Don Surber is the staff neocon on the editorial board of one of two competing newspapers printed, sold, and distributed in my hometown of Charleston, WV.
Like countless other rightwing pundits Mr. Surber is fairly clever in the many ways he regularly distorts facts to peddle fiction. But his appeal has dwindled locally to entertaining all but the most delusional and/ or woefully uninformed radical right hardliners. Thus his conservative-leaning newspaper drowns while competitor spparently kicks along quite well.
Daily Mail circulation dropped from 35,076 in February 2004 to 23,985 in January 2005. In that same time, Gazette circulation jumped slightly, peaking at more than 52,000 source
Normally I ignore Surber's radical right revisionist rumination (for obvious reasons). However, because his June 14, 2007 editorial is the classic example of Surberspeak, I've decided to deconstruct his latest line-by-line.
Check out the image of the hard core Karl-Aid addict below while you're at it.
His op-ed piece begins with the title:
No-confidence vote shows no competence
Democrats fell apart quickly upon regaining power
by Don Surber
So he sacrificed a catchy title to go straight for a revisionist frame.
Revisionist because that "no confidence" vote's failure actually demonstrates that there are still just enough Republicans in congress to continue to shield the Bush-Cheney administration from the abject embarrassment of impeaching Attourniquet Gerbil Alberto Gonzales.
REMEMBER Fizzies? They were little pills that instantly turned a glass of water into a knock-off of Kool-Aid.
They were advertised as the "drink kids like to make."Apparently not. The brand went on hiatus for 30 years, although an attempted comeback is on the way.
Here Surber uses "Fizzies" as a cute literary device to serve up some of that brackish Karl-Aid he's been slurping for years.
Watching Democrats run Congress is a lot like watching Fizzies work. There is a brilliant burst of bubbles as the Fizzie hits the water. But then it quickly disappears in the opposite of an explosion, not unlike a meteor hitting the Earth.
And watching Republicans run the last Congress was like watching flies doing the backstroke in a giant pitcher of Karl-Aid.
Democrats grandly took office in January, installing the first woman House speaker amid much fanfare.
America may have just been relieved that the House pages would be more secure than under team Hastert/ Foley/ Capito.
San Francisco Democrat Nancy Pelosi promised the most ethical Congress in history.
And because of her success getting earmark legislation passed late last month things have already begun to change for the better
She promised open debate on the issues. She promised to get six things done in the first 100 hours of taking office.
Which she did. With an average of 31% support from the Republican side of the House.
H.R. 1: Implementing the 9/11 Commission Recommendations Act of 2007
H.R. 2: Fair Minimum Wage Act of 2007
H.R. 3: Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act of 2007
H.R. 4: Medicare Prescription Drug Price Negotiation Act of 2007
H.R. 5: College Student Relief Act of 2007
H.R. 6: CLEAN Energy Act of 2007
Her first move was to try to get Jack Murtha elected as the No. 2 Democrat in the House. Murtha was an unindicted co-conspirator in the Abscam scandal.
The ABSCAM case was resolved years ago, so calling Murtha an unindicted co-conspirator at this late date reduces Surber's use of the phrase "unindicted co-conspirator" to a lamely twisted euphemism for "presumed innocent". Unless, of course, Bush has signed away that constitutional right as well.
Next, she limited debate and amendments on her legislative pets.
Whining about Ms. Pelosi's use of the same tactics that Republicans used during the last session when they were in control just makes Surber look well, er-nevermind. You've already caught him slurpin' the Karl-Aid above. No use rubbing it in.
Finally, her first 100 hours turned out to be about a month, as she redefined this not as normal time but as legislative time, which turned out to be about five hours a day.
Oh, and those five-day weeks she promised?
That turned out to be a few days in session a week as Congress took off for federal holidays, snow days (which cancelled two hearings on global warming) and the like.
And yet somehow she miraculously got her six-in '06 legislation passed.
Then Congress went on spring break.
Under Speaker Pelosi, the House of Representatives has worked like the caricature of a union shop.
Yep, just like a union shop, they got the job done so they earned some time off. Just like God reportedly did on the Seventh Day (Genesis 2:1-2).
Democrats keep challenging the weakest administration since Jimmy Carter, and incredibly, prove to be even weaker.
Now Slurper wants us to believe that the Bush Administration is weak even though there are still enough Republicans in Congress to keep him from being impeached and Cheney from being prosecuted over their business venture in Iraq.
Reid and Pelosi failed to get a timetable placed on withdrawing troops from Iraq, even after larding up vital defense appropriation with $20 billion in pork-barrel projects.
Slurper would love to shift the blame for the failures in Iraq onto the Democratically led Congress but thanks to Bush's rubberstamping rightwingers, and despite Democratic efforts, there's no plan to leave the failed occupation, no plan to rebuild Iraqi infrastructure and no plan to stand up more Iraqis so our troops can stand down.
It was Don's neocon congresscritters who have let Bush off the hook with no "plan B" if the surge fails. Note how neocon Don failed to mention that the Democratic leader in Congress only appropriated enough to budget the occupation until September. So don't drink the Karl-Aid, folks because there is a timetable automatically built into that bill after all!
Next came the Amnesty bill (or as proponents called it, the Immigration Reform bill), which failed to garner more than 45 votes, even with Republican support.
Try and pin that on Pelosi all you like, but in fact it's Bush's proposal that keeps fizzling.
Finally, on Monday, the Senate tried for the first time ever to have a no-confidence resolution against Alberto Gonzales, the Mike Brown of attorneys general.
And the Senate failed. Even with Republican support.
The bottom line is that Gonzales is a GOP travesty whom REPUBLICANS should be begging Bush to fire instead of continually undercutting Democratic efforts to show him the door.
Public support of the Democratic Congress is a Fizzie, too. The Los Angeles Times released a poll this week that showed only 27 percent of Americans approve of the job Congress is doing, while 65 percent disapprove.
Last April, the same newspaper poll showed a Republican Congress with 28 percent approval and 61 percent disapproval.
It took Republicans 12 years to dissolve. Democrats have done it in less than six months.
I congratulate them on their efficiency.
Wait a second. Why is this Karl-Aid Kid totally ignoring those who are really responsible?
Isn't it curious that a media wonk like Surber failed to notice that Congress's approval rating began to drop only after May 1, when Bush vetoed the Iraq war funding bill that set a timetable for the withdrawal of U.S. troops. That sudden plummet indicated to all but the most besotted that the public soundly rejected the blockade tactics that Republicans (with Joe Lieberman) helped support Bush's "stay the surge" strategy.
Can Slurper actually believe that the public suddenly wants to hand the oversight of Cheney's business venture in Iraq right back to the GOP that took us there in the first place?
That sort of revisionist rotgut may appeal to a shrinking sect of slurping surfers for whom he blogs, but the numbers look to me like this type of Slurperspeak has all but scuttled the Daily Mail's circulation.