The best ever would have to be the Colbert one, but the one I'm talking about is theorhetical and exists only in the confines of my obnoxious little mind.
I didn't see the real one, but I've read the highlights. It sounds pretty funny, and I have to give Bush's writer credit for coming up with some good stuff, and I even have to give Bush credit for being a good sport enough to deliver them. It does take some guts to make jokes like the following about yourself...
"A year ago my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice president had shot someone. Ah, those were the good ol' days."
or declaring that his memoirs would be a pop-up book. That's funny, and I give Bush props for that much.
Is that enough being nice to him to create the illusion that I'm fair and balanced? Good! Now let's let the savagery begin!
Here are a few excerpts from the Press Dinner that took place in my head. (Think of this as that scourge of television, the clip-show. Those always suck, so that takes the pressure off of me to come up with anything really good). This may amuse only about five of you and piss off the rest, but I'll leave it up to you which group you fall into...
George W. Bush: "Ladies and gentlemen, this morning, I was talking to the Vice President, Dick Cheney... I call him Dick... well, everybody calls him Dick, really. People tell me that's short for 'Richard,' but I always thought it was because he's so reminiscent of a stubby, flaccid penis retreating from the cold air into a pair of soiled khaki pants!
rimshot!
I don't know what 'reminiscent' means, but that's what it says here on the card they told me to read.
And hey, speaking of flaccid penises, Rush Limbaugh meant to be here tonight, but he's recovering from an injury. He got carpal tunnel syndrome from unscrewing Oreos, so he's off on one of his Dominican Republic child-sex-tourism trips. Rush got himself a new girlfriend, but she almost broke up with him. She told him, "I'm not sure I want to date you anymore. Everybody's saying you're a pedophile."
And Rush said, "Pedophile? Hey, that's an awful big word for a ten-year-old to be using!"
rimshot!
I thought 'Rush' was his nickname, 'cuz of all his drug use, but it turns out that's his actual birth name. I don't like using birth names, so I went back to calling him the nickname I made up for him, "Drug-Addled Loudmouth With A Weight Problem and a History Of Disasterous Relationships."
rimshot!
Anyhow, Dick was giving me the body count from our coalition of the willing in Iraq yesterday, and he told me that two Brazillian soldiers were killed. When he told me that, I was shrieking and flapping my arms up and down and running in circles like a frightened schoolchild... so, I didn't hear him at first.
rimshot!
Anyhow, once I stopped, I asked Dick what he said again, and he told me that two Brazillian soldiers were killed. I got upset 'cuz I didn't know how many a brazillion was... it sounds like it's more than eleventy-hundred! But then Dick explained to me that Brazil is some kind of country somewhere, like Mexico or Africa, and so I went back to doing what I usually do when they read me the body count list: making fun of the dead soldiers' names. Heh heh... they have names like 'Hey-zoos' and stuff. Poor people sure are funny!
rimshot!
I do get confused pretty easily, though. At least that's what my gynecologist says. Some people say I have a maturity problem, too, but my tee-ball coach assures me that's not so.
Katherine Harris was also supposed to be here tonight, but she was tragically thrown under a bus. Y'know, I've always wondered, given the expression that she uses for a smile, how are we supposed to know when she drinks some sour milk?
Speaking of sour milk, it's just as well that Ann Coulter doesn't have any tits. She was supposed to be here tonight, too, but she had a previous commitment of being a comfort woman to the KISS Army! Hey, somebody's gotta support the troops, because me and my administration sure aren't. Been to Walter Reed lately? Dick Cheney said he's going to take up hunting there, because it's got more wildlife running around than his usual game preserve. We're taking care of that, though. I've just hired a new guy to be the head of our veteran's benefits program. Nice fella, name of Jack Diddley.
rimshot!
Anyhow, I did have a little moral conflict last week. It seems that we've discovered a deposit of oil that we could drill for... but, it's under Ronald Reagan's grave! What's a Republican to do?
rimshot!
Then special guest Zell Miller was brought out of retirement, because, face it, there's nobody funnier than Zell Miller. Nobody's quite certain if he was telling jokes or just fading into senile dementia, as he tends to do, but here's a clip:
Zell Miller - "Hey, is this ‘Hee-Haw'? Whar's ol' Buck Owens an' his Buckaroos? Whar's the Hager Brothers? Bring them boys out and we'll do us some ol' timey stompin' ‘round! Them Hee Haw boys, they get up to some serious pickin' an' fiddlin'! And when they've done got their underpants adjusted right, sometimes they even play some music. Yew got a camera goin', so this is Hee-Haw, ain't it?"
Emcee Billy Crystal (who was deemed safe and vanilla enough, and, besides, he swore a loyalty oath) - "No, Senator, it's not."
Zell Miller - "WHAR'S MAH BANJO? WHAR IS MY DAGBLASTED BANJO?! I don't get my banjo right NOW, I'm gon' set to cussin' like a three-fingered shop teacher! Banjo-banjo-BANJO! EEEEEYAH!
Billy Crystal - "Senator Miller, please, calm down..."
Zell Miller - "Ah don't need to calm down! No sir! That ol' John Kerry, that's who needs to calm down! Tryin' to run against our president when there's a war on! He's a Yankee traitor, he is! Ah'm gone chase him down with my kaiser blade! Some folks call it a sling blade, but I calls it a kaiser blade, mm-hmm. Ah'm so mad. That ol' John Kerry, he... he voted against givin' me a PONY! That's what he did, durn his sorry hide! Ah'm gone WHUP him! Ah'll tan his hide fer ‘im! Ah'm gone git out my Lester Maddox axe handle an' crack him one in the crack! Then he'll have himself two cracks! What yew think about that, yew purty-lookin' city boy?"
Billy Crystal - "Senator, can we get back to the issues?"
Zell Miller - "Ah ain't got no issues. Unless you're talkin' ‘bout Field And Stream. I got those goin' back to 1972. Eight whole years ago! I just renewed my prescription an' got me one of them fish whut you hang up on the wall, an' you put batt'ries in it and what-not, an' it sings. Ever' time my granddaughter Essie May sees it, she sets to stompin' an' clappin' an' droolin' with sheer delight at the wonder of it. I'm gone get her one for her birthday next year, when she turns forty-six.
I got me another granddaughter, name o' Lynndie. She got in a little trouble over in Iraq, ‘cuz she was takin' pitchers in prison with them prisoner fellers, an' apparently she was smokin' cigarettes in the pitchers, an' that got them liberals all fired-up upset! But even they had to agree that she does serve a valuable purpose, Lynndie does. She answers that question that everybody in the world wants to know, which is, ‘What would that kid from Deliverance look like in a Beatles wig?' Yeah, she ain't so great at mindin' prisoners, but you oughtta hear that ol' gal pick a banjo! Eee-YEEE!"
Billy Crystal - "Um, sir, we're here to discuss George Bush..."
Zell Miller - "Yew wanna know ‘bout George Bush, then I'll tell ya! Gee Dubya Bush is the man to protect us from them Isalami fellers, the ones what's got terroristic fibrosis! He's the greatest military genius since Napoleon Bunnyfart hisself! He'll perteck mah grandbabies, Hooter, Lurlinda, Septimus, Waddel, Poodankus, an' Wanda-June, who we don't discuss much out of pity for that thing what's wrong with her eye. Runs like a Days Inn toilet, it does, and ain't nothin' the veterinarian can do 'bout it. Anyhow, ah wanna know that when mah family sits down to our Thanksgiving Dinner of pork-nipples in milk gravy, troutcake, an' tall glasses of mayonnaise that it ain't gone git interrupted by some crazy godless Mormon extremist who's tryin' to start up some SLAPSTICK COMEDY! Ol' John Kerry, he'd like to give them terrorists a nice big kiss an' a chain o' daisies, but ol' Gee Dub, he ain't havin' none o' that. Yew cain't trust that ol' John Kerry. The second your back is turned, he'll punch you in the stomach! He ain't like ol' George Bush, who'll look you right in the eye when he kicks you in the ass! George Bush will put those terrorists' fannyholes in his book of Things To Kick and highlight it with a bright color!
Billy Crystal (getting so worked up he forgot the loyalty oath) - "Then why did he get so easily distracted from the fight against terrorists and go into Iraq?"
Zell Miller - "It don't matter none of he went into the wrong country. Ain't like we gonna run out of bombs! We got more bombs than a thalidomide-dosed hog's got titties! Ah trust ol' Gee-Dubya. He sets me at ease. He's my laxative. He's makin' America a more suitable environment for Courtney Love.
By the way, 'Iraq' is the past tense of 'I wreck,' and 'Iran' is the past-perfect-part-of-nipple of 'I done runned.' See, you ain't dealin' with no stupid feller here, I know my geometry!
An' ah'll tell you some more ‘bout George Bush. He's a regular type fella. He don't make you feel stupid ‘cuz you can't understand what he's sayin'. I don't think the president should be smarter than the average American, because what kind of representation is that? John Kerry an' all his big words... that's just gone make people down in Piddleshit, Alabama feel inferior, like they oughtta be readin' a book or somethin', like a girl! George Bush makes ‘em feel comfortable an' brings all them smarty-pants folks down to the same level. He's like methadone for people who are hooked on phonics. An' as far as that walk he does, he's only doin' that to make fun of somebody.
He's not a phony, like that Massa-two-shits liberal Kerry. George Bush is a natural man, and it's time for our country to answer the call of nature. When nature calls, buddy, I tell ya, ol' Zell Miller is what shows up!
Besides, ol' Gee-Dubya's got him a dawg or two, like that Barney. He named him after Barney Fife, who's the same feller that ol' Gee Dubya gets his foreign policy and wartime tactical expertise from.
Ah like dawgs. Just the sight of a dawg fills me with admiration. Makes me wanna wave a flag, toot a horn, drop my britches, an' fire off a rocket!
George Bush knows how to handle things, yes sir! Delegate, delegate, make somebody else repsonsible! That's his motto! I been in his office, and there ain't even no "In" box on his desk. That's why he likes golf so much - ‘cuz the ball doesn't come back at ya! That's good leadership, there. Keepin' somebody else between him and every scandal helps him maintain his integrity, just the same way riding a moped while wearing a bow-tie an' bunny slippers helps you maintain your dignity. GOL-DURNIT, THE ITCHIN' IS BACK! Whar's me some lotion? Or some bacon grease?
MARY! BRING ME MAH BACON! MARY!
An' if we have bacon, we're gone need dessert. Hey, ain't we got no pie around here? PIE, DINGBLASTIT! Bring me some pie an' somebody to shoot at! Who's them fellers with the britches on?
Billy Crystal - "Those are cameramen."
Zell Miller - "Well, you tell 'em to point them Yankee cannons of theirs at somebody else, afore I run mah whittlin' knife into 'em!
AH'M GONE TAKE OFF MAH BRITCHES, AN' YEW CAIN'T STOP ME, YEW YANKEE FOOLS!"
At that point, Zell was "escorted out" by secret service personel.
Then they brought out Zell Miller's son, Dennis, who's apparently supposed to be some kind of comedian, but, try as I might, I couldn't find anything he said that was funny. Just some rambling stuff about To Kill A Mockingbird, Topo Gigio, Who's The Boss?, Hungry Hungry Hippos, The Vicar of Wakefield, and a reference to something that apparently happened in the Scorpions' video for "Rock You Like A Hurricane" or something. It was all just a bunch of pop culture references strung together passed off as jokes, and I didn't think they were that funny. Dennis, however, amused himself greatly, bouncing up and down and giggling at everything he said while making this face like a methed-amped Jack-O'-Lantern. It was kind of embarrassing to watch.
Luckily, the ghost of Bill Hicks showed up and kicked his ass, then took over the mic and declared that even though he's been dead for a dozen years, he doesn't even need to update any of his material, because despite his best efforts, nobody's learned a goddamned thing.
(I'm just not arrogant enough to try to put words into Bill Hicks' mouth, but if you've never read him, you've been wasting your time with me when you coulda been
here.
I think I've already made this thing long enough... feel free to add your own made-up Press Corps Dinner clips (before Fox News does it for ya!) :)