July 7 - 10, 1994
Here's what's happening. I'm working on my auto-biographical creation, which requires resurrection of the past. This is part of that. All is as it was then, except You Are There.
I had my sex reassignment surgery (SRS) scheduled for August 9, 1994. It was to be performed by Dr. Eugene Schrang (doesn't he look straight out of Dark Shadows?) at the Theda Clark Medical Center in Neenah, WI. Neenah is known, I'm sure among other things, for being the home of Kimberly Clark Corporation (yes, Theda was one of those Clarks), as a center for sex reassignment, and for where manhole covers come from.
I had noticed that most transwomen sort of "disappeared" during the months immediately before surgery, perhaps withdrawing inward as the surgery date approached. I decided that I would delay that "withdrawal point" as long as possible. There are 32 entries in the series (there was no entry for July 23). They are offered in the hope that someone somewhere will find them useful.
So I kept an online diary. There was this new Web thing after all, so I might as well see what use it could be put to. They were also posted to some email lists.
The technology has improved. So I am reformatting for this new-fangled blog thing, rather than that proto-blog. Some links will be added, as well as possibly, some commentary.
Twice a week makes more sense. Wednesdays and Sundays have been chosen for a start. Past editions are here.
Date: Thursday, 7 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
Finally, I'm feeling more like me. I'm not sure exactly what happened to help me get back on track, but whatever it was, I'm sure thankful.
I called the hospital yesterday and talked to a woman there. She checked and found that they had erred in not filing the insurance forms and apologized. So there's $568 I don't have to worry about for awhile.
I spent most of the day getting caught up with my grading...only two days of classes left in the term. I suspect that my concentration returned sometime when I was doing that. (I also took an afternoon walk, which may have helped some.)
By the time I finished my grading, I was much too tired to go watch a movie that my neighbors across the street (two of my students) had asked if I wanted to come over and see. So I just snuggled into my bed and fell asleep...first time in a week that I have dropped right off.
I had a dream, as always, and this one was nice. I was post‑op and visiting my daughter. That's about all that remains from it, except for the feeling of happiness I had when I woke up.
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Friday, 8 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
I felt great today! I wish I could figure out exactly what happened to change my mood, but I guess it really doesn't matter that much. The important thing is that I feel happy and content.
In addition, my memory is coming back to me, after having taken a hike when I started hormones. I guess it's coming back because I have been cutting down. I'm down to 2mg of estrace from 3mg, 300mg of spironolactone from 400, and I've cut out the provera totally. I do feel like I'm undergoing some withdrawal, but it's not bad yet. I hope I'm too nice a person to get really bitchy :)
The semester is over as of today. This weekend I get to grade the tests, but at least there are only 33 of them. After the college algebra exam, several of my students hung around and chatted with me for about 30 minutes. They are a bunch of nice folks :-) Hirondina gave me a belt from her native Cape Verde as a gift because, as she put it, "it is traditional in her country for the students to honor a good teacher." She was really impressed with the way I treated all the students as equals. I guess it hasn't happened much to her.
Next week is going to be somewhat trying. I have appointments for four of the five weekdays. On Monday, Bill W (one of the students) is going to take me down to the community center and let me use her car to take the driving test (yes, Bill is a woman...and Bill is the name she was born with...her middle name is Henry...there are some strange folks here in Arkansas). On Tuesday, either Pam B or Shawn M (both students) is going to take me out to the Town Center so my dentist can finish my teeth...I have one that needs a crown. On Wednesday, I'm going to talk to the people at the bank about arranging the payment of my surgery. I have enough money, but I'm going to try to get a loan, too. On Thursday, Pam is taking me to my first appointment with my new physician. The doctor is going to check me over to see if I'm fit for the surgery and give me a scrip for hormones for afterwards. I probably should take a poll of my post‑op friends so I can help her decide what I should take. She's only had one transsexual woman as a patient before, and that was when she was in residency. On Friday, I get to do whatever didn't get done before that, I imagine.
I guess that's about it for now, diary, except that it looks like it's April's and my 9th monthiversary, so I want to send her my love. [see the comments for more about April]
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Saturday, 9 Jul 1994
Dear Diary,
About 5 times per day now, someone asks me if I am nervous or scared. They seem amazed when I say that I am not. The surgery is not frightening to me in any way. As far as being nervous is concerned, I may be a little, but not nearly so nervous as before first outing myself to my friends or when coming out to my boss. I was even more nervous the first time I wore a dress to school. Maybe I've just gotten used to being nervous. :-)
I do have a few things I'm concerned about. I have a few friends who suffered a decrease in breast size in the hospital. When I first started hormones, my breast growth amazed my doctor and I got to b‑cup very rapidly. Since then I have had some breast growth and a better shape was obtained when I started provera, but I look to be destined to be a b‑cup. That's fine with me, but I am concerned about losing a significant portion of what I have. I wouldn't even consider implants as an option. I hope the loss my friends experienced is only temporary. I guess I should try to remember that when I started this, I said I would be happy as long as I got enough breast growth to be noticeable.
I talked with Heather for a while last night as she explained what the aftercare was like. She seems to be having an especially hard time of it, but I now have some idea of the work ahead of me while recovering.
I'm down to 2mg of estrace and 250mg of spironolactone today. I'm definitely experiencing some withdrawal symptoms. I split my pills between two different times to spread them out and when I take a batch, my body seems to be saying, "You forgot something." When I don't feed it more, I get very hungry. If I let myself, I think I would eat everything in the house in one sitting. I suppose it's only going to get worse on Tuesday when I go down to 1mg of estrace and 200mg of spironolactone per day. Eleven more days until I am off them completely.
So far I haven't noted any emotional changes from cutting the dosage, other than that cutting out the provera completely seems to have allowed me to think more clearly. Unless, of course, that is just a place I managed to get to on my own.
Love and Peace,
Robyn (munching Ritz Bits)
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Date: Sunday, 10 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
[Note to self: Segments to be linked: From the Heart: Role Models; From outside the Gender Prison: Role Models; Raising our Own]
Being a mother is not easy. True, I missed the physical part, but I do have two "adopted" children through IRC. Alicyn is a young transsexual woman from South Africa that I befriended on TRANSGEN about 14 or 15 months ago. Ria is a young woman who lives in Pittsburgh and adopted me as a mother‑figure almost a year ago. A lot of my friends think that this is more or less a game of sorts, but I take it seriously. Not having a chance to be a biological mother myself, these relationships fill a void in my life.
Unfortunately, both Alicyn and Ria are really depressed lately. I wish I could do more than talk to them when they are down, but I guess every parent has to learn that there are some things that their children have to learn to work out for themselves. I'll just try to be as supportive as I can be.
Allison P wrote me yesterday and allayed my fears about the lost of breast size during the hospital stay. She says it is temporary and that many post‑ops even have another growth surge about three months after surgery. She suggested that I remain on spironolactone until shortly before surgery, so I guess I will, at 200mg a day, I think. If only the stuff didn't taste so bad to me...I'll never like the flavor of mint again.
I wrote to one of Alicyn's friends today, a writer from the bay area who is having surgery in Neenah several days before I do. Courtney has a friend who is also having surgery about that time. I hope I get to meet these women while I am there.
So far I have eight people who are going to visit me in Neenah. April will be there, as will my genetic daughter, Jen. I'm really hoping they will become good friends. Also coming are Alicyn, Joanne, Tracey, Jenny Kay, Janey, and Courtney. At least they are planning to come.
Well, Diary, I have to get back to grading tests.
Love and Peace,
Robyn