Click, close your eyes, and listen -- just listen -- for the next three minutes.
As awful as that is to listen to, it's not as bad as it could be. The original version of this 911 recording is a full minute longer than the edited version above.
Okay, now that I've gotten your attention, I'm going to talk, on this Mother's Day 2007, about children and DV. For all of you who have kids in your life -- kids you work or volunteer with, kids you babysit, kids in your neighborhood, kids in your family -- I hope that this provides you with some useful information. If nothing else, I hope that this heightens your awareness of how DV affects kids, and what you can do to help if you suspect a child is being victimized by DV.
The Statistics
It's difficult to find recent studies on children and DV. The numbers I'm going to share here are around ten years old. These come from the Family Violence Prevention Fund. [Fair use excerpt -- for more, go here (PDF).
- Studies suggest that between 3.3 million and 10 million children [in the United States] are exposed to domestic violence annually.
- Slightly more than half of female victims of intimate violence live in households with children under the age of 12.
Unsurprisingly, there is a high correlation between DV and child abuse. Studies show that somewhere between 50% and 70% of men who abuse their partners also abuse their children/their partner's children.
Effects of DV on Children (source: my employer's DV training materials)
Children are affected by DV based on several factors:
- their interpretation of the experience (age-influenced)
- how they have learned to cope with stress
- the availability of a support system
- their ability to accept support and assistance from adults
Some typical effects seen in children affected by DV:
Emotional
- feeling guilty for not stopping the abuse
- grieving for family and personal losses
- conflicting feelings toward parents
- fear of abandonment
- anger at the violence and chaos in their lives
- depression
- shame
Cognitive
- believe they are somehow responsible for the violence
- blame others for their own behavior
- believe that violence is acceptable behavior
- unable to ask for what they need or want
- inability to trust
- rigid sex-based stereotypes
Behavioral
- act out vs. withdraw
- overachiever vs. underachiever
- refusal to go to school
- caretaking, parent-substitute
- rigid defenses (aloof, sarcastic)
- 'black and white' thinking
- excessive attention seeking, extreme behavior
- bedwetting and nightmares
Social
- isolation
- relationships are usually stormy, start intensely and end abruptly
- poor conflict resolution and anger management skills
- excessive social involvement (to avoid home life)
- engages in exploitative relationships either as victim or perpetrator
- play with peers can be very rough
Physical
- somatic complaints (stomachache, headache), frequent illness
- nervous, anxious behavior (children of DV homes are frequently misdiagnosed as ADD or ADHD and inappropriately medicated)
- tired, lethargic
- desensitization to pain
- poor personal hygiene
- self-abuse
How Children Ask for Help (source: my employer's DV training materials)
Kids obviously don't have the same ability that adults do, to describe what's going on in their lives and ask for help. Below are some ways that you can identify potential problems in a child's home.
Infants
- sleep disturbances, such as sleeping so much the child has to be awakend to eat, or not sleeping resfully
- feeding disturbances (always or never wanting to eat)
- continual fussing and crying, inability to be comforted
- easily startled
Toddlers and Preschoolers
- Chronic stomachaches/headaches, nausea
- night terrors, difficulty going to bed
- inability to be comforted, general sadness
- meanness, not knowing how to play
Elementary Age
- problems at school such as ADD-type behavior, school phobia, problems with peers, inability to share
- frequent injuries and reckless behavior
- fearfulness, separation anxiety from parent(s)
- regressive behaviors such as thumbsucking or bedwetting
- aggressive behavior, cruelty to other children or animals
Junior High/High School
- destruction of property
- truancy
- aggressive or violent behavior
- running away
- substance abuse
- suicide talk, threats, or attempts
- nightmares
- keeping a weapon
- depression and isolation (no friends, no social activities)
Because children can go through 'phases' where they can exhibit some or all of the above behaviors during normal development, a good rule of thumb is that if the troublesome behavior continues for more than a month, it may be more than just a 'phase' and the child may need help.
What To Do If You Suspect a Child You Know Lives in an Abusive Home
This is my personal advice and what I would do if confronted with a child I had concerns about: I would call my local or the National Domestic Violence Hotline and talk to someone knowledgeable for guidance.
Whatever you do, though, don't do nothing. The first time I posted that recording of Lisa up above in the intro, in one of the Pretty Bird Woman House diaries, someone posted a comment saying that he was unable to listen to more than a few seconds of the tape. My reply was that Lisa had not had the option of turning it off. Kids can't protect themselves in these situations and they can't rely on their parents to protect them. So if you know a kid that you think needs help, do something.
Some useful links/further reading/resources:
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Family Violence Prevention Fund
National Center for Children Exposed to Violence
Endnote: This is what I intend to be the first in an irregular diary series on DV and DV-related issues. I can't promise that all of them will start off quite as dramatically as this one did, but I'll do what I can.
Happy Mother's Day. Now go and hug your kids.