I hate Maldova. True, I don't know where that is and have never met any Moldavians but after what those bastards did to the Maldivians, I just can't accept them.
Oh, you liberal PC tyrants will chime in, it's not right to hate a people you know nothing about. There are millions of Maldovans... or maybe hundreds of thousands... how can I just condemn them as if they were all of one mind? Even if they did attack and suppress the Madlivians, they are people, diverse and wonderful. Well, to you PC liberals, I say, phooey.
You conservatives will condemn me for hating a distant, unknown population when tradition and precedent clearly shows that one is supposed to hate thy neighbor. I mean what would the point of a Palestian-Bolivian conflict be? How could they ever kill each other. Israel - Nepal conflict ("Come on down from that mountain so I can kick your ass! I can barely breath up there.")... Shia-Mormon conflict ("Only four wives? You heretics!")... Inuit-Intuit conflict ("That tax software sucks! I want to deduct the cost of my sled dogs and this dumb interview keeps talking about miles per gallon!")
Then some of you smarty-pants will criticize me: in this day an age, I could find out all I need to know about Moldova by looking in Wikipedia. Listen, Shakespeare and Cervantes didn't have Wikipedia and look how great they were. Einstein: no Wikipedia. There was Cervantes, writing the first novel (Don Quixote, you ignoramus) without knowing the Lady Murasaki (Tale of Genji, you ethnocentric, Western-biased, neo-knucklehead) had already written a novel in Japan 300 years before.
See what ignorance brings! If Cervantes had Wikipedia, he would have been like, see, she did that already, what's the point... been there, done that. And a great work of literature never would have come to the world.
If Cervantes were alive today he would no doubt endorse my refusal to spend 15 seconds online and find out something about Moldova -- any "fact" at all, even where it is -- before call for the death and murder of all it's citizens. Why would Cervantes endorse this? Because he was kidnapped by pirates, lost a hand in an idiotic imperial war, was thrown in jail for being bad at math. Any man who went through all that would be bitter as hell. I know, he doesn't seem bitter in Don Quijote -- in fact he seems to represent the profound depth of the human soul by living so full of humor and good will despite the many injustices he suffered in his lifetime. That's what it seems like, but no. Phooey!
But, some of you will say, Cervantes certainly availed himself of all the information he had available. True, no Wikipedia but he certainly was an educated and informed man, given what was available at the time.
I say no. If we was so well-informed, why didn't he hire himself a damn editor. That book is too damn long. You could cut about 50 percent out of that bad boy and the story would work a lot better. He didn't listen to no one. I mean, I bet Lope de Vega was like, Cervantes, man, keep it short. You're meandering too much -- I mean a whole chapter about Sancho's donkey -- you could cut that shit.
By the way, the reason he couldn't make appropriate edits was that he was speaking the language of the ghetto, according to Newt Gingrich anyway. Newt. Any woman who names her boy Newt is asking for trouble,
Now some of you who have access to a map may point out that the Moldovans could not have possibly suppressed the Maldives given that one is a minor former republic of the Soviet Union in Europe and the other is a archipelago of islands in the Indian Ocean. There is SOME, I repeat, SOME validity to that point. That's as far as I'll go.
Wouldn't want to get on the wrong plane with those two. End up on the beach in long underwear and a parka. Gate 1 to Moldova, Gate 2 to the Maldives.
In short, as my man Cervantes would have said, "Que Viven Los Maldovianos!"
Damn, he sold me out. Man of La Mancha, dude, you suck.