July 4 - 6, 1994
Here's what's happening. I'm working on my auto-biographical creation, which requires resurrection of the past. This is part of that. All is as it was then, except You Are There.
I had my sex reassignment surgery (SRS) scheduled for August 9, 1994. It was to be performed by Dr. Eugene Schrang (doesn't he look straight out of Dark Shadows?) at the Theda Clark Medical Center in Neenah, WI. Neenah is known, I'm sure among other things, for being the home of Kimberly Clark Corporation (yes, Theda was one of those Clarks), as a center for sex reassignment, and for where manhole covers come from.
I had noticed that most transwomen sort of "disappeared" during the months immediately before surgery, perhaps withdrawing inward as the surgery date approached. I decided that I would delay that "withdrawal point" as long as possible. There are 32 entries in the series (there was no entry for July 23). They are offered in the hope that someone somewhere will find them useful.
So I kept an online diary. There was this new Web thing after all, so I might as well see what use it could be put to. They were also posted to some email lists.
The technology has improved. So I am reformatting for this new-fangled blog thing, rather than that proto-blog. Some links will be added, as well as possibly, some commentary.
Twice a week makes more sense. Wednesdays and Sundays have been chosen for a start.
Date: Monday, 4 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
I suppose it had to hit me sooner or later. It's only 36 days until my surgery.
In the last few days (or is it weeks and I just wasn't aware) I've found it very difficult to concentrate. By the time I notice a thought that has popped into my head, it's already been replaced by something totally different.
I don't even know if I can describe the emotions I'm experiencing right now. They change too fast.
What are these emotions? For several weeks the dominant one was impatience. I guess seeing four of my friends have the surgery in a period of 17 days did that. But now I'm alternately anxious, nervous, happy, sad, exhilarated, pensive, confident, perplexed, introspective, excited, worried, lonely, manic, depressed...I don't know if the list has an end. I guess confused and befuddled pretty much sums it up right now.
It has wrought havoc with my attempts at writing. I start off with an idea and before I'm halfway through what I wanted to say, I've changed to something else. Looks like I need to spend some time meditating, trying to get my head back together. If it doesn't get too hot today, I shall go out and spend some time communing with the campus animals.
Trying to choose a path for the future, or forge a different one from those I see now, seems to be beyond me right now. Maybe I'm just being premature about it. I know that drifting along is not getting me to a better place in my life, but perhaps now is not the time for any sort of decision to be made.
I talked to Jinny and Irene about that yesterday on IRC. They are so nice and very concerned about me. I think they have sensed the surging emotions within me right now and they are somewhat worried. It is so nice to have good friends who really care.
Tomorrow I start ramping down my hormones. Another adventure in chemistry, I guess :) I have to be off them by July 16th...at least that is the way my schedule runs. That ought to make me an emotional wreck if I don't get things together a bit now. Oh well, one thing that is sure is that it will be different.
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Tuesday, 5 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
5 weeks from today!
Yesterday was not much better than the day before. I tried meditating outside under a tree, but I still couldn't really get into it. Even watching the birds and squirrels didn't cheer me up like it usually does. All these thoughts pouring into my brain...I guess that should be pouring out of my brain. It would be nice if I could hang onto a good one once in a while. I try, but then something occurs to me and before you know it, I'm back in that same place again.
Thinking about the future is not a good thing to do right now, I guess. I think it's necessary, but I get this overpowering urge to not return here after my surgery. I suppose it might be different if people here showed somehow that they cared about me, but that happens rarely.
I'm hoping that all this is just the typical Robyn reaction to three‑day weekends and once the week starts (today), things will get better. It would be nice to be able to get to sleep at a decent hour, too. I try but those damn thoughts and continual emotional shifts keep me awake long after I lay down. Once I do get to sleep, I've been having pleasant dreams...dreams of the surgery, where everything goes well, dreams of me post‑op. Oh well, I guess I need to do more exercise to make myself more tired. It's so hard in this oppressive heat though.
I'm going to go to group this afternoon. Hallie is taking me to Little Rock when she goes to work. Guess I can grade the exams in the hours before group starts. Maybe being away from Conway will be good for me.
I tried to call Mike last night and see if he was going to group. I was hoping to talk him into coming earlier than usual so we could chat some beforehand. But his roommate said he was out for the evening, and he either did not come home for the night or got home so late he thought he shouldn't call.
At least I'm giving two tests today, so I don't have to worry about teaching. It's pretty much the last thing on my mind right now. Finals are on Friday, so I only have to prepare something for Tuesday and Wednesday.
I've just got to keep in mind that the nature of life is change. Things will get better. Unfortunately, the flip side of that is that things will get worse, too.
Love, and the hope for Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Wed, 6 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
Did you ever have one of those days where it would have been better if you had just stayed in bed?
The day started out rather innocuously. I gave tests in both of my classes, so I didn't really have to teach. People in both classes thought the tests were too long, as usual.
Hallie picked me up at 12:50pm for the ride to Little Rock, so that I could go to group. Since group doesn't start until 5pm, I had decided to have her drop me off at Vino's, a micro‑brewery/pizza place. I bought a sandwich and a salad, since I was going to be sitting there until about 4pm and I was only 1:30pm when I got there. I passed the time grading exams, trying hard to concentrate on them and not the jumble of things that had been bothering me for the last few days.
At 4, I left Vino's, having spent $5, which I felt very guilty about, since last week I had spent $20 on a whole two weeks worth of food. During the mile walk to the place where group meets (in 95F temp), I couldn't help but think about all of the things I wanted to bring up. I needed to talk with Ralph about becoming my personal therapist, since Kurt retired last week. I wanted to talk about the confusion I have been experiencing in the last week. I was hoping I could talk some of my friends from group into maybe getting together for a small party before I left for Wisconsin. And maybe I could even find someone there who would cosign a loan for me so that I could have a little extra money (i.e. more than the $50 I have) to live on until my next paycheck.
I got there, hot, sweaty, my foot hurting in the place where the removed corn was rubbing on the shoe, but relieved that I would have someone to talk with soon about my concerns.
Ralph wasn't there. He announced at last week's group, which I hadn't been able to get a ride to, that he was taking a week of vacation. The secretary was there, updating patient files, and when he told me, I'm afraid I wasn't in the mood to hear it. I broke down and cried on and off for 45 minutes. I was so disappointed. The worst part was that I had nowhere to go nearby to wait for Hallie to get off work, and she wouldn't be coming to pick me up until 6:30.
Finally, at about 5, one of the women showed up...she hadn't been there last week either. I didn't know her well, as we had only been there on the same evening once. But she and I sat on the porch and chatted for a bit, before one of the men showed up. I didn't really know him either (same reason), but the three of us decided to hold our own group, and we got into Michael's car and drove around talking.
It was helpful, better than having no one to talk with, but I wish they had been people I knew better. Eventually, we drove back to the Psychotherapy Center and sat there waiting for Hallie to show up. She did, about 6:15, and we drove back to Conway, talking about this and that, me still pretty depressed. I went to my office to try to finish my grading, and for some unknown reason decided to log onto IRC to see if there was someone I could talk to on. There were some people, but when I related the day to that point, I had someone ask if my reactions weren't a sign that I wasn't prepared for surgery.
Considering delaying my surgery, and all the ramifications thereof, is something I have done in the past, and it's not a pretty picture. I've already in a sense delayed my surgery, originally scheduled for last April, because of financial setbacks, as well as problems with my employers. This past year, I have seen my health slowly deteriorate from taking all the drugs I take. Delaying my surgery would mean waiting almost a full year, and by then, I might not be in good enough physical condition for the surgery. I got a bit more depressed talking to her, recounting all of the reasons why surgery now was appropriate.
I finally went home about 10pm, to try and finish my grading. I got my mail on the way up to my apartment and noticed a letter from the hospital that had treated me in March when I had the food poisoning attack. They wanted $568 within 30 days, or they were taking me to court, and filing a letter with credit companies, ruining the attempt I have been making to establish credit for myself under my new name. Even though I had given them my insurance information two days after the treatment, they had never filed for the insurance and now I am the one to suffer for it. Sigh.
I went to bed, laid there for a few hours, and finally fell asleep.
Robyn