(crossposted at BlueGrassRoots)
(Longtime lurker, First time Diary!)
This Saturday, I made my much anticipated field trip to the Answers in Genesis Creation Museum, a $27 million monstrosity devoted to religious fanaticism, disguised as "science".
Two of my heretical friends and I ventured an hour north up I-75 from Lexington, just short of Cincinnati, to discover a museum full of shocking idiocy and unintentional humor.
Early in the museum, the visitor is given advice on the proper mind frame to have for your visit: "Don’t think, just listen and believe". As you can see in the picture below, Human Reason is the enemy and God’s Word is the hero. Descartes represents Human Reason, saying "I think, therefore I am". But God tells us there no need to waste your beautiful mind, for God says "I am that I am".
So logic, reason and science are Bad; blind faith is Good.
"Reason" says the planets formed many billions of years ago. God’s Word says only 6,000 years ago.
"Reason" says the evolution began 14 billion years ago. God’s Word says creation began 6,000.years ago.
After showing the "days" (literally days) of creation, we venture into the 6th day of creation, when we meet Adam and Eve. A video recreation below shows how Adam was created. In about 3 seconds, a burst of wind swept up funnel of dirt and, "wah-la", it turned into Adam. Oh, and the actor playing Adam? He happens to be a naughty, naughty, naughty boy.
We then venture into the recreation of the Garden of Eden, where we get to meet the Beastmaster himself. Here, a creatively covered up Adam pets the friendly animals of the garden. Oh, and there’s no need to be afraid, because all of the animals at this time were like Disney cartoon characters. They did not bite, sting, or even defecate for that matter. Even the T-Rexes were playful and gay. Adam even gave them all names! How cute!
Unfortunately, there was no display of Adam riding a Lion, much like The Beastmaster, the film that I believe was based on Adam’s life story. This will disappoint many of the "Christian Academy" students here in Kentucky attending the museum for a field trip, for their psycho "Biology" textbookshave supercool illustrations of the Lion-riding-Beastmaster/Adam next to bears and brontosauruses.
Yes, the Garden of Eden was a Disney wonderland, even with dinosaurs! One of the most interesting discoveries of the museum is that The Flintstones was not merely a children’s’ cartoon, but rather a realistic depiction of man’s early interaction with their dinosaur friends. Never mind those foolish heathen scientists who say that humans came some 60 million years after the extinction of dinosaurs. The first image the visitor receives as he/she enters the museum is Eve/Pebbles Flintstone frolicking with her pet dinosaur, Dino. No worries for Pebbles, because this "velaciraptor" is a playful vegetarian pet here to serve you and be your buddy.
At the end of the museum, we see Fred Flintstone’s riding lawnmower, otherwise known as a Triceratops, one would assume. Here we see a father, after a long day of infecting his child with propaganda, letting his son play "Bam-Bam Rubble" on the riding mower (which my friend Jon called a "Jesus Horse". I like that.).
Here we see some more child abuse, as Billy Ray shows his kids some mind-numbingly stupid explanation for how dinosaurs were around 4000 years ago. Excellent parenting skills!
And what about those silly "scientists" who say dinosaurs were long gone by the time of humans? Here, we see two paleontologists coming up with different conclusions. The wise white paleontologist doesn’t need that whole "carbon-dating" bullshit, for he only needs the Bible to tell him how old these fossils are. Meanwhile, the Asian paleontologist uses all that so-called "logic", "reason" and "scientific method" to come to the ridiculous conclusion that these fossils are from many millions of years ago. Whatever, Confucius! Put down those science books and pick up the Bible, that’s all you need to get to the truth!
But back to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, where we discover the garden was like a luxury sex spa/vacation retreat of sorts. Here we see Adam and Eve in a pre-coitus setting amongst the foliage. Unfortunately for Eve, Adam is a Ken doll.
They also take their sexcapades into Hugh Hefner’s grotto, apparently. Oh, those kinky kids! But the fun stops quickly when that silly bitch Eve pushes the evil devil berries on Adam. As was the case with Eve’s offer of aquatic fornication, Adam simply could not refuse.
This is where the Disney fantasy land turns into a mix of Trainspotting, Deliverance and To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything. We are taken down a dark hallway showing us pictures of the horrors that humanity would now face, such as carnivorous wolves, Hiroshima, heroine junkies and the graves of American troops killed because of a lying president (don’t worry wingnuts, you can blame the Clenis). There is also the inexplicable bloodbath pictured below, sure to frighten children that aren’t already desensitized by the tasteful violence in The Passion of the Christ.
We then see a serious of signs showing us that snakes now have venom, lions and T-Rexes now bite and eat meat, and all are now subject to the then unknown horrors of death, aging, disease, pain, conflict, poison, suffering and burdensome work.
With all of that bummer shit going down, at least humankind was given weed. You’ve had a hard day out in the fields Adam, take a load off and smoke a bowl.
Then things get a little weird. We get to Cain and Abel, and one must ask the question, where did Cain get his wife? Well, the museum has a perfectly legitimate answer, and as a lifelong Kentuckian who is well aware of false stereotypes about our state, I can only cringe when I type this.
As you can see in the sign above, incest is really no big deal at all, since all humans are related! Also, since there wasn’t a lot of sin happening back in those days, what with no gay marriage and anal copulation, the effects of incest just weren’t there. Here we see Cain’s pregnant 14 year old wife taking a cigarette break outside her trailer. Get R Done!
The kids seeing the next exhibit are the presented with Cain’s murder of Abel, for which there’s not really much explanation at all. Here, a kid watches in horror as Cain lets out a guttural roar after popping a cap in Abel’s sorry ass. Another thumb’s up for bad parenting!
We then meet the prophets that follow, including a wonderful performance of a Christian Country song by the animatronic "Old Testament Jew Jamboree Band". We even see ancient biblical scrolls that we snatched out of Saddam Hussein’s evil hands in our "War to Smite Those Who Attacked us on 9/11". As Jesus proclaimed in 2003, "America .... Fuck Yea!"
We then move on to a wonderfully stupid section of the museum, dealing with the Great Flood, Noah’s Ark and the Holy Grand Canyon. Here we see Noah’s animatronic slave labor hammering away at the Ark. Too bad those slaves didn’t get to actually board the Ark when the flood came. Suckers!
When the Ark was completed, God then decided to put pairs of each animal on earth under a hypnotic trance. They all sleepwalked onto Ark: elephants, T-Rexes, Brontosauruses, lions, wolves...you name it. But no, they did not prey on the chickens and pigs once inside, for they where under God’s orders to behave. Unfortunately, there was not much discussion of the many billions of species of insects that did "creepeth" onto the Ark. Go figure.
Then came the flood, which we see in a dramatic video recreation. The earth is seen being swept by a tsunami that lasts only a few days, but covers the entire earth. The Ark is swept away as the poor suckers left behind plead for help.
Noah’s family laughs hardily at the rest of humanity’s fate inside at their dinner table. They also rejoice in knowing that they will repopulate the earth after the flood with some more...... you guessed it: HOT INCEST ACTION!!!
After 6 months, the Arc comes to a rest, leaving the animals free to fuck their brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers for many generations to come. But wait, how did all of those animals not starve to death after 6 months at the sea?
Now, now, remember young one. You’re not supposed to use all that "logic" and "reason" gobbledygook that those egghead scientists keep telling you to do. Just listen to the Bible and BELIEVE.
But the flood did much more than just make the world safe for incest again. Why, in just a few days, it made the Grand Canyon! That’s right, over a few days the Great Flood proceeded to change our landscapes, giving us the mountains and canyons and landscape that those stupid geologists would probably tell you took billions of years. As if!
The visitors are then given a horribly mind numbing film presentation of the Christ years, but the fun part begins after those mean Jews in the Mel Gibson movie kill him. Yes, after Christ died for everyone but Patti Smith’s sins, we see mankind begin to question God’s Word. As you can see, people began to use that whole "logic" and "reason" bullshit again to ATTACK God’s Word.
The following charts are really worth a look. They detail the history of mankind beginning to question, destroy, discredit, criticize, poison and replace God’s Word. Whereas almost all of mankind is taught that Enlightenment and Science brought progress to Mankind, here we find that these were merely evil "progressives" that were hell-bent on destroying our world. Such "infidels" as Voltaire are put in their place as devilish crackpots, while the visitor is assured that Biblical Scholars have disproved all of these crazy scientists of the last few thousand years with their talk of "evolution" and "incest causes birth defects" and whatnot.
Here we see the great William Jennings Bryan, fighting valiantly to keep the evils of evolution and science out of our public schools in the Scopes Monkey Trial. Alas, our great hero was unsuccessful. Humanity continued to banish God from our public square. And what horrific hell has this brought us to?
The funniest section of our museum, that’s what.
We walk into a dark, dirty neon lit hallway. Some hoodlum kids decided to graffiti the walls with their secular progressive propaganda that Bill-O has warned us about. There is even rampant littering, with newspaper strewn all over the ground. Don’t those kids have any respect anymore? Also, a menacing plastic mouse looks over us, another sign of the Godless mess of a world we’ve created.
On the walls are a series on horrific headlines and stories cut from our Godless Liberal Media publications.
Gay Marriage! Abortion! Evolution in the Schools! Science! School Shootings! (Yes, gay marriage is literally equated to mass murder, how festive!)
Oh, how the youth have strayed from God! Here we see some slacker in front of his computer screen, rolling a doobie while he downloads porn and IM’s with Representative Mark Foley (he was a Democrat, right?). We also see a teenage girl talking on her cell phone. We’re not really told why this is evil, but.....she must be talking about getting abortions with all of her girlfriends, It’s now the "hip" thing for secular progressive teens to do.
Lastly, I was presented with two signs that gave me some hope. The first one? I hope it’s true. The second one? Perhaps some secular progressive within the museum staff has a sense of humor.
In all seriousness, while it’s fun to laugh at these idiots, the parents that take their kids to this museum are committing child abuse. There is no other way to put it. To present this idiocy to them as "science" and blatantly brainwash their kids by entertaining them with cool animatronic dinosaurs while they absorb these ridiculous stories is a goddamned crime. And on their way out, they could purchase a DVD from the visitor’s store that will help them continue this abuse at home.
My friends disagreed with me, but I think that most adults that went through the museum probably have less faith in this creation bullshit than they used to. To witness such obvious, childish propaganda and not think to yourself, "God, this is complete nonsense", seems almost impossible to me. But then again, maybe I’m overestimating my fellow Kentuckians (also Ohio and Indiana). After all, I was about 8 when I stopped believing in this crap.
Nevertheless, it was 2 hours of pure laughter and Ed Wood/Rudy Ray Moore style entertainment. God Bless the Creation Museum, and God Bless My Old Kentucky Home!
(crossposted at BlueGrassRoots)