Kathy Travis.
"She must be the most hated woman in the lesbian community," said my friend Trace. "Can you imagine how furious her girlfriend must have been?"
Orman’s bizarre revelation made me think about how we define virginity. Is Suze Orman really a virgin, or is she a product of a self-hating group that continues to ensure that gay sexuality remain in the closet – even when the person owning it comes out. A strange variation of the distinction between conduct and content. The only places where this distinction really means anything is in the military and the priesthood. Indeed, there exist many a celibate priest that identifies as gay, and the God-fearing are encouraged to "love the sinner, hate the sin." And the United States military will still discharge a perfectly competent servicemember, recruitment deficits notwithstanding, for simply stating he or she is gay, even if they’ve never so much as touched a member of the same sex.
But is Suze Orman really governed by such absurdity? Does she truly believe her sexual propensities could jeopardize the financial products she dispenses – her books, television shows, infomercials etc.? Or is she joining the ranks of apologists, like Richard Simmons, who flaunt their homosexuality through self-ridicule or exaggerated stereotypes, straining their personas of any sexuality, so chubby housewives can dance to oldies to their heart’s content without being turned on by him or him threatening their out-of-shape husbands.
In my own cloud of disinterest, I had always bought into the notion that the breaking of the hymen was the classic definition of virginity broken, and essentially was relevant to females. In my world, it wasn’t necessarily a penis that broke the hymen, but a finger or toy just as easily. I wasn’t sure about a tongue – whether the hymen was close enough to the surface of the vagina opening for that, or whether a tongue was hard enough.
Trace scoffed at my hymen-centric focus anyway. As if oral sex -- enough to cause an orgasm but not penetrate the hymen -- could be considered anything other than sex.
I suppose a man or woman taking it up the butt for the first time could also be said to be "breaking their virginity," but I never really took any of this seriously or gave it more thought than that.
After all, who really cares about virginity other than people wanting to desexualize the mother of Jesus with a biological impossibility? Men who want to marry virgins and the women who want to please them, or save their virginity for their husbands? Parents too petrified to imagine their children having sex?
And how does anyone know for sure? Can a hymen not be broken by any number of things aside from, possibly, a hard tongue? An over-zealous probe by a gynecologist, perhaps? A deftly-fingered girl probing the contours of her body in the blossoming of her youth? Would a man intent on marrying a virgin, but not particularly experienced or well-endowed even know the difference? And what if, despite his best efforts, the hymen remained intact? How about virginity being reinvented with each new partner?
Suddenly I realized I’m not sure what a virgin is at all, other than that Madonna was once like one.
Considering those a little more comfortable with their sexuality and their choices, though, Orman’s bizarre claim seems all the more ridiculous when just last night, upon winning an Academy Award, Melissa Etheridge first kissed and then thanked her wife without the world coming to an end. I doubt any of the millions or billions watching assumed Etheridge was a virgin.
America still has a way to go. While there are plenty gay characters on network TV nowadays, the occasional kiss is about as far as they’ll go, and shows like "Queer Eye" perpetuate the myth that gay guys are more likely to be shopping with girlfriends, coaching straight guys on how to decorate and how to become metrosexuals than they are to be kicking their asses in sports, as many of my friends learnt the hard way.
Whether Suze has actually popped Kathy’s cherry, or whether the financial guru is dispensing abstinence in addition to financial guidance, or whether she is keeping her "box in a box" for her actual wedding night, we’ll have to just keep guessing, but as far as role models are concerned, perhaps Suze should pop back into the closet, and stay there.
Until she opens her box anyway.