From the first-floor apartment of Guest C&J Regional Outpost #612, in the northernmost reaches of the Commonwealth of Virginia...
In honor of the 4th of July, a thought about war, courtesy of Hawkeye Pierce:
"I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment."
Cheers and Jeers Tuesday starts after the jump... (swish) right NOW! (ding!)
DISCLAIMER: Today’s substitute Cheers and Jeers has nothing to do with Bill in Portland Maine, Aabshier, or anything else (ab)normal, for that matter. This is grade-A, 100% ‘Bama-raised southern-girl snark. All pea-flicking, WSPing, and any other usual trappings of C&J goodness are used with the express written consent of Major League Baseball, the Pope, and my third-grade teacher. Proceed with caution!
Good morning, everybody! Today’s Cheers and Jeers are brought to you by me, liberalsouth, and my fantastic husband and chief Humor Adviser Ben in VA:
Ain’t he cute? We have our fifth wedding anniversary coming up in 10 days, and I am pleased as punch to be married to a great liberal man.
We’re both new at this. Be gentle...
Let’s get the ugly out of the way first:
JEERS to the ridiculous cowboy-in-chief and his decision to free his buddy of having to serve jail time. Think he’s been taking pointers from that Paris Hilton sheriff in California? Ugh. Happy fricking Independence Day, America.
Whew. Enough of that. Now on to the happy stuff!
CHEERS to truth in advertising! At last night’s Morrissey concert (my lovely birthday present from my daddy), the opening act, Kristeen Young, made the following statement from the stage:
"My CDs are for sale somewhere out there. Don’t buy them here, though, because the venue takes 40% of the price, so they’re marked way up. Laura Bush runs this place, though, so maybe that’s why."
Good on ya, girl! (By way of explanation, the show was at the Wolf Trap Center for the Arts, and the First Enabler herself is the honorary chair of the foundation that runs the place.)
CHEERS to the amazing, unbelievable Morrissey! Not only was the music wonderful, but there were no fewer than five digs at the boy-king from the stage. A blurry, shaky picture or two taken from my cell phone (cameras are not allowed at Wolf Trap):
CHEERS to smart, liberal men! I’m still drooling over the intellectual paradise that is the stand-up routine of Greg Proops. As usual, the husband and I were the only ones laughing at a number of points during the show. I LOVE smart comedy!
JEERS to another casualty of our stupidly injurious healthcare system: Washington Nationals pitcher John Patterson. Apparently, even ridiculously rich ball players can’t even get what they need in America. Damn, what prayer do the rest of us have?
CHEERS to my very favorite stupid joke in the whole entire world. God, I love this joke. In deference to Andy, I am putting this in a gray box, so you can skip it if you like:
Three Native American women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weights 130 pounds. The third, sitting on a hippopotamus hide, herself weighs 300 pounds. What famous mathematical theorem does this illustrate?
Naturally, the answer is that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
It’s deliciously awful, especially if you read the punchline out loud. I love it, and I’m sorry.
My favorite part of this place is how it's a respite from the stupidity of life during the reign of the cowboy. Therefore, to sum up, a little list of things I cheer for:
Abita Purple Haze beer
Cajun food
College football (GEAUX TIGERS - I start at LSU Law in five weeks)
The New York Yankees
The New Orleans Saints
The Washington Wizards
The Washington Nationals
The Washington Capitals
Cheese, chocolate, and good wine
The beach
Smart entertainment
And most importantly, the love of family and friends, both real-life and digital. In other words, y'all! :)
Thanks for reading; hope it was up to snuff! That’s my time. What do y’all have to cheer or jeer about today? Have a fantastic 4th of July – eat your favorite food, consume your favorite libation, watch a fireworks show if you like, and enjoy your day!