From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
A Whitman's Sampler of Late Night Snark:
"Democrat presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an impeach Dick Cheney movement. How many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? If you want to get rid of this guy just buy him a cheeseburger."
---Jay Leno
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"Today's oral hygiene tip: Don’t brush your teeth---you never know what you're puttin' in there. The Colgate-Palmolive company is warning consumers about counterfeit Colgate toothpaste that may contain a toxin commonly found in antifreeze. On the bright side, you can make all your dental appointments at Jiffy Lube."
---Stephen Colbert
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"Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promise that if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. Sorry, Scooter . . . You are going to jail."
---Conan O'Brien
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"Let's begin tonight in Iraq, where the United States armed forces...er, sorry...coalition forces are staging a massive attack against al Qaeda in the Diyala province, now considered Iraq's most violent region. Which is something akin to being, say, The Village People's gayest member."
---Jon Stewart
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First weekend of summer's here and you know what that means: CANNONBALL!!! Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 22, 2007
Note: Contrary to popular belief, there are indeed lots of atheists in foxholes. I've got a bunch in my backyard right now. Beat it, you godless lawnwreckers!!
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the release of SiCKO: 7
Days `til the Iowa Caucuses, Nevada Caucuses, New Hampshire primary and South Carolina primary, respectively: 206, 211, 214, 221
Number of men who have been cleared in the U.S. on the basis of DNA evidence since the beginning of the Innocence Project in 1992: 202
Number of years, collectively, they had served in jail: 2,496
(Source: TIME)
Number of Americans killed by collapsing sand holes or tunnels between 1990 and 2006: 16
Number killed by sharks in the same period: 12
(Source: AP)
And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,923
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Dog on the cob
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CHEERS to bouncing toward the dustbin of history. Say this about George Walker Bush: you might not like him but at least ya know where he stands. And right now he stands at 26 percent, the lowest approval rating of any president except Richard Nixon. But I gotta give him credit---he's working damn hard to earn it. You think destroying a republic in eight years is easy? He must be plumb tuckered out by now, and yet you know he won't be satisifed 'til he's in single digits. My money's on 9-point-9 by next April.
JEERS to Wile E. Coyote at war. U.S. Military commanders say they're setting traps to catch insurgents around Baghdad. Unfortunately, a must-read TIME magazine article reveals that our kids over there are sitting ducks themselves. This is what we're up against:
Insurgent groups have had four years' practice in making and camouflaging IEDs. The bombs are especially hard to detect in crowded urban areas full of potholes, drains and sewers. The abundance of garbage on Baghdad's streets can defeat devices meant to locate bombs in relatively uncluttered locales. [...]
One common tactic is to hide bombs in loose rubble, then stack human feces on top; soldiers are less likely to investigate too closely. Other tactics are more complex. In some neighborhoods militants use snipers to lure soldiers toward IEDs. The bombs are hidden in places where the troops would tend to take cover when under fire---behind a hedge or a pile of bricks. Senior Iraqi police officials report that militants hide bombs in human cadavers, dumping them on the street and detonating them when a military or police patrol stops for an inspection. "They know that we can't just leave a body to rot in the street," a police official says. "They are counting on us to do the right thing, then hit us when we do."
Nice job, neocons. Thanks to you we got our asses handed to us by piles of shit and dead people. It's Miller time!
JEERS to the pastry Nazis. Bangor International Airport is a frequent stop for troops returning from Iraq, and they've always been welcomed by local "Maine Troop Greeters" offering homemade "cookies, brownies, doughnuts, fudge, candy and even strawberries." Thanks to airport authorities, that practice has come to an abrupt end. Why? Because after enduring months of IED explosions, flying bullets, chaos, hysteria, blinding sandstorms, shattered limbs, shitty food, busted equipment, swarms of bugs, pestilence, dysentery, insufferable heat and horrifying images that will haunt their dreams for decades, America's finest might get a tummy ache. War is hell.
CHEERS to supporting the troops. Sixty three years ago today, President Roosevelt---he of the Democratic Party---signed the GI Bill. It rewarded servicemen for their sacrifices with low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. Kind of like what George W. Bush is doing now for veterans...except without the low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits.
CHEERS to drawing lines in the dirt (via Kossack Scarce). Hey, kids! Wanna shake up the political landscape in your backyard and increase your grip on power? Just pull out your map and play The Redistricting Video Game:
Users can choose to simulate a partisan or bipartisan gerrymander, redistrict according to the Voting Rights Act or use a framework envisioned in the Fairness and Independence in Redistricting Act, a bill co-sponsored by Representative John Tanner, Democrat of Tennessee, and Republican Congressman Zach Wamp. The Tanner-Wamp bill (H.R. 543) would create an independent, bi-partisan commission in each state to redraw district lines once every ten years after the census.
My favorite option is calling out the Homeland Security Air and Marine Interdiction Division to track down quorum-busters who prevent me from getting my way. "Bombs awaaaaay!"
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man.
Atrios asks: Is everyone crazy?
Yup.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers...
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to Bob Evans. Even though I have several of his sausage patties calcifying in my arteries---one of which will eventually snap off, choke the blood supply to my heart and render me brain-dead within seconds---I gotta say his namesake restaurants are the place for breakfast. Evans has died at 89. He'll be encased in a pig's intestine and buried on a bed of light 'n fluffy flapjacks with a side of coffee.
JEERS to assaulting progress with the dumbstick. On this date in 1633, Galileo "Busta" Galilei was told that he had to "abjure, curse, and detest" his view that the earth revolved around the sun. It took the Vatican---are you sitting down?---over 350 years to admit their heads revolved around their asses. We walk among idiots.
CHEERS to the rise of the new left. E.J. Dionne peels back the old liberal stereotypes that Republicans (and their media accomplices) use to marginalize our side, revealing the reality of 2007 politics: the American "moderate center" would feel right at home at "far-left fringe sites" like DailyKos:
Whenever you use the word "left" in American politics, you feel almost compelled to add quotation marks. Today's left is not talking about nationalizing industry, abolishing capitalism or destroying the rich. What passes for "left" in American politics is quite moderate by historical standards. [...]
[T]he "good ideas" that voters are demanding mostly have to do with problems that have been framed by the left, not the right: the need to disengage from Iraq, to create health security, to ease economic inequalities. It's time to update our sense of where the political center lies and to adjust our view of "the left" accordingly.
Be sure to tune in to the Sunday morning talk shows this weekend, where Newt Gingrich, Sam Brownback, Fred Thompson, Bill Kristol, Peggy Noonan, Mitch McConnell and Robert Novak will discuss this new leftward shift in the political spectrum.
CHEERS to those horrible Hollywood elitist liberal troublemaking partywaifs. Because without their lifestyle of decadence and depravity, the National Film Institute wouldn't be able to come out with its revised list of the Greatest 100 Movies. It just makes me want to take a few weeks off of C&J and watch 'em all ten times in a row. But I know you'd kill me if I did that. So take the poll and we'll speak no more of it.
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One Year Ago in C&J: June 22, 2006...
JEERS to pity parties. Yesterday another lawyer defending Saddam Hussein was killed. So now the old despot is going on a hunger strike. Within 5 minutes of the announcement, the makers of Doritos laid off 30 workers.
JEERS to living in poverty for another year. Message from Senate Republicans to poor people: Screw You! Hahahahaha!!! A minimum-wage hike proposal submitted by---no surprise---our team died in the Senate yesterday. A gaggle of Republican jerks (Lott, Stevens, Cornyn, etc.) think tax cuts for the rich are more important than helping the poor keep the lights on and some cat food in their stomachs. It's good to be the kings.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the new independent candidate on the block. Dave Barry is running for president (you knew that, right?), and he's taking your questions at the McClatchy news site. I thought this one was particularly astute:
Q Dave, what kind of Iraq policy would you follow: Stay the course, Cut and run, Duck and cover, fight 'em over there so they won't fight us over here, surge, turn a corner every six months, surrender, add more GOP college interns to work in the green zone, drop the gay bomb, or nuke Iran?
Bill in Portland Maine, Portland, Maine 6/19/07
A Those all sound good to me.
Dave Barry 6/19/07
Oh, Dave. You had me at "Those."
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Have a great weekend. And don’t forget to wish Clarence Thomas a happy 59th birthday tomorrow (I'll be leaving a little something on his Coke can). Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
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