Via ChugBleach.com
Adalai Stevenson, a man who was no stranger to running impossibly bad campaigns for president, once said, "People get the government they deserve." I've spent the last three hours hopelessly combing over this list of people running for the Republican nomination, and Stevenson was right and we're totally doomed. But that doesn't mean you can't laugh at the prospect of this country going down in flames, or speculate on which movie our charred hellscape of a future will resemble most.
The following is my flawed attempt to bring some wisdom and madness to how I see the Republican race for the nomination shaping up, which may send an entire generation of impressionable young minds staggering blindly away from politics forever and towards a dystopian future of nothing but shiny things, hard drugs, and Dance Dance Revolution.
Guess which candidate isn't going to win? It rhymes with John McCain.
Jump up on it.
1. Former Mayor Rudy Guiliani:
The front runner for the Republican nomination is a cross dressing former mayor of New York. And it'd be funny, except that he's kinda a fascist. The linked article involves waiting through an obnoxious ad on Salon, but it's worth it to find out that Rudy considers people who own ferrets the worst kind of deviant criminal.
2. Senator John McCain:
A recent poll found that most people would be almost as comfortable voting for a gay guy or a atheist as they would for someone who's 73 years old. Probably if they had included "a totally fucking insane 73 year old", it would have more likely made the nut. When not busy lecturing middle schoolers on the virtue of waiting for sex until marriage, John McCain spends his time trying to desperately figure out why nobody seems to like him anymore. Rumors mongers say he'll be announcing that he's running for president tonight on David Letterman, which assuming he doesn't punch an infant or anything, may prove adventitious or something.
3. Rep. Ron Paul
If the internet is to be believed, Ron Paul has the most number of MySpace friends of any Republican candidate running for the nomination, which is at this point as good an indication as any of who's going to be the next president. Which means either firebrand Republican youth have taken the curmudgeonly Paul to their collective government hating hearts, or as David Schmader puts it, the entire system, "jumps shark, rapes shark's corpse, feasts on shark." Either one could probably be true.
4. Former Governor Mitt Romney
Documents released from inside his campaign state that Mitt Romney feels his greatest weakness may be his perfect hair (no, really). Also, his great-great-grandfather was a polygamist, which spells trouble for voters concerned over, well, allegations of polygamy by a candidates family 150 years ago. Romney managed to give the most boring announcement speech in the history of anything, saying the word 'freedom' seven to eight times per sentence.
5. Rep. Duncan Hunter
Little known San Diego congressman who narrowly seems to have avoided a trip to prisonnow defines himself as being the unknown candidate who hates Mexican immigrants more than other, equally unknown people running for president. Hair less perfect than Romney, better than McCain.
6. Former Governor Mike Huckabee
A relatively popular, extremely conservative governor from Arkansas, everyone seemed to secretly believe that Mike Huckabee would come out of nowhere and win everything. It may still be a ways out, but that's probably not going to happen. Other than being "that one guy who lost all that weight",his website is called "Explore Huckabee", which for some reason strikes me as sounding somewhat homoerotic. Also, Huckabee is in band called "Capitol Offense", which is like The Minutemen or early Black Flag, except completely terrible and plays CCR covers.
7. Senator Sam Brownback
Best friends 4 ever with the Christian Right, yet also now somewhat vocal against the war. Witness his incredible commentary during the debate about funding stem cell research, and know that there's probably total certainty that he'll be our next president.
8. Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich
Despite not currently running for president, has picked up the valuable support of Chuck Norris, who isn't really ironically funny anymore. Seriously, his tears can't cure the fact that you're not clever or interesting for watching "Walker: Texas Ranger" reruns.
9. Rep. Tom Tancredo
"We will never be able to win in the clash of civilizations, if we don't know who we are. If Western civilization succumbs to the siren song of multiculturalism, I believe we're finished."
Neat.
0. and -7. Former Governors Jim Gilmore/Tommy Thompson
I've merged them into one person, because:
A) If it weren't for photographic proof that they exist, they could possibly be fictional.
B) Have no base of support outside their immediate families.
C) They could make a sitcom together, and it would be called "Two Unknown Former Governors Running For President For Absolutely No Reason, What the Fuck?", and nobody would watch it because it would be worse than being punched in the face a thousand times.
The only thing I can say for certainty is, when the Democrats finally come to their senses and get behind the unstopable power of the Joe Biden Express, one of these absolutely terrible people will be president. Only time and the cruel, cruel hands of fate we've all brought on ourselves will tell for sure.